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I want to try again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lulu rose, Oct 22, 2007.

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  1. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    if anyone read my post in the after effetcs forum they'd know the back story.

    I left university, I couldnt live around all the memories of a life I couldnt have again.

    All the pictures, all the little notes he'd write to me, and the trinkets and things. The fact that we'd slept in that bed.

    Id doesn;t matter where I was up there, because I came to university just to be with him, everywhere around there is a memory, the park with the ducks and squirells, how hed smile and hug me because he hand fed a squirell, how he'd tease me and ask for me to scartch his arm........The way he took his tea..the way he sat at the pc. The way he'd close one eye when he drunk something.

    His favourite things to eat, how we learned to cook japanese food together, how he loved to eat my cooking. His cooking was amazing. His hair, his eyes, his lips, the way he smells........everything was perfect. But I was so imperfect and horrible.......he diddnt want me anymore..

    my bunny, I loved calling him bunny....and now he ignores me.......I'm so sad.

    one part of me says "you have nothing anymore, theres no reason to live, you found the happieness you could have and you'll never have that again, so just die so you dont have to face it anymore"

    and the other part says " if you die, then he will be sad, you dont want to make him sad even if you cant see him and maybe one day, one day he might want you back"

    but if I live for that hope, I'll end up killing myself anyway.........

    It hurts, and when my emotions run high like this, all I want to do is try to die again.

    I cant get through this alone.
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    Little hurts more than a broken heart, they arnt repairable, but they are livable hun
  3. you dont need to get through this alone, we are all here for you. what youuve been through is so tough sweetie, and u can get over it and move oon,it will just take time..i know thats easy for me to say but its the truth hun.. you can do this. death isnt the answer . pm me if u ever need support, sarah xx
  4. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I dont think I'm going to be around after tonight........

    I think I'm going crazy.......I keep dreaming about him, that were happy, but really he hates me and doesn;t love me. I'm sure he doesn't.

    I cant do this anymore, every morning I am sick, I sit and cry like a baby, I'm shaking all the time and I just...............want to die..

    this time I'm making it interesting though, it's a cocktail of 3 things. I want say what since it's against the rules, I want my release, never to face anything again..

    I'm going to perform a ritual before it too. I'm going to shower, make myself clean, write a note to Keith and my Dad appologising, then I'm going to do it and lay on my bed with Nibbly. Nibbly is the bunny teddy that Keith bought me in my first year at uni and I love it to peices.........it's hard that keith isn;t around to hug him too.
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2007
  5. oh please don't. i konw it's hard. i'm in the same place as you are. i'm trying to find each and every little reason not to do anything. i know it's hard. i know it hurts. and i know your life feels like it's literally falling apart. but please hold on.

    pm me if you want to talk. or if you're feeling lonely. or when the memories get strong.
  6. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Youve been hurt, pain is dominating your world right now, you separated from 'the one' and desperation is the only way...what if I say, that the intensity (and the weakening) of your pain is subject of time and not of following your intentions? No pain is forever. Even 'it' is the slave to its master, that is to say in a world where everything is changing, change itself is the only constant.

    What if you give yourself the chance of experiencing that by waiting another day, another week, another lover...? Why not try of seeing your world through an orange prism glass of your minds eye and smile about what you gained and not what you lost? Like...

    He showed you where your heart is, and now you want to deny future lovers its intensity of your passion?

    He showed you that eternal love is nothing but cotton candy, did it not melt the moment your tongue touched it ?

    Has he now the power, that with nothing left, you still want to give everything...??

    Someone in your future would be proud of calling you 'my lover...' Don't throw away your passion.

    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2007
  7. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I'm sorry.......I just cant..I'm about to do it.

    Goodbye everyone, I'mmsorry
  8. lulu rose

    lulu rose Guest

    I've taken the <mod edit:artifice method> waiting for them to start working before I take the rest of the stuff...

    I've written notes to keith and my dad. and I've said goodbye on my LJ.

    Now I'm saying goodbye on here.

    I'll never stop loving him, even when I die..
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2007
  9. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    lulu rose, I want you to get up and call the ambulance right now. Do not -I repeat, do not wait - the time is now.

    Post back within the next 10 minutes to say you have done it.
  10. lil-sis-one-of-two

    lil-sis-one-of-two Well-Known Member

    Are you ok please let me know.

    Dont take any thing else talk to me first!

    I am thinking ov you.
  11. lil-sis-one-of-two

    lil-sis-one-of-two Well-Known Member

    Hang in there hun.
  12. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hey Lulu, pls let us know if you are ok :hug:
  13. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Lulu, are you okay? Please let us know if you can. You are in my thoughts. :hug:
  14. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    Don't know where you are but, I hope you're still alive.. I really hope you're at least in the hospital recuperating.

    Try www.enotalone.com for relationship advice, you might be able to get back into his arms and smile again..

    You'll never know if you call it quits now. Give life a chance.
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