I want to let go but am so intimidated

Hi all, new here and so desperate. I have been suicidal for a while now. I live at home taking care of an elderly father who is darned well healthier than me. I have physical health problems, was due to go to hospital Wednesday but cancelled, so sick of being poked and prodded and no answers and my g.p didn't help, getting me an appointment under the 14 day rule, that is for suspected cancer. Doubt I have cancer, just the doctors way of getting me an appointment cos she didn't want me being fobbed off onto a junior doc like has previously happened.

I have chronic health problems, also self harm, last cut myself with a razor and burnt myself. A few days ago I got some advice on the internet, really helped me decide how to end it all. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

But what is making it so hard to go is how pathetic i am. I am so intimidated by my father, have took care of him since mum died 5 years ago. Don't answer back, don't argue, do as your old. Heck I don't want to end it at home cos I am scared of his reaction. Yeah I know I would be dead but it still scares me how peed off he would be.

I keep telling him I am intending to die, he says stop being stupid, stop talking like that and get a grip, he's sick of hearing it. Jeez I'm 40 yet mentally I feel 15. Amazing how your parents can mentally screw you up, leaving home was never an option for me. They mess with your mind to make you stay.

I am thinking maybe I would just be best to check into a hotel and check out in the bathroom. He really does not think I am serious, just being pathetic and maybe I am to be scared of his reaction to my suicide. Personally i no longer give a stuff if it upsets him, it is his temper and disapproval i fear.

My elder siblings long ago decided I was not relevant to their lives. Last saw and spoke to them a few years ago when they told me I was no longer considered family, the family would be happier if I were dead and my brother basically said he would like to rearrange my anatomy with a knife, he hates me that much.

I have no friends, my place was at home with my parents, friends were considerd un neccesary. No job because of poor mental health, no one wants to employ a mutilated self harming freak. Even hospital staff look at me with revulsion and demand explanations for my scars and injuries even when I have gone to hospital for problems with my physical health. I hate being forced to explain why I am scarred and then treated like an attention seeking freak who is not really physically ill. Even my psychiatrists skipped out on me years ago, announced they could no longer help me, I was in curable.

So sorry to bore you with this, I have no one to speak to and I am so desperate to die. I have always been alone, I just want it over and I know <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> will be painless and quick.

 

Sweetie,

Is there anything, anything at all that makes you feel less sad/desperate?

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. This is my first visit here to this site...and I'm overwhelmed. I get where you're coming from...I hurt too. I wish we had answers to what we could do..huh??? I'm just so frustrated...but, I just keep holding on...holding on to that last bit of hope.

 

I'm sorry you feel like this, it's sad to hear your own siblings have said things like that. It's best to have them out of your life by the sounds of it. I was on the verge of "checking out" as you say it, just over a year ago. I didn't know how or where to start. Considering all the easiest options, I didn't want there to be anymore pain. I just held on, I was fighting the urges and the thoughts. I would sit awake at night picturing it, I would mentally visualise suicide and then the effects it would have on people. I managed to hold on and now I'm a lot better, time is a great healer. I still don't really have any friends and still a bit of a loner but I got myself a job after a long time searching and have a good social life at work but I come home and keep out of contact with people. You just need to hold on and be so strong. Finding a job, as hard as it may be for you, could be the best thing. It keeps your mind occupied on other things for most of the day. Yes, you may start off thinking about suicide when you get home but it will fade in time. You'll come home and think about running yourself a nice warm bath, watching a movie and other things. Keeping your mind occupied is key! You can do it! I have faith in everyone.