I'm 34 now. Most of my life I tried to hide my torment. I'm so confused, I hate men. They scare the shit out of me. But I just can't help the fact that I'm so attracted to them. Especially older stronger men. I've spoken to my wife about it but she seems to think that I'm the way I am because of things that happened when I was a child. I'm really not sure if that's the case or if I'm just this way naturally. I can't stop thinking or dreaming about the things that happened. The weirdest part is that it turns me on so much. Is this normal? I'm so ashamed of myself. I'm so screwed up. And I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so disgusted by my thoughts. I feel that some how his perversions have tainted me. I've kept this buried so long. I've never told anyone how I feel. The only person that knows what happened to me is my wife. I've never gone in depth with her. She just knows that things happened to me.