I want to still exist but how

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fleurise, Apr 23, 2014.

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  1. Fleurise

    Fleurise Well-Known Member

    I don't know how to keep doing this any more. I'm sorry for all the pain I cause here, I know some people probably shy away from me at the moment. I haven't been the most understanding or polite person lately.
    In reality some days here is all I have. I sit in my house unable to move or do anything. Housework left undone, no food or sleep, but I come here and at least here I kinda have some people who know what is going on. Some small touch on reality and that I do exist and I haven't dropped into some nightmare that I can't awake from.
    You know the ones where either you fall asleep and wake up and your the last person left alive, or you fall asleep and wake up and no one knows you exist, it's like you've dropped out of existence and no matter how hard you try people just can't see or hear you.
    Here at least I feel heard, understood a little. I know you all care and want to help but my reality offline is that I exist less and less each and every day.
    Without coming here it would be so easy to detach and drop off the face of this earth so to speak.
    Weird when you go from having a family (husband and his family) to nothing.
    When now I can go days without speaking to anyone with my voice. The only mail I get in bills.
    Is my true reality going to be that I have to learn to exist with a single living soul.
    Is my true reality going to be that I will never be able to fix anything.

    Reaching out for help away from here hasn't helped at all.

    I'm continually drawn to a movie I saw. "What dreams may come" I'm the one left behind.
    I'm quite sure I must have done something really bad to deserve all this but I can't work out what it was.

    I'm continually looking for ways to ease my conscience lately about what I want to do. A rope sounds really good right now.
    I can't give any of you anything, and feel like I shouldn't exist
    I don't know what is going to happen but I wrote a "Last Note"

    Want to thank everyone for their support, and say I'm sorry
  2. Zeal

    Zeal New Member

    Don't say you're sorry.

    There's nothing to be sorry for. What, for being in pain? That's like saying you're sorry for breathing.

    Just be you.

    Honestly, there are points where self-coaching, medication and guided therapy are the best option. Have you tried CBT or DBT therapy?

    I know getting up some days is the most futile-feeling, empty gesture. Everything after that feels pointless. You get angry at people you think love you. You get pissed at people you know don't give a damn. It's like every moment is anger and pain and sadness.

    But there are things out there that might help.
    I don't know what if anything you've tried. It makes sense to try it all before giving up, though. Trying is hard, but it's something everyone owes themselves.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Fleurise, NEVER feel sorry for yourself and the people here will help you. Just keep posting your thoughts. The current situation is hard but you are still here, that's a start in my book.

    I know it's hard at the moment but just take one day at a time. The over-thinking does not help as you keep dwelling over the same thoughts. Depression is hard and how I'm currently handling is using an elastic band which someone suggested. I have been their thinking life is not worth living but the simple of process of drawing breath of fresh air on a new day getting me through.

    Fleurise, you can make it and I believe in you. Do think you are alone. Just keep posting please and once again take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2014
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Fleurise, the last thread meant to say "Do NOT think your alone.." So sorry about as I meant not to offend but I do care about others hurting.
  5. Fleurise

    Fleurise Well-Known Member

    I know that I'm not alone here. Sorry for all the idiotic things in say lately. I need to stop being like this because It's not helping me and I don't like how it hurts others.
    Could this thread please be closed. Would really appreciate it. Thanks
  6. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Hope you keep reaching out and talking to us Fleurise. I will close thread as you requested.
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