I Want To Rant!!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by claycad, Oct 13, 2006.

  1. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    I feel the urge to rant, so here goes.

    I don’t know how much longer I can stand being alive. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to be alive anymore either and death is looking more and more like the better option. I try to be supportive to other people in need on this forum and tell them to hang in there, and have hope, but I am the biggest fucking hypocrite in the world for saying that. I feel like the world is shit and humans have no hope. I don’t believe we have souls there is no heaven and we are not reborn. What is the point of even trying to live a long and happy life when we are just going to be eaten my maggots after we are dead anyway? No profound meaning to life, no eternal happiness, no seeing our loved ones on the other side. Just dead, food for the maggots, fertilizer for the earth, nothing more. This is what I feel I truly believe.

    I have even thought that there is a meaning to life even without a belief in eternal happiness. To make others lives better. To help and be compassionate. To contribute to society to make future generations better. Fuck that shit too. It’s inevitably that the human race will one day be extinct IMO. We are either going to kill ourselves in some nuclear fucking world war III or be wiped out by some horrific natural disaster when the planet finally gets tired of taking our shit. So why make any contributions to society in anyway when all humans are going to go the way of the dinosaurs eventually? It would be futile. Might not happen soon, but my guess is within the next 50,000 years, there won’t be a human in existence, maybe no life left on earth at all.

    I always thought of my suicidal thoughts as being completely irrational. Now, they are becoming more and more rational by the day. It is starting to make more sense to choose death over life. I am having doubts that I even have depression or social anxiety. I don’t have social anxiety, I just hate fucking people. I hate what humans have become, they are all selfish whether they admit it or not, me being the worst of them all. I question whether human intelligence has done the world any good what-so-ever. I believe it has not. Our intelligence has caused us to cause the inevitable demise of all human existence. Human nature isn’t to be kind and loving, it is to fuck ourselves and be in denial about it.

    I don’t have depression; I just see the world for what it really is. Shit. Nobody has depression. People who are considered depressed are actually the sanest. We know what the world really is, what is has become and what it will be. It is the fucking doctors and therapists that feed us the bullshit that we can be happy, and life is worth living that are the insane ones. They deluded themselves into believing it and they try to fool us into believing it too. You would have to be fucking crazy to want to live.

    I’ll probably feel like a fucking ass for saying have the shit I said. I can’t even remember what half of it was, but I don’t care at the moment. This is a pathetic attempt at hoping to make myself feel better that even thought I know it won’t work, but I feel compelled to post this shit anyway. Fuck it if nobody bothers to read it. If you were stupid enough to then sorry for wasting your time…like I care anyway.
  2. Entropy

    Entropy Well-Known Member

    In my darkest hours I agree 100% with your rant.

    I have said it msyelf in diffrent words in many posts here and in my life to my friends and even total strangers.

    I hate everyone too, but I am sure that you can turn that into a lie with the simple fact that I am here and posting this post.

    If I hated you would I be here justifying what you say =)

    I guess if your old enough, have a bear and watch an old favorite movie and forget about it, forget about trying to rationalize everyone elses behavior. Its hard I constantly rationalize my own behavior. I try rationalize everyone elses behavior because I don't think they are allowed to act without it being rationalized by me :tongue:

    Don't let the grim knowledge and reason put a sledgehammer in your stomach though... I say this as a certain country coulde be nuking the crud out of my certain country right now... and if they did tommorow and I suffered greatly but maybe just survived enough to come post here again... I would probly be glad that I was alive and that I had a chance at vengence or something...

    So I dunno got to answer for yourself =) but at least you can come here and be honest about your feelings =)
  3. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    True I guess. Something I have thought about, something my therapist tells me all the time. "you have to be comfortable with yourself." Maybe I need to just be comfortable with the fact I'm an asshole. Now I try to be a nice person. I come to this forum and many others and give people advice I think a nice person should give. I'm courteous. I hold the door open for people, I help people pick things up. I say thank you and your welcome. I'm eager to please in fact. But I feel I only really do those things just because that is what society has conditioned me to do.

    I will use homosexuals as an example. I believe that no one chooses to be gay. They either are or are not. What causes a person to be gay? I have no idea - genetics, conditions of their environment...who knows? But gay people are rejected by most of society, not all, but most. Who would choose that. There are two types of gay people. Those who are comfortable with themselves and those who are not. Those who accept being gay, and those who don't. Assholes are the same way. Some people who are assholes and don't accept being an asshole so they fight those urges by pretending to be nice. Same as a gay person who knows they are gay, but pretends they are not by fucking the opposite sex. They say "I fuck the opposite sex, I'm not gay" when in their hearts they know the truth. Same with assholes. I say "I do courteous acts, I'm not an asshole" when in my heart, I know that I am.

    Now I'm not the type of asshole that wants to go around and derive enjoyments at others expense or anything. But an asshole I am, I think mean thoughts. After all, our thoughts are who we really are, not are actions - our actions are just a cover. Sure, I try to disguise the mean thoughts with thoughts of compassion and love, but the bad thoughts always win. I can control my actions by doing nice things, but I always think asshole thoughts.

    I think I just need to be more accepting of the fact I'm a total asshole and stop pretending to be nice.
  4. Entropy

    Entropy Well-Known Member

    Those thoughts, those are the feelings of alienation.

    Like you stated... society doesnt accept your natural reaction to the order of things...

    So internally you rail against everything you see.

    Am I right?

    I have stated here on this forum that I wanted to kill everyone and everything I wanted to see the earth a barren sterile wasteland. I have felt like the only order is the entropy of the universe.

    I just want to say that its ok to feel bad and feel hate and feel anger and feel upset and feel dissapointed. Its ok to want to destroy... its natural. If a be stings me I feel pain. If a person tells me im stupid, I realy do feel pain from that too. I will swat a bee... I have to rise above swatting people because im not willing to accept the consequences of doing so =) Plus I really dont want for anyone to feel the kind of pain I feel sometimes. I dont want to be resposable for it.

    Its how you act on those feelings, how you interpret those feelings...

    You can accept the logical consequences of the actions you take or you can blame it on something externel. I have a deep respect that internally you see how you feel, yet you choose not to "force others to feel the way you do by being a deliberate jerk".

    Are the people who made the movie jackass and jackass 2 assholes? Their antics were pretty offensive to some... me I personaly thought they were hilarious... But to some they were absolutely revolting. To some the very idea of what goes through the minds of them is twisted and evil. Yet to others its not. I thought it was entertaining, and I didnt realy think them cruel or sick or twisted... they sure did some things I probly would never do, unless of course I was getting payed a couple million to make a movie =)

    So im going to stand my ground and say your anti-pathy is not evil. I am going to say that your desire to help people is commendable. I am going to say that I hope you can learn to accept the way you feel...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2006
  5. i hate existing just as much as you do [maybe even more?!]
    but for some reason i got presented with way too much personal evidence- experience which makes it impossible for me to deny that rebirth is true. i've been trying to deny it and hide from it for a while, but it doesn't work.

    consider this:
    if rebirth were false, then the absolute most compassionate thing we could do for all later generations is to blow up the whole planet [killing all animals & humans] to guarantee that no further animals-humans are ever born again. because birth immediately implies suffering. so if all of us die, there's no more future birth, hence no more future suffering.

    what goes through the mind of ppl who chose to have children?
    if they merely examine the world for like 2 seconds then would have to admit the fact that most ppl suffer. most people encounter wayyyyyyyyy more suffering than happiness, therefore what's the point of existing?

    if you analyze every moment of life and find that 90% of your life was suffering, and 10% was happiness; then was it worth it to even exist at all ?

    or is it worth for an entire civilization to exist even in the extreme hypothetical situation where 99% of the civilization are happy but 1% of it are in extreme suffering? out of compassion for that 1% the entire civilization should chose to not exist. "the needs of the many outweight the needs of the few"
  6. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    non_existence, I must say I envy you for believing what you believe. I envy anyone with any faith. However, from my perspective at this moment, I really believe all faith is a delusion created by the human mind for survival.

    Our intelligence has surpassed our survival instinct. All creations of life after death or rebirth, from my perspective, are ultimately creations of the human mind to ensure our survival because ultimately that is the meaning of life.

    I doubt that animals have this level of intelligence. They can't think the way we can. All they know is "I must eat to survive" "I must mate to produce offspring to ensure survival of my species"

    Human’s intelligence exceeds this instinct. So we must create a reason for our existence that is beyond mere survival of future generations. We must convince our selves that we will never cease to exist. We will be reborn, or we will have eternal life after death, or whatever ones faith causes them to believe. Our minds create these beliefs merely as survival instinct.

    This is merely my perspective and I don't deny I could be wrong. On the other hand by me not denying that I could be wrong and that you could be right is just another form of a survival instinct.

    So from my perspective, there are happy people, even though it is a complete delusion of happiness, they are none the less happy. They believe they will live forever either in rebirth or life after death as will their children and this makes them happy so they want to create more happiness by having children. People are oblivious to the fact that there is no such thing as happiness, it is just a survival instinct put into us by whatever created us.

    I can comprehend how reincarnation makes sense. I don't believe it, but I can understand how someone could. I enjoy reading your believes on this...as long as you don't present them as facts:biggrin:

    My perspective is that your mind has created these beliefs and experiences of past lives, so that you believe even if your life is unhappy now, by being a better person in this one, you will have a better life in your rebirth. It must give you great joy to believe that even if you say your aren't happy, you have given yourself a reason to survive.

    Maybe reincarnation does exist, my mind chooses not to believe it.

    Of course maybe happiness does exist and I am the one who in fact is delusional. Maybe my reason for existence is I deluded myself to believe that I am superior to all because I believe I see the truth and they don't. Therefore I believe I am superior for seeing the truth when no one else can, therefore giving my existence meaning...Grr nothing makes any sense:sad:
  7. i don't have 'faith' in rebirth in the normal sense of faith, and it does NOT give meaning to my life. i can't stress enough that i wish rebirth was NOT true, there's nothing i hate more in life than rebirth.

    i really really wish that our physical death meant that we just died for good forever, just food for maggots and nothing else. it would be a dream come true for me if annihilation were actually true.

    but i think that your belief in annihilation is actually equivalent to believing in any religion, because if you believe that God will take you to heaven if you pray or if you believe that maggots eat you and that's it then in BOTH cases you're just _assuming_ that suffering ends forever effortlessly.

    that is, without having to put in any effort [except praying for a few minutes, which is nothing] you just enter into a state of permanent non-suffering.

    so what you have to do is contemplate the more fundamental problem: can suffering come to an end all by itself effortlessly ?

    all the religions that believe that a God will save them make this same mistake: they become convinced that they can just have effortless permanent non-suffering if they just pray for a few minutes.

    look at the fundamental consequences instead of just the trivial differences.
  8. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    You are right. I was never abused as a child by my parents or any family. But I feel I was mistreated in school by my peers. In the long of it all, I feel as if I was mistreated more in my life then I was praised. This makes me think that there is more bad in the world then good.

    I suppose that's why my thoughts lash out, but my actions don't. While a small part of me wants to bully, to be mean to others, to make them feel the way I do - the old saying "misery loves company" a bigger part of me doesn’t want to make anyone feel the way that I feel, it doesn't want to continue the chain by creating more bad people. So I suppose, ultimately, I'm not really an asshole. I just wish I didn't think like one as much as I do. I need to find inner piece and all that BS:dry:
  9. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    ...Sorry for the misunderstanding of your beliefs. I don't know much about how reincarnation supposedly works, but my understanding of it was even if you are unhappy in this life, but allow your free will to do good deeds for others in this life, then you will be one of the happy people in your next life. Like I said, I have very little knowledge and I suppose all beliefs in reincarnation differ person to person. Sorry for misunderstanding.

    ...As far as my belief in annihilation, I'm not sure about that. I think, assuming we do not nuke ourselves to death first, that our technology will allow us to inhabit other planets....not anytime soon mind you, but eventually humans may be able to inhabit mars or the moon or planets in other galaxies. This might sound crackpot now, but 1000 years from now, I believe it may very well be a possibility. So our intelligence will allow humans to survive possible for eternity by moving from planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy using the technology our intelligence creates. So if you believe that everything we gained through evolution was for our ultimate survival then our intelligence was gained to survive long after this planet is destroyed, because all planets we come to an end and new ones will continue to emerge IMO.

    ...That makes a lot of since. I believe most people do suffer, it might not be true, but that is what I believe, so by believe that was cease to exist when we die, I believe the all suffering will inevitably cease to exist, which in its own way, gives me happiness.

    ...I don't think that all people with faith believe they will be saved by merely praying for a few minutes a day. Most do no doubt, but not all. Faith is not a bad thing to me no matter how much I criticize it. It does cause people to do good things, to be better to one another, be more loving and compassionate. People who believe in a god most likely believe that their good deeds on this earth will not be forgotten when they are judged before that god. So faith causes people to be better people and there is nothing wrong with that IMO.
  10. NoMotiv

    NoMotiv Active Member

    I believe exactly the same things that you believe. But as much as there is no 'point' in living, there is even less of a point in suicide. You are going to die anyway, no need to speed up the process. If there is nothing before, and nothing after, and now is all we have, we'd better make the most of now.

    There are enough things to experience, to view, to taste, to feel, to admire, to do to justify living. Life doesnt need some kind of higher purpose, it justifies itself imo. And in the grand scheme of things, who knows if there is some kind of point to life afterall? Im a smart guy, but I would never claim to hold the absolute truth about anything. Would you?

    Keep some space in your heart for wonder, and in the mean time try just to enjoy what is.
  11. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni