I want. . .

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by centella, May 22, 2011.

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  1. centella

    centella Active Member

    Ok, I probably shouldn't be posting here as I don't have an eating disorder as such, but I do have a messed up relationship with food.

    I haven't ate anything today, and that made me quite happy. As I was thinking about maybe getting a snack, I stopped myself and wrote out this list, to "keep me on track" if you will. I know that I shouldn't be thinking like this and it isn't healthy. But I wanted to post the list here, maybe some of you can relate to it?

    º I want to wake up tomorrow and feel good about myself
    º I want to actually achieve something for once
    º I want to finally be happy with myself
    º I don't want to stay this fat and pathetic forever
    º I want to be different
    º I want to be able to control myself
    º I want to be perfect
    º I want to be attractive
    º I want to be envied
    º I want to stop wasting time and money on food I don't need
    º I want to start uni in the autumn ahd not be that disgusting fat girl
    º I want to be able to get on a bus or a train without taking up all the room
    º I want to be able to walk through a crowd without having to apologies to everyone for getting in their way because I'm so fat
    º I want to enjoy being hungry
    º I want to be able to get past a row of people sitting down
    º I want to buy nice, small clothes
    º I want to throw up and still get the same hit that I used to
    º I want to be able to just say, "No, I'm not hungry"
    º I want people to be ok with that
    º I want to hear my stomach screaming at me
    º I want to be the skinniest
    º I want my legs to be as wide as mu wrists
    º I want to be able to go days without eating
    º I want my hands to be icy cold, so I can feel like I'm going somewhere with this
    º I want to feel faint because I haven't eaten in so long
    º I want to be all dizzy and light-headed
    º I want to see my rib cage
    º I want to be able to get my whole hand around my collar bone when I breathe in
  2. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    The fact in life is that you need food to survive. There is more control in eating smaller healthy meals than to starve yourself, and you'll see better long lasting results. As far as all the rest of what you want; its not realistic. It will either lead to death or severe suffering through illness and desease.
    As far as being pretty and envied and all that; they best goal to set for yourself is to work on loving yourself the way you were made. We all arent barbies for a reason and I am perfectly happy with that. Blessings..
  3. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    god know i have my issues with my weight... i still do.

    the one thing that is lacking on your list is the want to feel good about yourself at the end of the day, everyday, no matter what. you need to love yourself despite the weight. despite no one else noticing your. despite it all.
  4. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    You may not have a specific eating disorder but you do seem to have disordered eating. At least you on some level realize that these expectations/wants you have for yourself are rather unrealistic. To be at some "ideal" weight you give up everything and everyone who is important to you. There is no happy ending. It's not too late to talk to someone about your relationship with food.
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