I want to relapse. But I'm afraid of the shame.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Oloriel, Sep 30, 2013.

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  1. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    Tomorrow will mark two years free of self harm. No cutting, no choking, and...a negligible amount of banging my head on hard surfaces. I should be proud to make it this far, but I am terrified. I have hated every day spent without cutting, and I'm sick of it. I kept dealing with it by setting small goals whenever I felt like relapsing - just make it until tomorrow, and then you can cut. Make it until the weekend, and then you can cut. It has worked up until now - if I forced myself to wait until an arbitrary time, I could make it out of those awful moments when it seemed like cutting was the only thing that would help. Now it's been two years, and I find that I don't want to do that anymore. I promised myself that as long as I made it to two years, so that I could officially say the accomplished phrase, "I have not cut in years," that I was done trying. That I would let myself cut as much as I wanted because fuck it, I've tried. Now that day is almost here. I have bought new razors. I'm ready. But I'm scared. I know I want it, but I can't help but think of all the people I'll be failing if I start again. And the thing is, I don't CARE about failing myself. Everything I do is a failure. But I don't want them to be disappointed in me. They think I'm so strong now. Every day is a struggle not to throw myself under a bus. I want the pain, the blood, I even miss the scars. I don't know what to do. Do I follow through and let myself cut? Do I keep pushing and setting those tiny goals. Do I...shoot for three years? I don't think I can take anymore. I don't think I can take much more of anything. And I know that if I let myself cut now, there's no going back. The record will be broken, and nothing will be stopping me from cutting every day.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun do not start again don't ok YOU go to your therapist you talk to a councilor your doctor and you get new coping skills then to help relieve the pain ok Not worth it i know you think it is but it is not worth it hun. You are strong and you are doing the right thing keeping a goal set for you You get help to keep yourself safe ok YOU deserve only kindness not harm hun please do not relapse
  3. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    two years is such a good record and so inspiring and positive.
    be strong, don't go down there again!

    do continue with the tiny goals.
  4. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to find a new therapist and psychiatrist in my area right now. I have no one. I don't want to have to keep trying. I'm trying so hard to do something I don't even want to do. Cutting would be so much easier. I feel like any healing I've done in the past years is cracking.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    don't start again, because once you do, trust me, it will be so hard to stop

    i have been a cutter for over 13 years and i know how hard it is to stop- so i'm proud of your 2 year record
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It sounds like you had a therapist and/or psychiatrist before and do not now. Is it possible that is part of the reason the urge to return to other old habits is getting so strong? Instead of looking for the relief you think cutting may give you can you look for relief from whatever it is that is still making you want to after two years?
  7. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I had a psychiatrist, but moved away from the city where he was based. I still talk sometimes over the phone, and he still prescribes my meds - I try to schedule appointments for whenever I happen to be in town. But it's not enough, and I know I need one in my new city too.

    As for relief from what's making me want to cut - I can only think of one way to relieve being alive. My memories are never going to go away, and I will always be this person that I hate. No matter how I try to change myself, no matter what I do, I will still be me.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Please call united way to find out how you can get help now. can you do that? Their phone number in the DC area is 211. Call and explain your circumstance. Tell them that you do not want to self injure. And you need to find someone to help you. They have huge listings of help in your area. Please dont be alone with this. If the first person you speak to doesnt find help for you then call back. Different people at united way find different listings. Just some are more resourceful than others. The listings are huge. Please do not be alone with this. Please.

    If you absolutly have to then please paint read on your arm. Or red mixed with brown if you have to.
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