I wanted to fight.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DVI (NO SIGNAL), Feb 19, 2015.

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    DVI (NO SIGNAL) New Member

    My almost 21 years of life have been largely unremarkable. I went to school, got through bac, went to University for a while and dropped out. Twice. I got into an online relationship that lasted over a year, until I flew across the continent to meet my partner in person and got dumped within 24 hours. I suffered from crippling social anxiety, which I gained control over in a few months with help of a very good (and just about as expensive) professional.

    In school, I saw my friends get picked on, and outright bullied at times. I was almost always left alone, but never really meshed too well with the largest groups. In my brief stay at Uni, I was a ghost. I could've showed up wearing no pants and nobody would've given a damn. It seems this is a common theme.

    Everywhere I go, no matter who I meet, my presence is met with a mix of indifference and borderline intolerance. People don't really want me to be there. I can tell. I have redoubled my efforts to go outside, to put myself in unfamiliar situations, to meet as many people as I can. It has resulted in a reduction of the amount of friends that I have. Over time, I have lost friends for no apparent reason, and see myself regularly ignored and rejected by everyone. Those few who are still close to me don't take me seriously at all. They don't listen to me ever, think that they know better than me, that I am someone to be corrected for the sake of being corrected and shot down any time I try and get the initiative. There are exceptions to this; I can count them with the fingers of one hand, and this number is only going to go down.

    Of course, girls and women would rather pretend I don't exist. I have tried everything. Changed my clothing, my haircut. Lost enough weight not to be considered overweight anymore going by BMI. Attempted to be friendly, shy, assertive, an asshole outright. I tried to be me. I tried not trying.


    For a time, I wondered if there was something wrong with me or if there was something I was doing wrong. I watched others and engaged in diverse kinds of interaction myself, looked at things from many angles; read about "the red pill" and MRAs, turned to religion, studied Elliot Rodgers' case and read his manifesto (chilling stuff). There's a little bit of truth in all of it, but things only finally clicked one day while I was watching animal documentaries on TV, of all things.

    Us humans are just like animals. We have evolved next to nothing in thousands of years. We establish social hierarchies and assign values to people based on their attributes and their power. We value height, physique, penis size, etc. as genetic and social advantages. Good looks are a somewhat arbitrary (but innate) method to measure genetic quality. Money, aggression and domination are prized for presenting a social advantage. This is what drives women's wants, the desire of a high quality partner that will increase the odds of producing attractive, healthy, socially competent offspring with good chances to survive, acquire a position of power and create high quality offspring themselves. Gestation and child raising being as taxing as they are, our females' biological imperative is to select. Our males' biological imperative is to impress.

    Those of us who aren't up to snuff are tossed aside and ignored. Occasionally pitied, but never taken seriously; never really craved or desired. Just unwanted. Girls and women don't know why; they lose all desire for their partners and cheat on them or simply resent them and view them as disgusting pigs without really knowing why before they separate/divorce. Men lose self-esteem. Some give up. Others turn into misogynists.


    I have thus decided to end my own life at some point down the line, after I'm done with my upcoming life projects. There is no place for me in this world, and while I do enjoy traveling and playing videogames, I don't want to be treated like this all my life. Non-existence is a difficult concept to assimilate, but it is better than living at the bottom of the ladder.

    The purpose of this post is two-fold. First, it allows me to let it all out and collect my thoughts, ideas and feelings into convenient text. Second, it appeases that stubborn part of me that refuses to accept this simple yet incredibly bitter truth. This part of me tells me not to give up, that there is still hope, that I should post here and then seek professional help. But, having no logical arguments in its favor, it's quickly losing hope.

    I wanted to fight, but, deep down, I know there's nothing but disappointment to be had. Some people face this predicament at 30, 40, 50, 60 years of age. Some in this very forum. Someone always parrots the same old "things will get better", "someone out there is right for you" routine and I think this is hopeful thinking at best; far from being a likely reality.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Wow, interesting post. I'm not going to say "there is someone out there for you" cliche.
    First many points you have discussed are right and very sensible. You are young and very rationale for your age. I think that the loss of a close relationship has taken its toll on you and you cannot see any future.
    You says it's hard to make friends but you must remember you are not the only one. You says that you have some close friends but that's fine. I strongly suggest that you seek some counselling about you situation. The conselling will help you.

    By the way, welcome to the forum and be safe.
  3. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Life is suffering. Suffering and pain are concepts that are extreme taboos in our culture, so most people don't have the smallest idea about them and are terrified of how to even start or approach the subject. Our culture has poisoned our relationship with understanding this is a neccesary and vital part of life and yet finding any info is a challenge.


    Get a(ny) job, look after your health and spirtiaual wellbeing. Also try looking into developing your morals and values, it could help navigating all the inconsequential and psychological black holes that most people seem to be.

    Wishing you the best.

    DVI (NO SIGNAL) New Member

    Thank you both for your support.

    I think I can't see one because there isn't. That was all a mistake - something that went against my place in society and thus corrected itself. This is my future. I was built to be alone. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be.

    Pain is a very useful tool; something that signals a lack, an unfulfilled desire, or a conflict that we wish or need to resolve. It is as unavoidable as it is necessary. The best way to deal with pain is to truthfully seek its source and deal with it accordingly.

    But the source of my pain is the understanding of our animal nature and what it means for me. It is obviously far beyond my control. It cannot be changed. And, while I could train myself to look at the bright side, is it really going to help to ignore our fundamental basic behavior? Will I even be able to rationalize my experiences in a way that is accurate, universal and compatible with happiness?

    I don't believe it would be productive to consider most people inconsequential and psychological black holes. It comes off as unnecessarily bitter to me.
  5. Surenidy

    Surenidy Member

    You sound like someone I know.. You sound a lot like me.
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