I was doing okay.

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Poixe, Apr 2, 2012.

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  1. Poixe

    Poixe Member

    I was doing pretty good. I hadn't cut for 2 months despite the temptation, I even had a couple minor episodes and 1 major without cutting, I may have banged my head a bit but really that isn't so bad. The closest I've gotten to cutting was the usual blade against the skin. But by dropping the cutting I picked up fire. I'd just look maybe heat my blade, but I didn't want to use it. Just looking and thinking and as long as I'm not doing its fine it should be fine but it wasnt fine I heated and heated and watched and watched then i put it to my skin and it hurt for a few seconds then i smiled and i felt better then i had in the last couple months so i did it again and again and now i know im going to have to hide my leg again because fire scars look different then cut scars who would of guessed i wouldnt have it almost feels orgasmic i was shaking after but not bad shakes i know bad shakes and it had been so long and now the shakes are gone and the pain is here and i feel so so guilty my dads birthday is wednesday and i just had to break near his birthday dad and mom are why im alive in the first place and still right now and here i am burning myself and i cant talk to anyone everytime mom suspects i feel down she says shell send me to the hospital and i know if i go there i wouldnt be allowed to leave because i wont talk to anyone anymore i refuse to just my family doctor and i dull it down for him because hearing my head issues isnt his job and i wont talk to the head doctors anymore no more social workers no more head doctors no one i refuse to because ill start lying to them because they scare me and make me nervous and i dont like them and would a hospital let me go if i dont talk i dont think they will im scared they wont so i wont go ill tell no one but the internet the internet nd i feel so guilty becuase i have no reason nothing is bad in my life i know this i have been told this and i understand but i cant help it and because i feel bad for no reason i feel guilty doctor hall said it might be my personality and what if it is then is there nothing to fix it am i never going to be able to stop waiting for my parents to die so i finally can depressing personality i should just kill myself now maybe a dead daughter is better then a depressed daughter hell if i know now im bad shaking and i cant cry because my parents migh come in my room and they cant see me upset snap my happy face on everytime the floor creaks and its hard to happy face when your crying shaking is easy to hide crying isnt

    Sorry, I went off alittle bit. I would usually delete everything when I go off but honestly that nonsense makes the most sense, if that makes any sense.
    I went way off topic aswell, I apologize for that aswell.
    Have a nice day.
     
  2. 3.141592654

    3.141592654 Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    Loved reading your post. The way you write makes it clear it's coming straight from the heart.

    Take care and if you ever need an ear, know it is here.
     
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