I was only 8

[Hanging by a thread]

I have had some time away from the forum, to try and get things straight in my head. And well things have started coming back to me - I wanted to kno the real cause of what triggered my depression and if it was this. Well I was sexually abused when I was 8 on a camping holiday, and I told my mum, that he told me to do things and that I was scared. She told me off, and grounded me, the boy whom did this was about 15 I think. After that I have been a self harmer, trying to punish myself, because I thought that it was my fault that it happened - because my mum told me off. This is the first time i have wrote/ said this other than 10 yrs ago when I told my mum, didnt want to tell any1 else incase I got told off again Just feels good to write it down, get it out of my system.
Thanks for letting me ramble
LT x

 

[xan]

I hope you don't blame yourself any more for it, it doesn't help in the end and i know it can be difficuilt with all the what if's and such... i hope that you can work through it now and maybe feel a bit better for it.... good luck

 

[Hanging by a thread]

I still blame myself, because i messed up the rest of my life. It was my choice to hurt myself, to drink heavily, to be suicidal. I sudnt of let it ruin me, but i'm weak.

 

[lost soul]

It is very hard not to blame yourself. I know I often do, but please try not to, I feel for you as it must be hard when you told your mum and she didnt believe you.
Dont blame yourself for harming yourself, it was a way to deal with the situation you was in. There are ways of stopping, but it is very hard to, and also you have to want to too.

You didnt ask that lad to sexually abuse you, therefore it isnt your fault.Please try and be gentle to yourself.

hugs

 

[Bette]

I still blame myself, because i messed up the rest of my life. It was my choice to hurt myself, to drink heavily, to be suicidal. I sudnt of let it ruin me, but i'm weak.

Sweetie, how weird is this? I was never on this forum in my life. I came looking for help for my daughter.

I am going through titles of threads, and I thought "Did i write that?"
I WAS 8!!!!!!!!!

You are not weak. You can get help. I never told until I was 35. My mom actually said "Oh, that could not have happened". Ummm, I just randomly picked out a person, and a place, and feel like making this up.

I go to an organization for women against rape. They have group meetings. If I could bring you there you'd be nodding your head. Every single person there, and there are a few guys have the same experiences.

Please, I was Miss smiling cheerleader, homecoming queenie, and the whole bit, and it was ALWAYS in the back of my mind. I learned 1.) It can surface when you have your own child OR 2.) When your child becomes the age you were when you were molested.

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never did drugs in my life, and my daughter is around eight I'm a heroin addict? I swore I was nutzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. It's PTSD.

The weakling is the freak who hurt you. Don't doubt he didn't do it to other kids also. They are slick. They know who is raised in such a way and who has to be perfectly polite at all times. Yepper.

My perp is dead now. You aren't and I am not. You have time, honey. You can beat this. PLEASE, know you are not alone. I see this twice a week. We all have similar stories. We all wound up messed up somehow or other.

My mom actually later said "Look at Oprah. She was raped too as a child, and she is fine". Can you imagine? I understand now our mom's blame themselves. Your mom sent you to camp. My mom let me go camping with neighbors. They don't want that guilt.

You stay tough. You have a chance. I promise you that you can beat this.
Hey, I'm an old lady recovering heroin addict. I finally kicked it when a counselor in a rehab asked questions. Then she asks real nonchalant "Any childhood sexual trauma?" I just say "Yes". This lady hugged me and said "Oh, honey there ya go." I kicked that heroin right there and then so that freakish, ugly, monster face would not win.

Hang on, babes. You can work this out.

 

[resistance]

I was that age when I was sexually abused but it's terrible that your mum told YOU off. I don't know why she done it, perhaps she just didn't want to believe that her daughter had been through something as traumatic as that. Or perhaps the guy who did it was good at lying to convince her he didn't do anything but even so... she shouldn't have told you off. You have nothing to feel at guilt for. It wasn't your fault this guy did it to you. Being a self harmer, turning to the drink and being suicidal are not shameful acts. You are doing/did do these things to try and get rid of or to hide the pain you are feeling.

I hope it helped, even just a small bit, to talk about what has happened. Perhaps after reading our replies and us telling you you are not at fault you will believe it and that will be the first step towards feeling better about things. Don't be afraid to step forward and receive help from those around you such as counselling because you do deserve the support. Take care of yourself.

 

[Hanging by a thread]

Its just always therein my head, i can cover it up when i'm with ppl but then when I'm on my own it all comes out. To be honest i only just realised that it was behind all this, I was 8 and young and niave. I just dont seey it sud b a big deal to me cause its in the past?

 

[Bette]

Its just always therein my head, i can cover it up when i'm with ppl but then when I'm on my own it all comes out. To be honest i only just realised that it was behind all this, I was 8 and young and niave. I just dont seey it sud b a big deal to me cause its in the past?

Obviously it is a big deal, HBT. If it wasn't then you most likely would not have self harmed.

Yeah we can cover it up. I did that over 25 years. If it wa hidden and covered and all my relationships were either bizarre or plain harmful I never attributtided to that to that.

It's a great thing you recognize it and the symptoms it laid on you, but it will come up definately up the road.

YOUR PAST plays a huge part in who you are today. That saying the past is behind us and we don't know if there will be a tomorrow I hate. You get stuck sometimes. Something happens and you wonder what the hell is wrong with YOU.

Well, there ain't a damn thing wrong with YOU. There's something wrong with a 15 year old who molests little girls. You mentioned you were weak. That's a symptom of all that.

I come from one of those stoic german families that say "Oh just get over it". That can be related to anything. Well, getting OVER getting raped or molested when you are an innocent little 8 year old can be tough. As hard as you try it will always be there. Therapy too in my family is considered hogwash, but ya know what I finally stood up for myself at 40 something. Too bad they didnt like it. I finally cared about me. I don't know your relationship with your mom now, but I'd try to talk to her about it again if at all feasible.

If that ain't an option you can possibly get help yourself. I agree also your mom reacted that way not because she didn't believe you, but because he didn't WANT to believe you. Yeah, it tears them apart knowing something like that happened to their child. PLEASE if you can get help do it. It takes GUTS. Not weakness. I learned that the hard way.

Afterall we were just 8. Just 8.

 

[Hanging by a thread]

cheers, i supose ur right. Its just eating away at me at the moment. I cant stand the constant thoughts in the back of my head Why did he have to do it?

 

[Bette]

cheers, i supose ur right. Its just eating away at me at the moment. I cant stand the constant thoughts in the back of my head Why did he have to do it?

Why did he do it? That;s an excellent question, and on he isn't running through his head right now.

There's alot of reasons pedophiles/creep/ D-heads do this. It;s definately a control thing. He also may have been slower than his friends compared to what they were doing with girl. The it might just be he's a damn freak. I would not doubt he was molested at that same age you were. Some people are just attracted to children. Who knows why?

PLUS the WHY???????? It does notmatter WHY. It matters he hurt YOU. It matters you live with it daily. It matters you have flashbacks. It matters any romantic relationship you have in the future will be dictated to what one stinking creep id to you.

Baby, you can hide it, you can psuh it way back in your mind, and you can pretend it did not happen. It ends up you become an adult and get self-destructive. I'm not talking throwing back a few beers. I'm talking drugs, hard alcohol coupled with dating. It was my experience although adored by boyfriends, every single one of them were like "WOW. How'd ya learn that" OR "Why do you always cry during and after sex? As IF they really cared.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. That weirdo moved on, and I am certain has done this to other young girls.It's you that's taking the heat and not moving on in a happy fashion.

Those constant thoughts running through your head has to do with post traumatic stress. All the worry and slepless nights won't change that. You did NOTHING wrong.

NOW it;s time to be the survivor instead of the victim. Hopefully you have insurance and you can get help by a professional who deals with just this.

Meantime know he did it because he's a child molester. Hey 15 with an 8 year old? Cut me a break. PEDOPHILE!!!!!! If you want to know why it was YOU???
These perverts take note. Example: Who is the kid won't tell?or Which of these kids is having a problem a home? I mean it could be anything they tune into which gives them free access to kids that won't tell.

You are so very brave, Hanging. With those thoughts coming around more, and more it will really help if you went to therapy. Your mom won't be thrilled, but tough. There must be someplace in your region you can talk to someone for no fee.

Please, PM me if I can help you. I shoved it back in my mind. My brothers will say "Remember HR Puffenstuff?" Sorry I don't. Or they'ss say remmber the day we made mommy so nuts because we changed the wall covering upstairs with a few punds of baloney? Nope. Sorry I can't remember that. My one brother says ;You have a better memory than all of us. You HAVE to remember. Speed Racer.

I have a great memory. I just blocked out alot of things from that time,.

I'm sp sorry your mom feels this way. She loves you, and I think she my feel respoible in some way, and doesn't want to know her child was harmed.