I wanted to die today.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by alonesome, Mar 28, 2010.

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  1. alonesome

    alonesome New Member

    Today was so weird. I was fine - like everything was okay. And then my husband made a joke and it's like something inside me broke. I couldn't stand to be in my own skin - the joke he made was totally innocent and I don't know what happened. I had to leave - so I got in my car and the whole way home I just wanted to speed up and drive into a tree. When I got home I filled the bath tub and sat on the edge with a knife - just thinking. While I was in the tub, I just kept looking at the knife - thinking about dying, thinking about other ways to do it - and I had total clarity about it. But in the end, I couldn't/wouldn't do it and snapped back to a bit of reality and cried like I had never cried before. Just layed in bed and balled for a good chunk of time. I'm not even sure about what. But it was crying from somewhere in my soul - and I hurt everywhere. Then it was over and I was numb - I couldn't feel anything and time seemed to slow down. My depression seems to have gotten progressively worse and I still feel like I'm looking at my life in a fishbowl. Was this a break with reality? What was this? I've never had such STRONG thoughts - even though I've been having them off and on for a while.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    it appears what ever was said triggered past emotions in you. Can you talk to a therapist about what just happened get some clarity on it. If your depression is worsening the get in and get your medication changed up. Talk to your husband anyone okay but get some help
     
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sometimes you never know when it will happen

    could be a word, stray thought, a song lyric out of context, maybe just something you've seen

    and it's frightening - not just feeling that bad, but not actively knowing why

    speaking from experience - want you to know you're not alone

    i'd send you a hug but you're a married woman
     
  4. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    oh what the hell - he can try and catch me if he's jealous

    :hug:
     
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