I was doing better...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anonmn, Jun 26, 2011.

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  1. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    I had finally found a job and made enough progress on my divorce that the end was in sight. I was actually disappointed that I got through it without dying because I know I'll just get back into that place somewhere down the line anyway.

    Now it's looking like I'm going to be fired again, for the second time in 6 months. I saw a stack of resumes of people applying for my job, with recent dates on the cover letters. I have severe ADD and just can't think straight, even with medication. It doesn't help that I overslept twice. You can't really do that at a radio station when they need you to unlock the door and produce the live shows.

    I hate being chronically suicidal. I wish one of these periods would just finally push me over the edge so it would be done.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Im so sorry you feel like this anonm. They have to give yousomething in writing if they are going to sack you. If they are recruiting behind your back you can make a complaint. Are you seeing a doctor for your depression??? Pms are open hun keep safe and tc xxx
     
  3. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    Yup, I was fired today. For the second time in 6 months.

    It's not illegal to seek a replacement before firing someone, at least not in the U.S.

    Just when I was starting to have hope, too. My divorce was almost over and I'd found another job. I'm noticing a pattern, here. The universe wants to perpetually keep me between "dead" and "happy," but never let me experience either.

    Well, I'm not playing anymore. I'm starting the countdown. A list of songs I'll be posting on my Facebook profile, day after day, describing how I feel. When it gets to 1, assuming no one has reached out, I'm dead.

    I've tried overtly asking for help. It doesn't work. And it's unethical to tell someone you're suicidal. They can watch me slowly die digitally.
     
  4. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Hi anonmn,

    Sorry to see you feel so low…

    Please allow me to ask you: What about your love for your son? and your dogs? …

    What was the job you were passionate about? You know it is possible that more opportunities may appear if you can please hang in there…

    You seem to blame yourself for some things that have happened in your life experiences. You also questioned:

    Here is a video clip that may have a clear answer (the speaker Byron Katie is a well-known American for The Work which has helped many many people around the world):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8WzV0u3T-g

    I see you have battled on for life since you were a teenager. You have made it this far. You have been to marine. You are strong…

    Now you have your two-year old son. He can be your inseparable life time friend when he grows up. You love him so much that you do not want him to be bullied and you know you can protect him from that. I’m mentioning this because you love him and you’d feel good deep in your heart when you can do something for your beloved son. You may also want to look and see if there is a job opportunity like helping the school kids with bully issues or teaching them karate to protect themselves?

    You know you have the power to choose not to believe in the thoughts that make you feel bad. You are the boss of the mind…

    Things change in life. Please don’t give up…
     
  5. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    My son doesn't even love me. You should hear him scream for me to go away if he knows his mother is anywhere around. He's 2. Why should he? I wasn't there for him when he was an infant. His mother took her postpartum depression out on me, and I stayed away from her, and in doing so stayed away from him. I was a terrible father. I murdered the marriage. I deserve to die for that alone.

    I'm obviously unemployable in any professional-level job. I have a 2-year degree in radio broadcasting from a school that is not accredited. Yeah I can do some of the things behind the scenes, but I have no experience and you need at least 3 years of it to work in this market, assuming you could even find a part time job available that paid more than $8 an hour. I can only work part time because of my hip. Those jobs almost do not exist. I think I've been fired from the only two. And blacklisted in the market because as if getting fired wasn't bad enough, I filed a disability discrimination complaint against the first one that fired me, which is still under investigation. The business is incestuous. Everyone knows everyone. Most of them are even owned by the same two corporations. I had found the one independent station and had to go and get fired from that, too.

    And my hip is only getting worse. Much faster than it was supposed to. And my wife is saying I should get less time with our son because I won't be able to keep up with him. What she says doesn't mean shit because the way we are divorcing doesn't involve a judge, but it's still there.

    So what do I have to look forward to? My chronic pain is getting worse and won't improve until it gets bad enough that I get a second hip replacement, which is at least 10 years away before I can do it because they take some of my femur every time, so they can only do so many operations. I don't have the energy to seek another job. It's pointless anyway. All I can do is con the unemployment insurance people for as long as I can. If my claim ever even gets processed that is, as there is a state government shutdown in effect.

    I know if I don't kill myself now, I'll do it after the divorce when I see my son even less. He's away at her parents' this weekend for some sort of bigass family reunion. I always fall apart when I don't see enough of him.

    I'm just going to be a slob living off of my VA disability compensation with no friends playing video games just to get through another day, too physically crippled to even play with my son. What the hell kind of role model am I for him? I'll be an embarrassment, that's what I'll be. He's better off without me. He doesn't want me around anyway.
     
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You are too hard on yourself. Nobody deserves to die…no matter what…

    What you say here seems contradictory to what you said in a post in another thread?

    Anyway, your son is only 2 years old. He doesn’t know what you are going through or what his reactions may mean to you. You can love him in the way you can now. He will grow and feel/appreciate it. In any event, you know you love him and you can forgive him for his naiveness...

    You are aware that your wife has her own issues. What’s happening is temporary. You know things will be settled. How you think and feel will change. It may be helpful if you do not project so much about how the future will be…just do what you can now…take care of the present moment…

    Sorry you have to go through so much hardship. We can only do the best we can now. You know it’s not true that your son is better off without you. You know you want to be there for your son as he grows up. Maybe you can show your son how strong you are by having the courage to live and be there for him in his life…
     
  7. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    I hated that message. It was like being accused of hypocrisy.

    I'm not dead yet, though. I came down with something, might have even been west nile, and didn't have the energy to get out of bed and kill myself. How about that? And now the shock of being fired has worn off. You win again, universe.

    Of course now that girl I'm obsessed with is over. She and my wife took my son down to the pool, which normally I'm allowed to do with her, but not with this girl around I guess. So yeah, being the jackass weirdo creep I am I found prenatal vitamins in her purse. Another dagger in my heart. I often think of doing it when she's over just to send a message. Just so they know how badly this hurts me. I don't think I can make it stop hurting. She at least has compassion for me and we might even still be friends. She just has to maintain absolute loyalty to my wife. I wish I could just speak with her once in private and off the record. It would resolve so much of this. I might even be able to move on. But that can never happen. She'll tell her everything I say, no matter what.

    I might not get another opportunity. The divorce is almost over and the wife could move out soon. But I'm not quite there, not where I was before getting sick. I'd better start drinking.
     
  8. FamilyGuyFan1986

    FamilyGuyFan1986 Active Member

    Jobs and careers can be hectic and unfair at times. My brother lost his for no reason. His boss had a whatever you call it, against him and was hiering behind his back. Basically, he used him and once the new guy came in, they fired my brother on the spot. It happens. But...really? You're gonna cut what already little time we have here, on this planet, short just because someone played unfair and cheated you out of something. Crap happens. Not to be offensive. But, it's better to forgive, forget, send a complaint..or, whatever. If you lose, then, it happens. Same with baseball games. I've been to several unfair games in my life and I can tell you, the losing coaches survived. They may have threw a fit, got a little upset. I've been treated dirty on my job a few times..I stuck though it and now, I'm getting control of the store in about a year or so.

    You might not be able to keep your job. But, there's always new ones out there. Even if you have to start from the bottom, lets say, mcdonalds, do it. It's life. People struggle. Look at it this way. If you have a roof, even if it's a crappy aparment building, and only eating beans every day, you have it made. Looking at the 3rd world countries, some of them don't even have that. Just aslong as there's a breath of fresh air, you can keep moving along and fighting the good fight. Just remember, when it's over, it's over. There's no coming back. You would have just hit a brick wall. No way to change it, no room for improvment. It would be the biggest mistake. You can correct life, but you can't correct death. Life is constantly changing, death is permanent. and, did I mention, it sucks.
     
  9. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    It was not hypocrisy. It’s just that our emotions could confuse our real feelings and cloud the reality…

    Is it absolutely true that you would only be able to move on after you could speak with her and your talk would resolve so much of this?

    If your talk to her could be so important, maybe it’s worth a try anyway? What would happen if she would tell your wife?

    Maybe you would be able to move on regardless…?

    You know you have the power to make choices. You love your son and you want to be there for him and see him grow up and protect him...
     
  10. anonmn

    anonmn Active Member

    Well I figured I owed it to my son to try, since I'd be dead if I didn't. Before I even really said anything she said in no uncertain terms she never wanted to hear from me again.

    Thanks for trying, everyone. I don't think I'll be back.
     
  11. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Why can’t you move on regardless?

    The situation with your son can change. If you prove that you are stable and dependable, you can get joint custody. When your son is older, he can make his own choices…

    You can get through this if you will to…
     
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