i was 13 when i was raped by someone i hardly knew, 13 the magic number the start of a lifetime full of problems, depression, od, self harm, drugs, alcohol smoking, you name it, i seem to have an addictive personality, im probably now addicted to prescription drugs. i had a happy childhood, ruined by this event, the event that seems to have started the beginning of my downfall. a life of going from relationship to relationship, even doing that with my one true love, i left him for another too. the father of my children!!!! i thought i was doing it for a better life for me and the boys, but really i was just following the pattern of my whole life, thinking the grasss was greener somewhere else - it wasnt. iv been in the most awful abusive relationship, and have thought that this was my punishment for leaving my mick. i still live with my abuser but he stopped abusing me after a copper gave him a written warning which now shows on record, the copper had said that if he touches me one more time they would press charges whether i liked it or not, so now he doesnt touch me. he hasnt done since 2005 and in fact since my od iv never seen him so caring. however i have constant thoughts of a grisly past that cannot be changed. the only light in my life my family, my boys!!! i have my dad also and his wife, my mum died when i was 21 she never got to see my second son, another regret, i miss her still, i was very angry after her death and still am as she was so young 42, for years i thought that i was going to die at 42, i was disappointed when i didt, im still here. here with all the shame of a life that should have been so much happier than it has been - its too late for what ifs though!!!