I want to talk to him

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kairo, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I want to talk to someone who doesn’t want to talk to me. I really miss him, even though he used to hurt me a lot. I don’t have anyone here...and he’s the only person I could call. I want to email him or call him. I told him I wouldn’t write to him anymore, I know he doesn’t want to talk to me. If I call him and he tells me he doesn’t want to talk to me or that he hate’s me I’m sure I’ll kill myself afterwords. So I’ve tried not to think of him.

    But I feel so by hurt and afraid, and I just think maybe he would be understanding or nice to me.
    What should I do..
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    how long have you not spoken to him?
  3. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I'm so so sorry to hear about your loss. You are grieving. I've been there. It is okay to miss him, it's not okay that he hurt you. I hate to tell you this, but he doesn't understand what you are going through at all. It's impossible for you to stop thinking about him right now, so don't force that. Tell me more about him. If you think he would say those things to you, that he hates you, then he is an asshole who doesn't deserve you. You are punishing yourself right now and I understand why you are doing that. You are not over losing him and you don't know when that will happen. It happens when it happens, love. Tell me what you are afraid of, what do you miss about him?
  4. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I haven’t talked to him in about a year. He’s my family member, I see the way I worded it made it sound different. But he’s my brother. He’s rejected me...But I love him a lot. He’s the only person I’ve ever had around, I’ve never had other family I’m in contact with. I don’t know why...but I miss having him here. He was never been good to me, but it's my fault..

    I’de just wish someone was here. I feel like I’de be fine with being abused again even if someone were here.
  5. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Do you live alone? Can I tell you something very personal about myself? My only brother physically and sexually abused me for a decade. I still loved him because he was my brother. He was my only family. My therapist made me cut him off completely when I was 20 and I have been very lonely. I go through life thinking that I deserve abuse and punishment, but that's NOT TRUE. Tell me why you think it was your fault. I have no family, either. Every holiday is difficult. I really understand.
  6. Kairo

    Kairo Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry lautanner... that’s awful. I wish no one had to experience that, I really don’t think anything could be worse than someone who’s supposed to love you hurting you. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, he hurt me badly physically verbally. Hated me since I was little. I’ll always hate myself, but I know I shouldn't.
    I hope you don’t feel like that.
    I do live alone.
  7. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    There are days where I feel that I deserved the abuse. I feel a lot of shame. The problem is the shame was put ON ME by him. He didn't love me properly, just as your brother doesn't love YOU properly. Your brother probably needs help too. You haven't done anything wrong. You didn't get the brother you deserved and you should grieve that.

    You are worthy of so much love. You don't deserve pain.