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I was just a kid

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I'm 34 now. Most of my life I tried to hide my torment. I'm so confused, I hate men. They scare the shit out of me. But I just can't help the fact that I'm so attracted to them. Especially older stronger men. I've spoken to my wife about it but she seems to think that I'm the way I am because of things that happened when I was a child. I'm really not sure if that's the case or if I'm just this way naturally. I can't stop thinking or dreaming about the things that happened. The weirdest part is that it turns me on so much. Is this normal? I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm so screwed up. And I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so disgusted by my thoughts. I feel that some how his perversions have tainted me. I've kept this buried so long. I've never told anyone how I feel. The only person that knows what happened to me is my wife. I've never gone in depth with her. She just knows that things happened to me.
Hi Dedboy and welcome
I understand what you are going through, I was abused by an older guy too, and Im also attracted to older men now, however I don't hate men or myself anymore, I used to about 30 years ago when I was married. I left that marriage because I'm gay.
The fact that you get turned aon when you remember is probably the excitement and attention that you got as a child being relived,
Have you thought of getting some therapy to talk it out and work through your feelings.
I know from my own experience that I was always gay "just this way naturally" and the abuse had nothing to do with that.
You are feeling shame over things that you have/had no control over, things that happened to you.
Have you entertained the thought that you could be gay. As an adult man being attracted to other guys isn't usually a consequence of childhood abuse. Do you carry anti gay feelings in general ?
It's not uncommon for gay men and women to hate or despise other gays and being gay, because of religious and cultural background and beliefs.
You don't have to answer this publicly but you already know the answer yourself, do you privately watch gay porn, or if you are watching "straight" porn are you looking at the guys or gals, do you fantasise about guys. Are you curious.
I am no therapist but it seems like there are two issues overlapping here, early childhood experiences and your present sexuality and you might need some professional help to untangle and separate them
All that said, you are on a suicide forum, whatever the underlying issues, they are certainly not worth taking your life over.
Shame and guilt lead to depression and depression leads to suicidal thoughts, and these can be overcome with talk therapy and if needed medication.
Well done for speaking out, you are in a safe place here. Keep posting.
Love and Light


SF dreamer
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Hi @Dedboy I think you would benefit from counseling. When you say you can't stop thinking or dreaming of the things that happened...do you think that you could have post traumatic stress disorder? It seems likely. I am also a survivor of child abuse, its a lot more common than you think, I think the figure is one in four. You have every right to feel the way you do but don't be disgusted with yourself, you did nothing wrong, those sick scum should feel ashamed. Do you think reporting the abuse could possibly gie you some sense of ''closure''? Or would it worsen things do you think? SF is here for you all the way. You don't have to fight these demons alone. I would strongly recommend counseling to help you figure out how to move forward with your life, wishing you the best and if you ever wanna talk i'm always around :)
@brightlight yes I have gotten therapy but I just can't bring myself to talk to someone about it. I always tip toe around the issue. I'm on medications now but I've stopped seeing my therapist. I'm to mortified to confront the issue face to face. Every time my therapist brought it up I'd have these screwed up anxiety attacks. I would just flip out and get dizzy, then I'd have trouble breathing. My sessions usually ended up with me lying on the floor in her office crying like some freak. I have no problems with homosexual people. They're people just like the rest of us. I often wonder if I could be gay. I do look at men way more than women. But is it just a fetish or is it really how I am? I feel so lost.
@Petal I've stopped seeing my therapist. I just couldn't take it. I don't think I can ever get closure by reporting him. He passed away when I was around 18.
Did you ever give hypnotherapy a try, that can help you get passed that mortified stage and you can address the deeper issues that you are scared to look at from a fully conscious state.
It will take great strength and courage for you to resolve the traumatic issues you are carrying. It's clear that you cannot do this alone, it also seems that you have found a therapist that knows what needs to be addressed.
Have you discussed with whoever is prescribing your medication how you react in therapy, are they aware how traumatic it is for you.
I don't know if anyone else can tell you if you're straight,gay, or bi, but ask yourself, in an ideal world, with no one judging you and no consequences or nobody got hurt by your answer. What would you like to be, gay, straight, or bi.
I got married because I was ashamed of being gay, I didn't pursue my ex wife, I wasn't that interested in sex back then, she pursued me, but for as long as I can remember I have been attracted to men, I did have sex with women back then, but that's all it was just sex,
But being attracted, doesn't mean you have to act on it, for most people, look but don't touch applies, the grass will always seem greener on the other side,
Most people live with the decisions that they have made around partners and sexuality, but this issue is effecting your mental and emotional health, I have been there a long time ago, but when I did decide to live instead of die, I faced the issue, as painful as it was, and my life changed for the better. PM me if you want to talk more
Love and Light
A poem for you

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@Dedboy you are very strong to come here and talk about what you've been through. It is a lot more normal than you may think to be aroused by flashbacks. When it first happened to me, I felt like a freak, like there was something seriously wrong with me. There isn't though, and there is nothing wrong with you either. They can be unnerving to say the least, the flashbacks or our own body's response to them. It wasn't until I had found some case studies and saw that I wasn't the only one that I started to calm down from it.

Because this hasn't been studied at serious length we can only take guesses as to why this happens. After a lot of reading I honestly think, and this is just my opinion, that we can become aroused by flashbacks and dreams pertaining to the abuse because of the way our brains respond to stress. I also think it is kind of normal since most of us who have survived abuse, experienced it as our first sexual experience. The way our bodies react and the way our minds react can contradict each other. That in of itself is incredibly common.

Please, don't think of yourself as anything other than a wonderful human being. There is nothing wrong with you, and you arent alone in this. I wish i had insight in the other issues you are dealing with but i can only comment on what I have dealt with.
@brightlight no I've never tried hypnotherapy. I'll look into it. My therapist never really got a chance to address my anxiety attacks. I only saw her for a couple months. It was too stressful for me to keep seeing her. And with working right after a session it was just too much for me to deal with. No I haven't discussed my anxiety situation with my med prescriber either. I don't really think it would bother me if I was gay. I have more of a problem with the fact that I dream and fantasize about what happened to me, and the type of men that I like, and why I like them, and the sexual role that I'd "want" to be in if I was in a gay relationship. That's what makes me feel so repulsed at myself. Not the possibility that I'm gay. I often wonder if I was gay, would I ever be able to have a meaningful relationship with a man considering what happened? Could I ever trust a man?


Everything Zen
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Lots of gay people get married and then realize later on that they're not straight. I'm sorry that you're so tormented by your thoughts. It stands to reason that if 10 percent+ of the population are gay then some of those folks will have also experienced abuse in their past. Those things are bound to overlap at points and you're one of them. There's no shame in being gay OR being assaulted as a young guy. Just as with straight women who are abused by men at an alarming rate, they're forced into trusting men again -- and you can too, if you choose that. Best wishes.
@sunnypseudo thx for the support. I just can't help but feel like a freak. It's so hard to tell myself everything is ok. I'm normal. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore. I just want it all to end. I don't want to relive this anymore.
Yes you are "normal" but normal is different for everybody. You are just your shade of normal and I'm my shade of normal, I think you have a morality issue with certain roles and acts that repulses you. The same roles and acts are "normal" for other people of all genders. Being dominant or submissive usually enters into every sexual relationship to some degree or other, the role you would "want" to be is "normal" between consenting adults.
Sex acts with children is repulsive, but the same sex acts between consenting adults is pleasurable and form part of healthy loving relationships, you seem to have these two issues intertwined, as you have intertwined your view of an abuser and all other men. All men are not abusers.
You are not alone in this it's quite common, and there is a well trodden path out of it. A good therapist working with sexual issues, maybe even working with sexual addiction, because the process of changing your thinking is going to be the same process as addiction.
You can come through this and enjoy a happy healthy loving relationship with whatever gender you choose to love.
Love is love no matter what it's shape or colour is or sexual orientation.
There's a hurting little boy within you that needs healing and nurturing and loving, and you are the man that is going to forfill those needs for him.
How old where you when the abuse happened and how long did it go on for.
I was 3 or 4 and continued until I was 12 with multiple abusers..


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I don't think that I can add much more to what others have said as their replies are pretty amazing. I just wanted to touch on the subject of speaking about this with a therapist. Please remember that I'm only sharing my personal experience so it could be different for you. I didn't tell anybody about my brother's sexual abuse until a few years back so I was about 40 years old. In all honesty I just couldn't do it any earlier so I never pushed myself. The first person I told was my mother. After that, when I spoke to any doctor's or professionals if they asked about any sexual abuse I was able to mention it. It was hard and I broke down crying. I still do when I speak about it but it's something that I can talk about now.

I guess I just wanted to say that maybe you need to wait until you are "ready" to go there. It's tough (as you know) but if you feel the need to get it out to get to the root of your issues then by all means do it. Just do what you need to, when you need to.

Good luck with everything and let us know how you are going too. We're always here for you. Take care.
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