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I want to stop

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by MommyAcorn, Feb 22, 2018.

  1. MommyAcorn

    MommyAcorn Member

    Howdy y'all!

    This is my first post here. I have dealt with depression my entire life. I was around 8 years old the first time I attempted suicide. The last time was when I was a teenager, I was nearly successful and spent a week in the ICU. It was then that I realized I did not really want to die. However only way I could go on was to not think about all the things that had and continued to happen to me. I buit a wall, became an introvert and blocked out most of my life to that point. I remember that things happed but not the details. I reached out many time growing up to family and professionals yet never received help. Dont want to write a novel so i will fast forward to today
    I am a mother of four grown children. I married a my man because he was the greatest man I ever met. (I learned what I did not want in my life ny observing my mother's choices) My husband is trust worthy, a good father and provider. However he does not believe in clinical depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, ETC. (Our older son was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and later bipolar disorder. I was alone in trying to handle his issues growing up because my husband would not acknowledge my son's disorders until at age 18 when he was arrested. When the topic of my handling our son by myself my comes up my husband always says he did not help because the one time he did something our son ended up in jail. It was too little too late son was 18 years old)
    My depression goes untreated because as I said my husband does not believe in depression thinks I should suck it up and refuses to allow me to get prescription medication to help. As he thinks they are "mood altering drugs". Husband is ocd when it comes to finance. I literally cannot spend a penny without him knowing and do not have access to any of my own money. In addition I've had 4 back surgeries, a neck surgery and expect to have another neck surgery Again my husband does not understand the level of pian I have on a daily basis. He fusses up a storm about me taking pain medication constantly insinuating that I am a drug addict even with proof that i im no way abuse my medicine. Now he wants me to stop taking my pain medicine as well. I work as a nanny amd try to explain to my husband the stress caring for 3 children puts ony back. The idiots reply was well don't pick the kids up
     
  2. MommyAcorn

    MommyAcorn Member

    Which is like telling him not to use a computer for his job..impossible!!
    Anyway that's a "brief" background.
    The whole point of this thread is to introduce myself and say that I have thoughts of suicide. On a good day I might have one or two thoughts pop into my head randomly. But recently those thoughts are out of control. I no longer have the quick"I want to die" thought popping randomly into my head
    I am constantly sad, I dwell on the suicidal feeling that never leaves me i imagine different ways to kill myself. Yet I know I dont want to die. I dont know why I even have these thoughts except to say I have truly have had them my entire life. I want to stop having these thoughts and feelings.
     
  3. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Dear MommyAcorn, you have been through such a lot in your life and to make an attempt to die at eight years old is probably one of the saddest things I have ever read. You have come t9 the right site for support, caring and unquestionable love and more qualified people than me will respond to your post. But I just wanted to say that you seem like one brave lady .. please believe in yourself and stay strong. Keep talking on this site, read the other posts and stick with us. Maybe your husband doesn’t understand because he’s scared of something he can’t physically see. How is your son now? I’m sending you a hug and huge love XX
     
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  4. nobodyknows71

    nobodyknows71 You know it’s sad but true... Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF @MommyAcorn its good to have you here.
     
    MommyAcorn likes this.
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

    It must be really frustrating to be married to someone who doesn't believe that mental illness, or even chronic pain exists.

    There might be some suggestions that I could make, but I'd like to make sure that you'd want that.

    Mostly I'd like to try to offer whatever kind of support would help the most.
     
    MommyAcorn likes this.
  6. MommyAcorn

    MommyAcorn Member

    Mary thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I'm always open to any ideas or suggestions anyone might have it is the whole reason I came to the site, to get help :)
     
    may71 likes this.
  7. MommyAcorn

    MommyAcorn Member

    Winter thank you for taking the time to respond to my post I appreciate your input and hugs :) my son will always have issues but it's currently doing fairly well. He's in a pretty serious relationship I do worry for him if the relationship comes to an end what he might do. He lives far away and I would not be able to get to him to help I pray for him everyday and for now he is happy
     
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Do you think your husband would be willing to go with you to couples counseling?

    That sounds pretty controlling of him.

    I recommend acupuncture here a lot, it might help with the pain as well as depression. The links in my signature can connect you to some more information
     
  9. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Welcome aboard, hope you can find some relief here. You are a warrior with 4 back/neck surgeries? Wow. @may71 has good alternative suggestions. Just letting you know pain meds do alter our moods making us more depressed. It sucks.

    And its hard for people to accept the fact that mental illness is very real and not just "he will grow up and become his own man" thing. They do not see it, people did not talk about it and being aware and educating people is always a challenge. I hope your son is getting the help he needs.

    Take Care
     
    may71 likes this.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there welcome to the forum, I am so glad you joined I really am, because I feel we can be of great support to you.

    Regarding your husband, maybe he needs to hear it from your doctor that you do in fact need to take the pain medication, would taking him on a session with you be of any help do you think?

    Some people don't believe in mental illness, it's sad that, that seems to be more common in the elderly. Don't go against your doctors advice is all I can really say, follow his instructions and screw what the husband thinks. Your well being comes first and foremost.

    I understand you would not have ended up here if things were going well but you need to realise you must take care of no.1 first, YOU.

    Good luck
     
  11. Dynamaniac

    Dynamaniac Active Member

    I'm so sorry to hear about all of your struggles. The reality of mental illness is one that is tough from an education standpoint. People who don't have a lot of experience with it tend to believe it is within our power to overcome because they equate it to emotion instead of disease. I'm sorry for that. Have you tried to find information, perhaps online, that you could share with your husband that would educate him on the dangers of ignoring your, and your son's, clinical depression and bipolarism? My brother was a manic depressant and we (none of us) really knew how sick he was, nor really even accepted that he was ill, until then he took his own life. It was devastating to us all and the pain, two years later, is as fresh as it was that morning. Life will never be the same. One thing that did change for us all, though, is that we learned how real mental illness and depression are and how much we, as a society, can no longer ignore it. Ignorance is not bliss. Are you seeking any form of counseling? I know your husband doesn't believe in it, but it is important that you have not only medical support, but emotional support as well. And while there are alternative treatments, it is important that your care is managed by a professional. Do you have a faith or belief system? Again, I'm so sorry that, on top of everything else that you're going through, you're lacking the support you need from your partner in life. I will pray for you and for your family. I'm glad you came here for some support from others.
     
  12. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

  13. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hi there. I'm pretty late to this but was just wondering how things were holding up with you, acorn.
     
  14. MommyAcorn

    MommyAcorn Member

    Thank you everyone for your support. Some days are better than others I've been listening toa lot of Christian music lately it helps a little.

    He would not consider conseling of any sort. Even for me alone as he does not believe in that type of thing.I guess that's what drove me to look for a form, just so that I could have someone to talk with, anyone to talk to. At the same timeI very much an introvert and depressiononly makes me even more so Iapologize for not responding toeveryone sooner.

    For the most part the money thingit's just the way heisit's a daily process for him togo over the finances.However he hasused the situation to make me feel trappedafew times. Which of courseonlyadds tomy depression for so many reasons.

    May - I can't seem tofindlinksin your signature...
     
  15. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome! :)

    If you are accessing SF with a phone, you may not be able to see the signature links.

    Here's a link
    https://www.suicideforum.com/commun...ing-with-other-suicide-related-issues.126987/

    If you are in the US, POCAcoop.com has a list of community acupuncture clinics. Acupuncture might help you a lot with the pain, as well as with depression.

    Community clinics typically treat several people in the same room, which makes treatments less expensive, usually about $15 to $25.

    I hope that something can help!
     
    MommyAcorn likes this.
  16. Woowoo

    Woowoo SF Pro SF Supporter

    Hi Mommy Acorn

    I'm late to this discussion too, but wanted to welcome you to SF. I'm glad you found us and I hope you find the site helpful. You will get plenty of support from us.

    It sounds like you've been through an awful lot. You must have a lot of strength to have gotten this far so stay strong. Like you I battle thoughts and visions of suicide even though I know that it is not something I could go through with.

    I'm so sorry that your husband doesn't understand what you're going through and give you the support you need. I sought medical help and am on medication, but i also undertook some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy last year and began to practice mindfulness. If your husband will not let you seek medical help there is lots of free information about these techniques on the Internet, free apps and free e-books on amazon.

    One of the CBT techniques that helped me was to keep a journal and record thoughts, behaviors and feelings. I also used it to think about what I wanted to achieve but was putting off and plan to do things in small steps. For example at the time I was so depressed my house was a real mess and I didn't know how to tackle it so I planned one day to just wash dishes. It was hard to get motivated but i did it. I then realised it hadn't been so bad and that I felt a small sense of achievement so that encouraged me to do more. Writing it all down I could see how the negative thoughts drove my actions or inactions, which then made me feel worse and so on. And by writing it down I could see the progress I was making.

    Anyway, I've waffled on enough but here is a link to a mindfulness video if you've not come across it before

    I don't know if any of this will help you but it may be something to consider.
    Best wishes
     
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  17. MommyAcorn

    MommyAcorn Member

    Wow so much great information! thank y'all
     
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  18. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    You're welcome! :)
     
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  19. brightlight

    brightlight SF Supporter

    Hi MommyAcorn
    ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
    It looks like you are a prisoner to your controlling and possessive husband, and until you find the strength and courage to be his equal (which you are) you will have to find an escape route in your mind, I would like to offer you this short meditation, it may or maynot help you to find a little peace in the turmoil.
    Love and Light
    P
    ps and a couple of poems for you
    https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/expanded-awareness-meditation.128200/#post-1489041
    https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/seek.127669/
    https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/i-changed.127936/