i want to run awayyyy

[blabladots]

the rona sucks. i'm not educated enough to hold a proper conversation about anything i actually want to talk about. small talk sucks. i'm not educated enough to get a job that will actually support any kind of lifestyle - like living in your own home, renting or not. my husband abandoned our marriage emotionally a long time ago & then when i finally had enough and left he blamed me for breaking up our family. didn't matter how much i tried to talk to him. my mother abused me when i was young and my father just let it happen. my life is filled with cowards that pick on the little one... me, i'm the little one. like literally, a little person. and even though i have a disability, i'm not disabled enough to get social security and it's so messed up that i don't qualify but people that have minor issues do. i get hurt at every job i work at.

isn't family supposed to protect the weakest one? my family didn't. they just abused me. my brother always told me i had no friends and i'd never have any, that everyone hated me. he told me things like that over and over and over and now i'm in this cycle of self sabotage that i can't get out of even though now i know it's my own fault.

the guy i was "dating" for 4 years was abusive too. nobody cared. i told EVERYONE and nobody gave a shit. he was the first leader i ever had in my life, the first one willing to teach me anything, and i screwed that up too. i mean yeah, i shouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't respect my boundaries, but i'm so attached to him and i don't understand it. i got pregnant a few months after we met and he convinced me to not be pregnant anymore and i didn't want to do that and i hate that decision and i hate myself for listening to him. i was still living with my ex at the time and i didn't think i had any other option. if i felt like i had an option i wouldn't have done it, but i was alone and i didn't think i would even have a place to live if i had that child. it eats me up so much and nobody knows. and people post their thoughts about that topic with such hatred, and zero understanding, and i hate seeing their thoughts because i know what i did... i know that i didn't want to, and i know i regret it. but they'll never understand that.

as for the child i do have, i've made every parenting decision by myself. i don't ask for child support, and he doesn't offer it. i'm SO alone.

people are always on their phones. there's no connection anymore.

i was going to school and getting more and more depressed, hard to do anything. then my dad says he wants me out of the house in the next 5 months... well i had to stop going to school in order to get money for that, so i just stopped doing my work...they'll withdraw me from my courses and i'll never get the pell grant again..i was already on probation. i feel lighter not having to do the classes, but now i have to go out into this corona infected world and get a job, but still won't make much. i'm such a failure and i just want to run away. i was thinking i could take my kid on a road trip, but i only have 200 dollars, so we'd get like halfway across the state and then what? attempt to convince his father to give me money? that won't work... when i asked for gas money in the past i had to promise to pay him back.

i just don't want to be here anymore. And I KNOW, i know i know i know that i have so much to work on myself, i know that pointing fingers doesn't help, i know that my life is my responsibility... i just feel so disappointed in the people that were supposed to raise me to be an independent person. because they raised a spoiled brat that knew hardly anything, and now i'm stuck with me and i'm being told to do all these things and raise a child on my own and all anyone wants to do is control me... nobody asks what's wrong, how am i doing, why did i do this or say that... they don't care about my inner being...they just want me to conform and apologize and do what they say. i'm nothing to them. i need an advocate, a guide, a mother. my mother died a few years ago and life has just sucked since then. so much.

i went to talk to a therapist a few months ago but they had this telemedicine doctor doing the intake and it freaked me out... and i HATE when they ask about past abuse, or if there's still abuse happening. it makes me feel so gross and i don't want to talk about that...especially with someone through a screen (haha..isn't that ironic?) ... but i wasn't there to talk to someone in another city about past issues...i wanted to talk to a doctor...in person.. about what was troubling me then. and then i just left because i couldn't handle the less than human experience. it's just the way they word the question, as if they're asking about my hair color. it doesn't feel right.

the world seems to be erupting with hatred and i can't handle it. i don't understand anything anymore. and people aren't honest. yeah, i'm people too...but i try. i open myself up and then people just lie to me. or maybe that's my brain lying to me. i can't even trust my own brain. my pmdd has gotten worse this year... i'm in this crazy haze for a few days before my period, my brain gets all paranoid and i lash out. i've pushed them all away. then my dad comes to me and says he's depressed because i'm not doing what he's asked me to do and the old me, the one that feels everything and does everything for everyone wanted to tell him how bad i felt and wanted to hug him but the me that's here this week felt like i was kicked in the face because NOBODY has asked me what's going on with me, nobody has said hey what's going on, you're hardly doing anything, what do you need? nobody cares. i understand that so much better now. nobody cares unless you're doing something for them. and i don't want to be like that, but at the same time i feel like if nobody sees me and nobody cares then why should I? i used to care so deeply...i used to try so hard. but nothing was ever good enough. i saw people when they were hurting, and i asked about their heart. i asked what they needed. i always did that. i think that's why they all flocked to me and talked so much to me... every one of them told me things they'd never told anyone else. i don't think they realized it was because i was someone that actually cared and actually listened. because i wanted to help them all heal. ...i just wanted someone to see me too though....

i want to be like the people that just get up and do stuff, all day long. the people that are living their lives. but then i wonder if they're really living, or if they're just repeating patterns. i guess i'm just repeating patterns too.

how do i break out of this crap cycle? how do i love me? how do i love life? how do i get up and LIVE? how do i stop focusing on the past and work on now? how do i accept all the mistakes i've made, forgive myself like everyone else seems to forgive themselves...or maybe they don't even see anything they have to forgive in themselves. i feel like i missed out on some important lessons and i feel so lost in all of this.

some days i feel like i have the answers, and i'm ok. this is not one of those days.

 

[justrob]

@blabladots I'm glad you are here. You will find people who care about you and you don't have to do anything for them. They just want you to feel better. It sounds like your overwhelmed and need a friend and you can make friends here.

I'm sorry to hear your mother passed. I can tell you really miss her. She must have been a special person.

You sounds like a caring person, that's a good thing. it sounds like you do the best that you know how for your child. Try to hold yourself with compassion.

I'm glad you opened up and let us know how you feel. We want to know how you are doing and the people here on SF want to give you support. Please come back often and see who you click with.

 

[Dots]

Welcome blabladots,

the rona sucks. i'm not educated enough to hold a proper conversation about anything i actually want to talk about.

You know, I think it's good to be as educated you can be about a topic, but at the same time, I think the expectation that everyone immediately have an encyclopedia in their head to be allowed to discuss, deliberate, express is highly unrealistic. It puts way too much pressure on conversations these days. As long as you don't make unfounded claims that are outright lies, you should be able to express what you feel as much as you want.

isn't family supposed to protect the weakest one?

You would think so. My family didn't protect me either. Luckily, family doesn't just come from blood.

the guy i was "dating" for 4 years was abusive too. nobody cared. i told EVERYONE and nobody gave a shit. he was the first leader i ever had in my life, the first one willing to teach me anything, and i screwed that up too

I'm sorry no one seemed to care. It's understandable to have feelings of doubt, confusion and guilt over someone who abused you yet guided you; someone who you loved.

I think you are being too hard on yourself when you say you screwed it up. He screwed it up the moment he abused you. And if in some warped land, you did screw it up, I think it was a blessing because you do not deserve abuse.

. i was still living with my ex at the time and i didn't think i had any other option. if i felt like i had an option i wouldn't have done it, but i was alone and i didn't think i would even have a place to live if i had that child. it eats me up so much and nobody knows.

You don't owe anyone an explanation for the choice you made, or rather, were forced to make.

Your life is not up for political debate. If others have a problem with it, that's their issue.

You are already handling your own grief over what you had to do. You need support for this, not hate and judgment.

what do you need? nobody cares. i understand that so much better now. nobody cares unless you're doing something for them.

I think this too. Why care if they don't care about you? I'm torn between thinking because you should not have to give up your beauty for others ugliness and thinking there's no reason to put effort into people who would gladly watch you fall.

But I think it's about finding the right things to care about and the right people to care about. You don't have to give that up. You just have to be more cautious. You've already learned from your past experiences.


I'm wondering if you can reach out to the government for support with your child and finding a job? Have you tried this already?

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're going through this @blabladots

i'm not disabled enough to get social security and it's so messed up that i don't qualify but people that have minor issues do. i get hurt at every job i work at.

Even if you're not found to be eligible for full disability benefits, you still might qualify for vocational assistance for people with disabilities. In some cases they can pay for all of your educational expenses, give you other free training, and help you find a job that is a good match for your disability. It's usually easier to qualify for vocational assistance.

I think everybody or nearly everybody gets rejected the first time around for full disability benefits. Often times you will succeed if you appeal with the help of a lawyer. Law schools will often have clinics that help you appeal for free.

isn't family supposed to protect the weakest one?

Yes, but unfortunately the world seems to be awash with parents that have a failed morally.

i don't ask for child support, and he doesn't offer it. i'm SO alone.

attempt to convince his father to give me money? that won't work... when i asked for gas money in the past i had to promise to pay him back.

You may be able to compel him to give you child support. If you call 211, they can help with a lot of different social services, like housing, food, employment, and healthcare. They may also be able to help you get some legal aid to go after your ex.

my mother died a few years ago and life has just sucked since then

I'm sorry that you lost your mom. Was she the only good family member that you had?

I hope we can help you get through this.

Hugs

 

[KM76710]

Hello and welcome, very sad to hear about your mom, I think you will find a fine group here to join in and share with. Hopefully you will find more than a few people here to become a part of the group.