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I was getting better, then I screwed up my own life.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bears, Nov 3, 2014.

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  1. Bears

    Bears Member

    I apologize for the wall of text. I'm just in the middle of a break down and typing my thoughts helps me feel better.

    I've had depression as long as I can remember and I was diagnosed bipolar some time ago. I'm currently seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I moved a lot and never was able to make lasting friendships. High School was terrible and freshman year of college wasn't any better. I was alone, friendless, socially awkward, and completely incapable of being normal.

    Half way through my last semester of freshman year in college, I decided that enough was enough. I would fight tooth and nail to just have a chance at experiencing what enjoying life and actually doing something with myself would be like. I made appointment to seek help, unlocked my dorm room, fixed myself up, made myself learn how to talk, boxed the negative thoughts away as hard as I could, and went out into the world.

    I stumbled a lot. It wasn't perfect and sometimes I felt like I was a complete idiot that did nothing but embarrass myself. I fought it though and tried not to let it get to me. I joined a club which soon became something I really was passionate about. My grades were looking so much better. I started making real friends and got invited to parties. I was still super awkward, but I knew those who were truly my friends would accept that and I tried as much as I could not to be awkward at the same time.

    I moved into my own place and it was during this time I found out one of my friends had now become my neighbor as well. It was fun and exciting to just have someone over all the time. Her roommates told her I was super awkward but she didn't seem to care. We did almost everything together and when we eventually started sleeping with each other, it was good to know that she wasn't just going to walk out the door and never talk to me again (which has always happened to me in the past). We never became official, but I think my friends were relieved that I actually had someone and it really boosted my self-confidence. Sophomore year of college was not perfect, but I was actually happy nonetheless.

    It was after sometime away from each other during the break that she decided we were no longer going to be sleeping with each other. I respected her decision and we continued being the usual friends we were. It wasn't going to last though, she started pushing me away, I started getting easily irritated, we started fighting, and eventually we stopped talking to each other. No problem, I've made some genuine friendships along the way anyway. My life doesn't have to revolve around one person.

    And for awhile I believed it didn't. I still did everything I loved to do and had some really close friends who were supportive of me. However, as life goes on, they started graduating one by one.

    I began to grow lonely again and I think I started seeking out a replacement for the girl I previously mentioned. I've never actually pursued dating before. It just kind of happened in the past. However, I thought it might be important to learn so I decided to give it a shot.

    I got into trouble doing this. Girls talk to each other and I found myself getting isolated from people. One mistake followed another, one event led to the next, and pretty soon I found myself becoming alone again. I had friends who stuck by me, had me seek help, understood me, but eventually the one's who actually stood by me no matter what I did all graduated. I was beginning to fall behind in school. People were talking about me, they would whisper and walk away. I was apparently a horrible person to be around.

    One of my friends became my roommate, and she did her best to keep me sane while everything were falling apart. However, things continued to get worse. Soon, the last friend I actually hung out with and was actually myself around turned the other direction and had enough of me. I turned to my roommate but she could only do so much. I can tell even she was getting fed up with me. She doesn't invite me with her most of the time and I've begun spending more and more time locked in my room.

    I stopped caring about everything. I hated people now. I just wanted to sleep, play computer games, and eat. I've gained 30 pounds since then, whatever little self-confidence I had worked to build up is gone, I hate how I look, and I hate who I am, I'm ashamed of myself. I had grown tired of everything. I clawed my way out and everything just collapsed back into me. I didn't care anymore.

    It's the day before Halloween and I haven't left my apartment for 2 weeks. I haven't done anything social in a month. I even refused to go to my classes or to work. In my disbelief I get an invitation to a party and another one for the next day. I thought, why the hell not?

    It was when I was at the second party that I realized how bad things have become. There were about 50 people there. I knew 17 of them and most of them were avoiding me. I avoided so much eye contact it was ridiculous. I could only speak to about 5 to 6 people. I couldn't escape. I asked the friend who invited me if I could smoke in her room. She agreed and we smoked a little bit before she had to go back and play host. I stayed in her room and continued. I drank to repress my thoughts. I took some of my pills that were suppose to only be for emergencies. Five times more than I was prescribed to take within a 24 hour period. I sat on the floor and stared at the mirror. Why do I care? What's different from before I decided to crawl my way out? It was a terrible feeling of realization. I knew what I no longer had. What I lost because of my actions. And I blame myself for all of it. I was in a hole, climbed out, and dug myself a deeper one. I was lonely before, I'm even lonelier now. I want to just end it all.

    I had hit rock bottom.

    I left.

  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Wow. Speechless here.

    Is there a therapist you can see?
  3. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    I don't want to patronise you but my heart goes out to you, i have pushed so many people away i struggle in social situations i get so low its hard to do anything and feel its all my fault. you are not alone on here ppl will listen, we are all here as we have been in situations that have got us to the lowest ebb, add me as a friend if you like. loneliness is the worst feeling alone but ok this is a virtual website but many ppl care on here and you need to take care of you :grouphug1:
  4. Bears

    Bears Member

    I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist but they can only do so much. I just feel really broken, no matter how much counseling and medications I'm given.

    Hopefully this place might help me just get through this rough patch. I'm kind of hanging by a thread now and I've been contemplating just ending it all.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome!

    I truly hope we can help you get through this rough patch.

    About the therapist and psych - are you working with them...some people make the mistake of being angry at the world and believe they are beyond help and that is not true. Not saying you are like that just pointing it out. I do understand they can only do so much....so I guess that means you have to take that extra mile and work your behind off to get to a place you want to be and you can do it!!

    Petal xox
  6. Bears

    Bears Member

    To be honest, I'm not entirely working with my therapist and psychiatrist. They've sent me away before and they can do it again. I'm terrified of ending up in the mental ward again. I do kind of believe I'm beyond help, but I'm still trying to reach out to what little things I still have. It's difficult though.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Yes...of course it's difficult. I speak from experience, I have been at deaths door. Working with them can take time and is hard and building a good stable relationship with them is key. They won't send you to the psychiatric hospital if they see you trying and I know it's so hard but take their recommendations and see how it goes, we'll always be here for you too no matter how hard it gets, so remember too you are not alone.....even if you feel you are!!!
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