Today was so weird. I was fine - like everything was okay. And then my husband made a joke and it's like something inside me broke. I couldn't stand to be in my own skin - the joke he made was totally innocent and I don't know what happened. I had to leave - so I got in my car and the whole way home I just wanted to speed up and drive into a tree. When I got home I filled the bath tub and sat on the edge with a knife - just thinking. While I was in the tub, I just kept looking at the knife - thinking about dying, thinking about other ways to do it - and I had total clarity about it. But in the end, I couldn't/wouldn't do it and snapped back to a bit of reality and cried like I had never cried before. Just layed in bed and balled for a good chunk of time. I'm not even sure about what. But it was crying from somewhere in my soul - and I hurt everywhere. Then it was over and I was numb - I couldn't feel anything and time seemed to slow down. My depression seems to have gotten progressively worse and I still feel like I'm looking at my life in a fishbowl. Was this a break with reality? What was this? I've never had such STRONG thoughts - even though I've been having them off and on for a while.