So I haven't actually been on SF for who knows how long and I'm really sorry that my first post is probably going to be a massive rant. :apologetic: I was doing well, I got 'discharged' from CAMHs earlier in the year (when I turned 18 and they couldn't see me any more.) I was interviewed by another mental health service but they decided I was fine and didn't really need to have any more counselling. I was fine with this at the time and I still am to some extent, mostly because I don't want to bother with counselling again. In hindsight I think I've been slowly slipping ever since but then when I was on a 12 week course month or so after my birthday I found out I was miscarrying after allowing everyone talk me out of my concern that I may be pregnant. I haven't told many people. I started self-harming again and have been struggling with it again after being free for four months-ish. It's especially hard at the moment because everyone was getting used to me feeling better but then I'm suddenly anxious, teary and just in a terrible mood all the time. I have no motivation for anything, I can't make any decisions and concentrating is a chore most of the time. I've been experiencing a lot of hallucinations recently and I've been feeling suicidal. I spent about 2 hours in my bathroom the other day, crying and unable to unlock the door for some unknown reason. I just hate myself so much for everything. My mum tries, I think, but she seems to have one way of dealing with me and another for dealing with my brother who has a lot of the same problems. She seems willing to help him but not me, not sure why though. I even asked and she didn't really say much about it. I've been trying to get back into college and so far have had no luck other than open enrolment dates. I don't think I can go on like I am for much longer, I just feel so guilty all the time and my relationships are just going terribly. I have one good friend who lives ages away from me and my relationship with my boyfriend is quite shit at the moment. He's not very understanding, especially about the self-harm even though he SHs too but he thinks that self-harm is just cutting. He has problems too and sometimes I feel like he wants too much support from me and doesn't know what to do to help me. I've tried telling him that just listening helps but when I talk about how I am at the moment he just doesn't want to hear because it's too depressing. It doesn't help that he recently admitted to cheating on me at the beginning of our relationship which has made everything rocky. Sorry for the huge rant and I don't really expect a reply, I just wanted to let everything out.