Hi all, new here and so desperate. I have been suicidal for a while now. I live at home taking care of an elderly father who is darned well healthier than me. I have physical health problems, was due to go to hospital Wednesday but cancelled, so sick of being poked and prodded and no answers and my g.p didn't help, getting me an appointment under the 14 day rule, that is for suspected cancer. Doubt I have cancer, just the doctors way of getting me an appointment cos she didn't want me being fobbed off onto a junior doc like has previously happened. I have chronic health problems, also self harm, last cut myself with a razor and burnt myself. A few days ago I got some advice on the internet, really helped me decide how to end it all. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> But what is making it so hard to go is how pathetic i am. I am so intimidated by my father, have took care of him since mum died 5 years ago. Don't answer back, don't argue, do as your old. Heck I don't want to end it at home cos I am scared of his reaction. Yeah I know I would be dead but it still scares me how peed off he would be. I keep telling him I am intending to die, he says stop being stupid, stop talking like that and get a grip, he's sick of hearing it. Jeez I'm 40 yet mentally I feel 15. Amazing how your parents can mentally screw you up, leaving home was never an option for me. They mess with your mind to make you stay. I am thinking maybe I would just be best to check into a hotel and check out in the bathroom. He really does not think I am serious, just being pathetic and maybe I am to be scared of his reaction to my suicide. Personally i no longer give a stuff if it upsets him, it is his temper and disapproval i fear. My elder siblings long ago decided I was not relevant to their lives. Last saw and spoke to them a few years ago when they told me I was no longer considered family, the family would be happier if I were dead and my brother basically said he would like to rearrange my anatomy with a knife, he hates me that much. I have no friends, my place was at home with my parents, friends were considerd un neccesary. No job because of poor mental health, no one wants to employ a mutilated self harming freak. Even hospital staff look at me with revulsion and demand explanations for my scars and injuries even when I have gone to hospital for problems with my physical health. I hate being forced to explain why I am scarred and then treated like an attention seeking freak who is not really physically ill. Even my psychiatrists skipped out on me years ago, announced they could no longer help me, I was in curable. So sorry to bore you with this, I have no one to speak to and I am so desperate to die. I have always been alone, I just want it over and I know <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> will be painless and quick.