I want to love again....

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by scaredofthedark, Nov 1, 2012.

  1. scaredofthedark

    scaredofthedark New Member

    this might be long as i have a lot to say ...

    first a little about me.I've had a rough life...my dad left me and my mom when i was still a baby and went to another country leaving us to have a very hard life. back then it didnt bother me as much not having a father around because even though i knew it wasnt normal, it just didnt bother me at all. Sometimes i would even forget i have a father lol. My mom would work hard and struggle to make ends meet and make sure i'm happy and like every other kid. Enter a man i'll call Tom. Tom started coming around and i everything was cool we'd have parties for me and he seemed like an ok guy until one night to this day sticks out soooo vividly in my mind. I remember waking up and walking towards my moms room, i was maybe 5 or so and really "scared of the dark" and still kinda am to this day. I remember him looking up and with the most evil looking face saying get your A** back in your room or something like that. i never told my mom.....

    my dad wasnt around...never sent any money would call maybe once every year -2 years or so and my mom moved to another country to live with Tom. Toms family didnt like my mom and lived in the house next to us. everyday i was surrounded by noise, cursing and people cursing my mom out. Tom then showed his true colors (He was an alcoholic) and for years i heard arguments everyday. He didnt want my mom to leave the house he'd call her the worse names. he'd lock us out the house when we left, wet the beds down with a hose and numerous times tried to fight physically with her. so for years i was surrounded by cops, booze, voilence, abuse. i went from the loudest guy in class to the quiet kid. he called me the "black boy" and 2 this day it affects me. my mom would move in and out due to the fact that she couldnt sustain living in an apartment etc. he would promise he would change and go right back hiding his rum all over the place. as i grew older i noticed kids with there dads and moms and it would make me sad :sad: (imagine asking your mom girl advice) it sucked lol.

    going in to high school i was "the quiet handsome guy" i had girlfriends and whatever but they would either leave me because i was being too nice or i "wasnt wild enough"...nothing serious until i met the woman who is now my sons mom. we were together for maybe 8 years i know long right? we were inseparable too.when she started to work things changed and she started flirting around and stuff alot and it was really hard because i am a one woman type of guy. she even dumped me one time for another guy. we were up and down year after year because of her messing with guys (even though she claimed she never actually had sex. at age 22 we had a son and it seemed like she felt her life was over. she couldnt go to school or anything. I insisted that she could go to school and i would take care of our son until she got back which was only 2 years...how hard could i be right?? in comes this guy i'll call rupert. i keep hearing about rupert seeing text messages...boo...baby...luva etc until she did something that has scarred me. she got pregnant at school while i was home taking care of my son. make matters worse. she came home and had sex with me while she was pregnant with the guys kid. ever since that day ive developed an attitude of me against the world and its sooooooooo hard to give myself to a woman 100 percent ive been screwed over so much times in life and rejected that i don't even think i can love anymore i mean i can love but but i dont feel that FEELING! u know wow i'm in love! that feeling. i have a girlfriend right now and it has been crazy. she has cheated on me sooo much. i was sick ....couldnt walk and couldnt take care of myself. she left me in the house alone to be with another guy. she claims they didnt have sex but i dont believe her. so now i'm just unhappy i dont know how to talk or meet women since ive been in a relationship so long and even though women ask me for my number etc...lol... i just cant love like i used to does that make sense? people think i should be happy because i have the girl all the guys want but i'm not happy...added to all this stuff i made someone rich and didnt get any credit or money and i am in a rough patch financial wise i dont know what to feel anymore...i just feel so alone. i dont really have friends to talk to....hence i am here. anyone have any advice on how i fall in love again? i just feel empty and angry and bitter...i suck at talking to women too. hey maybe they're even some females on here who have gone through something similar and want the same that i do... holla at me lol.

    I am not good at writing by the way so bare with me
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Your attitude and fears are very understandable. Your trust and love has been betray, not once but several times. I might suggest you have the wrong goal in mind for yourself for the moment though. I would be less concerned about finding love again and more concerned of being content. You are able to get out and meet women evidently - do not go in with goal of love and a relationship. It is putting unneeded pressure on yourself and the woman. If you are still with the current girlfriend and it is having this negative effect then leave. Try just dating with healthy amount of skepticism, and see what develops. If 5 years from now there is no hint of being able to "fall in love" again then start to wonder - in the interim date, make friends and see if it happens or not. If and when you do feel yourself falling in love again go slow and be sure.... but I would recommend a more casual and considered approach - more of a Mrs Right than a Mrs Right Now idea of a relationship.