I want to live. I want to smile and feel happy. I want to wake up in the morning feeling like the world is there for the taking. I want to make memories that I cherish and reminisce about years down the road. I want to laugh until it hurts. I want to know what it is like to love - to know if it can be real; if it can feel real. I want to know what it is like to simply be happy. Relaxed. Calm. But, life has not worked out that way. It is like one day you wake up and you realize that things are not what you've imagined them to be as a child. You realize that somewhere along the road things got seriously off track. You realize that life is not exciting at all and being fulfilled or satisfied is almost something of a myth. To be honest I want to live. Deep down anyway. But living with depression I feel will kill me. Although the medications have helped to dramatically reduce the torture I've felt everyday for over 10 years, the root causes of that torture still surrounds me. Feeling lonely, un-liked, undesirable, unlovable, incapable, worthless, helpless, and completely lost of hope in that anything ever changing. There are mountains that I face that I can't seem to climb. Where every step forward rather than leading me closer to the top is taking me further down the hill. No matter how hard I climb, how much energy I use, it is never good enough. And what it will take to finally overcome that obstacle will require an impossible amount of energy that I simply don't posses. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to live but the other part wants to die. Some of it is to be free of pain. But some of it is out of principle. Why should I continue to endure this life I've never asked for just to be a second-class citizen. To be unseen, unheard, and un-welcomed. If I die I feel like I at least am standing up for myself and saying NO MORE. To refuse this joke of an existence I, for some reason, had forced upon me against my will. But deep down I feel that things have to be better than this. There has to be an answer, a solution to every problem. There has to be something I am missing. I can't shake the feeling that there has to be something, which is the only reason why I have not taken the plunge just yet. But what that is, I have no idea. Sadly, to make my depression worst, I've began some pretty self destructive behavior so even if there is a solution that is found, I might be creating other problems that themselves might pull me deeper into a position of no return. Most recently hooking up with escorts here in Los Angeles just for the chance to have someone, even if acting and being based on a lie and fantasy, love and care for me as if I was actually worth something to someone. As if I was not some undesirable waste of life. I feel like this and other dangerous behaviors are a step in a direction I am putting myself in where I won't have many choices or reasons to stay alive not including the depression itself. The medications and fear of death have kept me in check for the last few years, but time is almost up and I'm afraid it will come sooner rather than later. I will try a new phycologist and psychiatrist this week in hopes that something can become of it. But I honestly don't think it will work. A part of me feels like there has to be something, some answer that alludes me that once I am dead I will miss out on. And what a shame that would be to have a way out that does not involve suicide, and to miss out on it and kill myself anyways. I don't know what to do. I want to live but only if I can be happy and have an actual life. I want to end it to be rid of the pain and anxiety, but to also fight back and so NO MORE to living a life not worth living. To give back this bad gift I was given. To return the middle finger to the universe that seems to have no concern for my being. What is the answer? I don't feel like I have much time left to figure it out. Is it all just a lie and I'm tricking myself as a way to stall the inevitable because I'm scared?