I want to mean something to someone...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kai Nashi, Nov 9, 2014.

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  1. Kai Nashi

    Kai Nashi Well-Known Member

    Pretty much my whole life I have been found unattractive and ugly and no one ever liked me. Aside from that, I've always wanted love in my life, a relationship. I feel so alone, even though I do have some friend (but I think they pretty much are all fake. I want someone to love me, some one to want me, to be someones number one, but I pretty much know I'll NEVER get that in life. Like seriously, who the fuck would want me? I am ugly, fat, stupid and brain dead, boring, VERY akward and anti-social towards people I don't know, I am a freak with very weird interests I look and dress weird and intimidating as my friend says...and aside form that I complain all the time, I am suicidal and I self harm (for pretty much this reason.) I just don't want to live life alone or die alone I want to have meaning. Otherwise I just want to fucking kill myself since I have nothing to live for. I always complain to my friend that I LIKE who has a boyfriend that doesn't even fucking talk to her about killing myself for this reason and she doesn't even fucking care, and whenever she talks about her boyfriend it fucking hurts me so much I threaten to cut and shit...aside from that I can get VERY envious and jealous over people who have relationships and shit, it really fucking hurts and it's all over and I can't get away from it and ill never even get it and I don't want to fucking live without it, it kills me EVERY, FUCKING, DAY...I don't know what to do, I can't cope with this....
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Kai, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with, but you know this, I have told you already. I hope you will reach out to someone in here and maybe take and do what they suggest. I am still here If you just want to talk, I would hope that you wouldn't cut, but I know better, some day Kai I have to hope that you can stop, that you can feel good about yourself, Kai, You can have what you are looking for, I believe that or i wouldn't say it, it does however start with you.
    kai, i wish you would correct one thing, it means something to me and you as well. I Like You, I have Faith In you, I do believe you know this, do you believe that I am serious? If you don't I would appreciate it if you told me. Kai, I hope you have a better night tonight, I am here if you need.
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I think, honestly, that you need to look at your own behaviour here. First of all, you say that you are a freak with weird interests and that you dress weird and intimidating. That is your choice. If you intentionally dress in a way that you know makes people feel awkward around you, or in a way that makes sure you do not fit in, then you cannot blame people for thinking that you don't want to fit in. Clothes are very easy to change - and no you do not 'have' to change how you look, but at least acknowledge that you are making choices that limit your ability to have the acceptance that you want.

    Secondly, if one of my friends exercised emotional blackmail and threatened to cut if I spoke about my relationship, I would no longer talk to that person. That kind of selfish manipulative behaviour is toxic and not something I want/need in my life. I doubt your friend feels much different. I strongly suggest you get some therapy and work on these behaviours - nothing is going to change unless you make some changes. I am sure you have been told that "people should accept you for who you are" etc, but if you are being knowingly anti social, dressing in a way that you know makes you stand apart from other people and behaving in a selfish mean way to people you supposedly care about, then it is reasonable that people will not accept you.

    Please see a professional and get some help - if you want to feel less alone the key thing is to learn social skills and how to integrate into a group, and if you want to feel loved and accepted it is important to learn how to behave appropriately toward others instead of threatening people and and acting badly when you feel upset. You can have the things you want - but you are going to have to put the effort in to get them. Relationships in any form take work and mean putting other people first a lot of the time - it isn't easy but it is possible. Work on making things better for yourself.

    Take care and stay safe.
  4. Kai Nashi

    Kai Nashi Well-Known Member

    I agree with you on how i am selfish and i intentionally dress the way I do, the thing is my interests and social skills are not intentinal. For my whole life i have lacked social skills and have been very akward. I am diagnosed with autism too. I really want to be stop this, I know i am selfish and i always wonder to myself why hasnt my friend iust left me yet after dealing with this shit for one year. As getting professional help, i feel as i am too shy too, especially on how i habe all these stupid problems of selfishness and self pity and the fact i want to end my life due to the fact of having no girlfriend. I honestly dont know where to start on working on making things better for myself.
  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    You need to start with the things that you can change. You can change the way you dress for a start. I understand that what you wear becomes almost a costume to hide behind and that change is scary because people are guaranteed to comment on it. But they will comment on it for one day - and if you maintain the 'new look' it will become normal and people will get used to it. Take a look around you and notice what other people wear - who looks good to you - and emulate it. Get a hair cut if you need one, invest in a few new wardrobe items - make a start.

    Self pity and selfishness is actually very normal - everyone has those feelings - the trick is to acknowledge that they are not okay before you express yourself in a way that hurts others. You know they are not okay so that is a good first step. Your friend sounds like she wants to help you. Ask her to go shopping with you and help you with the easy parts. Stop threatening her and complaining to her and instead try to treat her the way you want people to treat you. You have a friend so you obviously don't totally lack social skills... use her to practice the skills you need to make more friends. Ask her to help.

    Professional help is there to help - and if you have a goal (such as learning social skills) it is all the more effective. I understand it is difficult to start, but one you start it is easy to keep going. In the mean time, look at people you are envious of and get proactive. Make lists of the things they do that you think are good or that make people like them - pick parts from different people and practice them. Smile at people and say hi - you don't have to have a conversation if that is too hard right now - just smile and say hey. Look friendly. Start there.

    A new 'look' and a friendly smile will take you a long way. It won't be easy and it will be uncomfortable - but if you want things to get better you will need to grit your teeth and make it happen.
  6. Kai Nashi

    Kai Nashi Well-Known Member

    Now i know this is going to sound possibly stupid due to this situatin really bothering me is, i dont want to change how i dress. I have had this style of clothing i wear (rivethead look) for a year now, and i love it and sometimes i actually like being intimidating so noone will mess with me cus i am a pretty weak person. I also put alot of money into this kind of clothing too.

    With my friend wanting to help me, i personally dont believe it. It really seems she doesnt give a fuck about what i habe to say about ANYTHING in this matter, always trying to change the topic, although she always says she "cares" about me and alot of times i threaten to maybe make her feel guilt and i know it is horrible but it just happens i just get so mad cus noone cares about me and noone likes me.

    I really hope i can someday man up to getting profesinal help
    ...i want these selfish feelings to go away, but aswell as these feelings of being lonely and selfishness. I dont think the professinal can change me not dieing alone, which i dont want, and me not having anyone like me. Also another thing to mention is even when i didnt dress weird people still thought of me as weird and ugly and stuff. I honestly dont know what to do i dont think their is any hope for me this is really all i ask for in life all i want, to be loved. Idk what to do, could a profesinal even change these feelings?!?
  7. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    I had to go and look up rivethead. And okay - if you want to dress this way then of course that is your choice, but it is a choice and you are choosing to alienate people and intimidate people - neither of those things are conducive to good relationships. What you wear is your choice and I would say "if it makes you feel good then great" - except that apparently it doesn't make you feel good. It makes you feel like a freak (in your own words). I don't have anything else to say about the looks/clothing topic because it is your call - you know what would make people more inclined to be accepting of you and if you choose not to do those things, then you do not really have an grounds to complain about people not accepting you.

    As for your friend - you are being extremely unfair. If she didn't care about you she could easily not talk to you, not hang out with you and would be justified in choosing not to be around someone who threatens her and intentionally makes her feel bad. It is abusive behaviour and she puts up with it - she wouldn't do that if she didn't care about you - and eventually she WILL give up and walk away. Nobody will put up with abuse and threats and blackmail from someone indefinitely.

    A professional cannot change your feelings - they also cannot change your actions. They can only HELP you do it. If you have no intention of doing the things you can do to help yourself, then there is nothing anyone - professional or not - can do for you. Change has to come from you. No amount of complaining, threatening, cutting or anger is going to change your life. Only you can do that. People can and will help if you show willing, but nobody is going to invest time in helping you if you won't help yourself. If you want to be loved you have to love people - and at the moment you are telling me that the one person who is sticking by you, you are treating like crap.

    I am sorry you feel so bad - I have made suggestions on how to move forward but it seems like you want everyone else to change - to accept you and love you regardless of your behaviour toward them - instead of changing yourself. That isn't going to happen. Until you work on improving yourself, nothing is going to improve.
  8. Kai Nashi

    Kai Nashi Well-Known Member

    Just want to clairify, i do not solely consider myself on a freak based on how i dress, but my interests in some stuff. Also with my friend, after reading all what you have been saying i have really now been feeling bad, well i have before its just it really got to me with someone else telling me it i started tearing up.. now on me changing myself, i still just don't know how, as you said changing my look isnt really happening, i do eventually twll my friend that i will change and stuff but i evemtually go back at it again and start complaining its a never ending cycle. I know i need help, i know i need to help myself, i am just REALLY struggling on how too...
  9. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    If you don't want to change how you look, and you have interests that differ from the "norm" then I would suggest you try to find communities that share your interests. I don't know what your interests are so I can't really suggest where to look for these communities. Obviously rivethead is a particular 'look' and there are other people who dress similarly. People who are similar are often found in groups for a reason - if you want acceptance and to build relationships, and you don't want to change, you may have to look elsewhere for friendship.

    I go back to my original point of seeking professional help. If you really want to change the cycle of abusing your friend and focusing on the negative instead of making steps to improve your life then you obviously need support. If you really want to change then you can - speak to your doctor and explain that you have suicidal thoughts and that you harm yourself and ask to be referred to someone who can help you. I am sorry that I don't have a better answer for you. Seek help from a therapist and try to be as self aware as you can about how you are treating other people.

    Good luck!
  10. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    On how to change your behavior, you can go very easy at this.. it doesn't have to happen from one day to another, take some time and make it gradual. You will maybe have some relapses now and then, but that's part of going through a process. Professional help would be a good idea I guess. Otherwise you might consider studying NVC (non violent communication) by Marshall Rosenberg and The Work by Byron Katie. Look for their books called NVC and "I need your love - Is that true?". Their excellent authors. There are NVC meet up groups where you can practice, it will put you into contact with others too.

    I once believed I was ugly and had very low self-esteem. I didn't love myself. Other kids in the streets would even come up to me and say right my face: "Boy, your ugly!". And I believed them. I pushed it all away by going for high notes at school and at university. Only when I was about 23 did I allow myself to start enjoying things a little bit again and did I begin to express myself in new ways, both in words and in actions. Somewhat later, I started taking singing lessons, I did impro-theater, I started taking dancing classes, and I flourished. And you know what, these people I met didn't I were ugly, and my dancing skills largely compensated for the things I didn't dare to say yet. And in acting I was simply the best, because when given an assignment I lost all my shyness.
    One day I met a very handsome and talented dancer on the dancefloor and you know what, he was interested in me! That was such a compliment. After that, I set out on a quest and really took the effort of finding balance and love within myself, returning to a state of self-appreciation I had lost so long ago. I started doing all those things I longed to do but never even dared to think of doing because I was so shy. And in that process, I started radiating, and suddenly noticed that other boys and girls of different ages were looking at me or even flirting with me, and you know what. I noticed I wasn't even ugly, not in the physical sense and not in the emotional sense, quite on the contrary, I was handsome and radiating and I grew quite popular! I did yoga and studied spirituality on how to find love within oneself and I had experiences of bliss and extatic joy. And of course I had relapses too, and of course it wasn't always easy, but once you start listening to the song that's within you, and in your heart, your life will change.
    Then, half a year ago, I had an accident which brought me to the brink of suicide. I survived because I refused to be a victim of the worldly circumstances. I lost almost all my friends, I lost my health, I lost most of my hobbies, I lost my laugther, my voice, I can't work, nor dance, nor study, I've lots of troubles, life is really hard for me, I will never have an intimimate relationship again. But I refuse to give up. Read more about my story if you like in the "succes strategies forum".
    And please don't harm yourself anymore and be nice to the people around you.
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