I wanted to be brave

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by resistance, Sep 26, 2006.

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  1. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I've had enough.. My parents are being immature and are fighting to compete against each other which one I should side on and I'm stuck in the middle. My dad is forever having a go at me screaming and shouting when I do nothing wrong and it feels as though I walk on egg shells all the time. This morning I went into town and I seen my old landlord who abused me when I was younger. My social anxiety has got much worse and now I hate leaving the house. The only place I feel safe is in my bed and it's the only place I want to be. Actually, that's a lie. The only place I want to be, or more the only 'state' I want to be in is dead.

    Last night I found myself staring at something which would have ended all this pain. I didn't sleep all night because I wanted to do it but each time I went to I stopped myself and I wish I was brave enough, for the first time in my life I wanted to do the RIGHT thing but I couldn't and now I'm more mad at myself.

    Tonight I may try again, hopefully I'll get it right this time.
  2. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Meh.. I don't even know why I posted. Prehaps I'm hoping for someone to give me hope or to say something nice about me but even if you did I wouldn't believe you. I'd understand if you want to ignore this thread, afterall, I'm not really worth it anyway.
  3. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    hun you mean the world to me, you are one of my best friends online, and it would destroy me to have you "go".

    you are a brave girl putting up with this bad stuff for so long, you just need to hang on in there and things will get better.
  4. joce

    joce Active Member

    Don't forget the situation you are now in is only temporary. There will come a time when you can move away from home and won't have to bump into that horrible person again. It must seem like an eternity to you at the moment but please hang on in there; better things await you in the future. I do feel for you and am sorry I can't offer better advice.
    Big hug
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Temporary, I don't know, I can see the home and parent situation going on for a long time yet. I haven't explained half of what my parents are like because it is a VERY long story but I'm so fed up of their childish behaviour, telling me things about each other, hoping that I will turn against the other one then the other one tells me things that they don't mean such as my mother telling me she loves me and she wishes I moved in with her and I KNOW this wasn't true because I know my mother NEVER wanted me and she made me know that when I was younger, my dad also made me know that and now they are both trying to get me but what they don't realise is they are both pushing me away by their behaviour but will they listen? Nope, I've tried explaining to them and talking time after time but they just won't listen and like I said it's a very long story and I won't bore you with the details. As for my dad and his behaviour towards me personally, it's enough to push anyone off the edge, he puts me down on a regular daily basis and I'm just so fed up of it I can't take anymore.

    I'm not a brave person, I actually hate myself for the way I've turned out. I feel as though I've let everyone down, my father, and even though my step-mum has passed away I feel I've let her down too, that thought alone rips into me a lot.
  6. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    And now my dad has just had a go at me again because of my 'attitude', all I did was answer a question, 'yes' and he said I have an attitude problem and I ask how why he thinks that and he tells me to stop going on and I say okay and then he calls me fucking ignorant. I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS CRAP OFF HIM!!!!!!

    Why can't he leave me alone. Why can't he just go ONE DAY without picking fault at what I do or the person I am?! I KNOW I'm not perfect. I can't be and NEVER will be the daughter he wants me to be. Nothing I do is right, I can't please him, I hardly even get positive attention off him and he says it's my fault, EVERYTHING is my fault.

    And before anyone thinks it I'm not considering to kill myself to get back at him or for the attention, I wouldn't do that but I really feel like killing myself because I'm so fed up of ALL this crap and not just the parent thing. Life in general. It gets me down causes too much pain and I've basically had enough of it.
  7. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I don't know what to do. I scare myself with the thoughts I have and I KNOW I need to see a doctor but I'm too scared. I know I need to get away from this place but it's out of the question and I'm stuck here and I can't stand it anymore. I need a holiday and a few weeks ago my dad said it would be a good idea to go with my mum but now my dad is dead set against the idea and I know he won't let me go alone and I can't go anyway.

    My mother is saying I should move out but she doesn't understand the situation, she doesn't even care all she wants to do is to get the one up on dad, at least, that's what he thinks.

    I'm scared of the future and I know that if things carry on the way they are with me being the person I am (and the person I hate) and the situations and events that are happening then I can't see myself coping.. I really can't and tonight I can't.

    The only thing that's holding me back is the fact that I think I'd hurt people and I don't want to do that, but sitting here facing death in the face it's difficult for me to choose what to do. I don't know.
  8. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I'm in your exact position resistance, I feel that I have to commit suicide even if several people will be very pained by my loss, but I'm in so much pain myself, my life is so empty and I'm just plainly inferior compared to all the other fucking people my age I know, its just being rubbed in my damn face. I need to commit suicide. Sigh.....

    Its really strange, suicide is such a big deal, I mean its ending your life but then we talk as if its not a big deal. Its a really scary thing.
  9. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I hear what you are both saying, if either one of you ever need a shoulder to cry on so to speak know I am here for you.


  10. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Please don't do what you consider to be the 'right thing'. Please try hard to do the 'right thing' of staying with us.:smile: I understand, rather I can imagine, how hard it must be to have to live that way with people - your parents!!! - who treat you so badly.:sad: I once had a bf who treated be horribly and after a while I thought I deserved it... but with time I felt differently and better - without him. It took a while to believe in myself again, but it did happen.:smile: But please don't end your life. Where there's life, there's hope, I truly believe. Please hang on to us, please?!?:smile:

    love and hugs and hope,

  11. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much, I'm hurting more than usual right now, I'll try to send you a PM tomorrow. This forum is really the only place I can turn to for advice but I feel so ignored here. :sad:
  12. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    You seem like a very nice and decent person, resistance. It's a pity someone of your caliber is thinking about suicide. Your parents don't deserve what they have (you). Given the situation, I can understand your trepidation.

    I would just try ignoring them, to a certain degree. It will probably bewilder them more than anything. I wish I had more intelligent advice for you, well, aside from slapping the two of them square in the mouth and saying "grow up," but you know...

    Anyway, you should not let your parents degrade your self-worth.
  13. ministeve

    ministeve Member

    I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I absolutely love you.

    Everyones center

    "This I know"
    The only way for you to belive these things are to say them yourself, and it will be hard. Push past the anger push past the pain, the decision is yours, I find relaxing works well....
    We're here for you...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2006
  14. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Thank you for your kind words and your support.
    I just thought I'd pop in and say I'm 'ok', didn't want anyone to worry.

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