I was getting better, but now I feel worse then ever.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Alexy, Dec 8, 2014.

  1. Alexy

    Alexy New Member

    I really feel like I have no where else to turn but the internet, and it actually makes me really upset I can't confide in my parents about this. I'm 17 years old, and I don't know what's entirely wrong with me, or what I do have and don't have. I know I'm depressed, and I have plenty of reasons to be. My mom is a severe anti-social person, she hates everyone and just wants to stay home all the time and play her internet games. I get it, her life is bad too, but I figured because she is struggling that she'd understand what I'm going through, but no, she just doesn't care and thinks I'm stupid for the things I've done. So I can't talk to her about these things, and she doesn't believe I need to see a doctor or psychiatrist, when I think I really need someone to help me. My dad is too busy working his butt off all day to have time to deal with even more stress, he's not around much and he even when he is, he just doesn't know how to deal with my issues. The internet is really my last hope to figure things out, I'm getting so bad and the stress is so extreme I can't go a few hours without breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I feel pathetic and lost, my thoughts are always jumbled and it's like I can never shut my brain off or keep those dark thoughts away.

    So here it goes~

    I've always been very isolated from people, maybe it's my mom's fault, maybe it's mine, I don't really know anymore. I did private catholic school up until the fourth grade when I told my parents I wanted to be home schooled. I was a kid and I just wanted to stop doing school so I figured if I could get into home school, I'd have less work. Since my mom's anti-social behavior started about that time, she put me into home schooling at once and that is when everything continued to go down hill. I don't even remember how old I was.

    A couple years later I got really sick and ended up being taken to the hospital and then flown to another hospital when they found out I was in DKA which is Diabetic Ketone acidosis. ( bad stuff ) They told me I was a type 1 diabetic and my whole life style changed. Good thing I was only 11, because I probably couldn't of handled the drastic change - mentally - when I was older.

    So on top of the homeschooling ( Which lead to severe lack in social activity ) and diabetes ( Which threw me into a mild depression around 13 when I became severely obese. ) It's years and years later of being anti social and over weight by about 30-40 pounds. I literally only have one friend, she's an amazing person, but her lifestyle is much different then mine and I feel like I'm constantly pushing her away.

    The past two years have been the worst years of my life. I know I am severely depressed, I used to think about suicide every day but the fear of dying and my father's religious believes are too frightening to me for me to actually go through with it, I fear what may or may not lie on the other side and the thought of completely not existing terrifies me. I've self-harmed, but I've gotten to the point where I no longer need it, because I have turned to other methods ( not sure it's allowed to say what. ) to get me through the day ( or often night )

    I have dismissed school most of my life because the stress so I am fairly uneducated though I am really trying to go back and learn things I believe I need to know. I love literature and am curious about science and history, but it's really stressful trying to catch up on many years of ignoring my schoolwork or having others do it for me. So that adds to my stress level quite a bit.

    I am 100% dependent on my parents. Even though I never get along with my mom and the fights I have with my dad are crushing, I am terrified of the thought of being alone, mostly because I have never really ever been on my own for very long, never longer then a day at most. So I have no idea how I'd take care of myself. I have incredibly bad insomnia as of lately, maybe the stress or depression causes it, but it's to the point now where I can only sleep during daylight hours without feeling completely exhausted, even though being awake all night makes me mentally miserable. I get tired around 8am and wake up at around 5-7pm. I try to fix my hours, force myself to stay awake all day despite how exhausted I am, and then spend at minimum 2-4 hours to fall asleep at night. I can't take sleeping pills either, because of my HDHD they have the opposite effect on me and only make me more hyper. My mom suffers from the same thing, so often we're up all night.

    Right now, the anti-social/fearful behavior is what is really killing me. I hate being alone, not having friends or people to hang out with. I hate sitting at home all day and all night on the computer and I can't stand it anymore. But when I try and interact with other people, when I force myself to be around my friend's friends. I just feel like I don't belong, or have no clue what is right to say and what isn't. I say stupid things or apparently talk old fashioned or say terms that are out of date and it really makes me feel like a freak, plus, I'm not nearly as pretty as my friend or her other female friends so I'm often just ignored by the majority of people. I'm overweight, so I can't do the things they do - skateboard, walk all the way down to the mall and back etc - I don't even know how to talk to other teenagers without feeling nervous and my 'flight' mode activates. If someone compliments me or even just asks me how my day is, I feel anxious and under pressure. When people ask me why I am anti-social, it really makes me feel like crap, every teenager in the knows my best and only friend, she's insanely popular so unfortunately I am known as the anti-social ugly best friend who's never seen. It makes it difficult when I'm labeled that way, as they often ask the worst questions like 'why are you anti-social' or 'why do you hate people' so I just avoid people all together to avoid the questions and looks they give me.

    These past couple of weeks have just been really hard on me. I WAS getting better. My dad took me out of town for my birthday to my favorite city and I was so happy out there. We stayed out there for two days and every time I think about being there, I'm just happy. I want to move there and live my life there because out there I'm not afraid. I can actually talk to people without feeling like I'm this mousy anti-social nobody with a fucked up family lifestyle. I'm just another person on the streets hanging out. Everyone is different out there, and it's a completely different atmosphere then back home. I don't know what it is, but I just want to be out there all the time. And it kills me that I can't. I'm worried about going there alone, it's over an hour drive and I'd have to take alternative methods to get there - seeing as how I don't know how to drive - and while it's my favorite city, crime does happen out there because of how big it is so that also scares me a bit. I have money save up, I have the methods to get there, but I'm still afraid. That and my parents don't exactly want me to go out there alone, which I half understand, but feel like they need to understand my side too. Living here, being at home in this small crap town, it isn't a home to me. It's a cage I've been trapped in for years and I'm desperate to get out, I need to get out or I'm going to go insane and drown in my misery. It just hurts so much being here and I know it's a slap in the face to my parents cause I hate it here and the environment they live in. So I can't exactly talk to them about my dreams of living there cause they don't want me to ever leave.

    All of these feelings, emotions and thoughts are constantly on my mind, I think about my life over and over again until I'm numb from crying or I do things I know are bad for me but at least they help me get through the day, cause what else am I gonna do? I have 0 motivation to exercise because A: I have no where to walk that is visually stimulating to keep me eager to walk, if I walk the streets it's just boring because no one is out doing the same and I've seen this area 100 times over thus I get tired quickly. & B: it's really difficult to eat right in my household, it's literally take out every day and it's disgusting. We only shop once a month so most fresh foods spoil and frozen food is just disgusting to me. I've tried to diet, exercise and do the right thing, but the depression, the thoughts, they always return and they crush me every time. I have no one to ask advice from, no one who is there for me. I'm just left alone and miserable because I don't know what to do. I've never known what to do and I've always just tried to put all the bad shit behind me, but it's like no matter how much I try more bad shit just keeps coming and I feel so dead inside.

    If anyone has advice or thoughts/opinions I would really appreciate it. I know this was probably really long and disorganized but I wrote it while breaking down and I just really needed to get some of this stress off my chest.
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Excerise is going to be hard, what about wearing iPod and listening to music while walking around the neighborhood? Excerising and eating right is not going to be easy but it can be done, if you eat out everyday then look into restaurants menu what is healthier choice and make sure it's portioned right for you.

    It's not going to happen overnight, it's a everyday commitment. It's okay to cheat and treat yourself everyday as long it's within calorie limit.

    Wow about homeschooling, how close are you to graduating?

    I agree with you about needing help if you're crying constantly, it's hard to deal with it everyday. Since you're 17 it might be hard to get an appointment without your mom or dads permission as they're the one with insurance if you're in the US?
    If your mom is unwilling, try to work with your dad as he might have a lot on his plate but he still is your dad and you need the help.