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I want to scream! (Long)

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I really need to let it all out. I want people who can actually understand me for once to hear me.

Here's a thread I started yesterday: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=20852 This is more like an add-on to that because I don't want to keep posting the same things over and over.

I had the best childhood. I wish I could go back in time. All I remember from the 80s is playing with my friends all day, having lots of toys, having a big sister who actually let me play with her and her friends AND her toys, and just a feeling of being happy all the time. I became obsessed with my own death when I was 10 or 11. I started disliking my dad a lot, even though I can't remember him doing anything bad to me. He's annoying and stupid, but that's it. Well, I guess he didn't care as much about my activities as my mom did (like soccer and dancing) and maybe that's where the resentment started. Anyway, I've always thought about my death a lot since then.

When I was 14 a boy on the school bus molested me. I was scared and I told my friends, but no one else. I took diet pills and sleeping pills. I've never been a good sleeper. A friend told my mom about the pills and I had to stop taking them. After a few months I told an adult at school about being molested several times by this guy. I never saw him again after that. (I was a Freshman and he was a Sophomore.)

At 15 I started talking to a guy that no one approved of. He was a little older, black, and there were rumors about him having kids. When we decided to stop talking, I flipped out and lied about him making harrassing phone calls. I got him into a lot of trouble. :(

I was always the "good girl" in my circle of friends. I was the only virgin and I planned to keep it that way until I was married. At 19 I met a 24 year old man in the Navy. Even though I had had boyfriends before, he was my first real boyfriend as an adult. After a month of dating he said he loved me. I thought I loved him. He said he wanted to marry me. A little while later we had sex. Then he dumped me about a month or so after that. I went to see him and his roommates wouldn't let me in. I tried to call him and the phone was disconnected. I rarely left the house for a year after that.

My mom became concerned and pushed me to start doing things. So I got a job and things were looking better for me. For some reason, though, I dropped all of my old high school friends. I got rid of my class ring, year books, notes, pictures... Even though I enjoyed school, I wanted to "erase" the past. To this day I don't regret doing that.

Now I'm 28. I've had sex with 4 men. I lie about that to everyone. People usually assume I'm a virgin, but some people think I've only been with 1 or 2 men. Stupid how I always lie about that.

I went to therapy for 6 months when I was 24. I was put on Celexa and I eventually stopped taking it when it was making me feel worse. I'm hoping to go back to therapy in the near future. I need to get health insurance first.

I do little things to punish myself. Sometimes I pull my hair or take things like nail files or screwdrivers and push them into my skin. I like having bruises. I don't hurt myself badly; I'm too chicken for that.

Every few months, I break down for a few days to a few weeks. Right now I've been crying a lot for about 3 weeks. I'll "be ok" for a few months and then it crumbles again. You can only hide from your problems/lies for so long before they catch up to you. But I'll push them aside again soon until the next time.

When did things start going bad for me? I don't know. I keep to myself most of the time. I want to be alone. I'm sad and lonely, but I bring unhappiness to people who get close to me. I might be your friend today, but tomorrow I might pull away and shut you out for good. I wish I hadn't been born. I think it's selfish for people to bring children into the world today. There's so much violence and disease and pain...

I live at home for a few reasons. One is that I don't have a lot of money. Another reason is that I'm so afraid of everything. I can't do things unless someone is there to hold my hand. I don't make big decisions by myself. Luckily I get along well with my mom. She's my best friend. But she and my dad have a loveless marriage and it's been that way for so many years. I barely speak to my dad. It's been that way for 7 years or so. I feel a lot of guilt over that, but I really don't like him and I can't seem to make myself change.

So there's my story...


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Well something is pivotal to your feeling like this. A therapist is what is needed, not some half arsed counsellor, a proper therapist who will be able to take you back to where things began to get difficult and perhaps get to the root of it all.

Something went wrong, you need to go back and sort that time out in your mind before you can move on.
For some reason I'm not able to edit my post right now and I wanted to add some more stuff.

I think part of my problem is that I'm not perfect. I know that's impossible. No one is perfect. But I want people to think I'm sweet and wonderful. I want people to admire me for making good decisions. I'm a perfectionist, I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive habits, and I have a lot of anxiety. I guess that's where wanting to be perfect comes from. I'm a fucking mess, ya know? :(

And I'm weird. I'm a ridiculously picky eater, I hold my pencil funny... I do everything in a different way. It works for me, but there isn't much that's "normal" about me.

I look really young. I sound really young. I act retarded as Hell sometimes. My mind is always on pills. I love them and I hate them. I crave them, even though I rarely take anything other than an occasional Valium. A pill may work once or twice, but then it stops. So I don't want to take anything more often than once every few months.

I think I'm a good person deep down. People often tell me their problems because I listen and I do give good advice. Why is it always easier to fix other people's problems and not your own? I think that if I can learn to like myself, I'll be on my way to healing. I don't know if I've ever opened up this completely before. People usually only hear "bits and pieces" about my life. The urge to scream has passed...for now. :rolleyes:


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Well good the urge to scream has passed, but that doesn't really fix the issue either.

You need some proper medical advice here, so start with your doctor and ask for a mental health review. The fact that you're opening up on here may be the first step to you finding the help you need. :hug:
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