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I was right after all.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ASolitaryBlue, Mar 22, 2010.

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  1. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    I was right after all.

    Everyone would be ok if I left. Sure, they might be sad for a while, and I would feel bad leaving them knowing that. A little bit. But humans, the human body, human beings, were made to be able to deal with loss. How else could we survive as a species? Our only purpose is to survive, and if only the fittest survive, and I am not the fittest, what good do I have, being here? Grief passes. Life moves on. People learn to forget, or else remember without pain. It's possible to be happy again after losing someone.

    And here I was hating on my human behavior class. The prof is a psychologist in many different fields, and her and her other sources (more psychologists) informed us of the above information. People live. People die. People move on.

    I stayed to protect people around me, but if they'll be ok, if I know they can survive without me and get on with their lives... I'm free, and so are they. I won't be holding anyone back anymore. I won't cause anyone any more pain.

    I was right after all.
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    if only the fittest survive, how do you get George W Bush?

    if only the fittest survive, how do you get me?

    you're taking the argument to an incorrect conclusion

    and you can't know that people will be okay

    yes, people can move on when someone passes in the normal course of events

    no matter how much you or i may want to die, i do not accept that as normal

    what's bothering you that you feel this bad atm?
  3. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Cuttle,

    I agree totally with what Wastingecho said. The human body is tough as nails - the mind on the other hand is not as tough. I don't know the statistics, but suicide survivors almost always go through depression and suicidal ideation themselves after they've lost a loved one to suicide. So by ending your life, you may unknowingly be setting in motion another suicide in your family.

    I don't want to guilt trip you into living, but you should also just know that there are consequences to suicide and they are never positive. Rather talk to us, and try to get through this rough patch you're going through. I'm more than willing to talk, so just drop me a pm if you need someone to listen.

    Finally, being one of the fittest is a point of view, and unfortunately during depression our viewing point is always at the bottom looking up. Fighting depression is one of the hardest things to do in life, but it is possible and it is manageable. You just have to keep trying!

    Hope you find the strength to carry on!

    All the best,

  4. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    ive thought of ways i could die that would make it look like an accident. like it was all normal and not planned. its not like anyone cares anyway but if they did they would never know any better. oh yes there are ways
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    oh hon

    of course there are ways but i'm not going to compare notes with you

    the hard part is NOT thinking about them

    if you start thinking you want to follow through, please call 911 or a crisis number

    we care liz

    i've gotten used to you being around and i want you to be safe
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    being a survivor of suicide I can tell you that you don't get over it and I'm told by parents some 20 years down the road that they still are not over it...and our lives are changed forever.....
    this is something I read the other day that sums up what it's like....
    "suicide doesn't end pain. It puts it on the broken shoulders of the survivors"
    I hope you can find some help to stay and live a better life...
  7. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi Liz,

    I'm not quite sure what to say, because I know how it feels to be in such a negative place that where you rationalize suicide to the extent that it starts to look like you're doing everyone else a favor, rather than robbing them of someone special.

    I guess in the end all we can do here is give our own experience and try to listen to everyone else's, so here is mine.

    I've suffered from depression ever since I was 17, and it went undiagnosed until I was about 22. I've suspected that I'm bipolar, but it was never officially diagnosed, even though I was on Abilify and other meds normally used for bipolar.

    I've been suicidal for most of my life since I was 17 (I'm 25 now). The only difference day to day being that on some days I think about it less than on others. About 2 years ago, I hit rock bottom and nearly committed suicide. I sat in the bathtub every night with my method planned out, waiting for the courage to go through with it. I came close a few times. My family being none the wiser in the next room. So in short I was in a really bad place at the time.

    Since then it certainly has gone a lot better. I don't think the times has gotten better, but more my ability to cope with the bad times has improved. I've accepted that I'm probably going to deal with this illness for the rest of my life, and that I should enjoy the good days, as its inevitably followed by some bad ones.

    In my experience it is necessary to approach your life with a healthy balance between introspection and ignorance. At times you have to look at your life, your emotions and your choices and analyze them to figure out who you are and who you want to be while at other times you just need to accept the situation and move on. Finding the balance is I think one of the toughest things to achieve in my life.

    I still have the ups and downs I had 2 years back, but in the last two years things have definitely improved a lot. I finished my degree at the start of this year, and started working a few months back. There has been a lot of tough times, and even on a daily basis I have extreme ups and downs. But I'm coping better now, and that's the key I think.

    I guess my point is that you can learn to live with chronic depression if you need to, but as acute depression is more common than chronic depression - there is a good chance that you won't have to deal with this for the rest of your life.

    Sorry for the long post. And if you want to talk, just drop me a pm anytime. Share a bit. Just getting your problems out in the open can help a lot. Believe me. And the more you talk about it with someone, the better the chance is that you can come up with a solution.

    Sorry if this didn't make any sense - I tend to struggle to put my thoughts into words.. :)

    Anyways, all the best to you and I hope you'll feel better soon!
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey you it hurts okay it is like cancer i will never get over suicide of my brother never. It eats away until there is nothing left of us no we never forget never move on never get over it never.
  9. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    ive been like this for 6 years. the bad days outnumber and outweigh the good days to the point where theres really no point in waiting around for the good ones anymore.

    and i wish i could believe it when people say they care but i cant. i cant honestly believe that anyone cares or that anyone will care.
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    that's because you're hurting so bad right now

    but we care nonetheless

    look liz - i'm exactly where you are right now and it's not fair that both of us should feel this way

    this is the hardest time - when you think you don't have anything left

    but that's why we're here - it's why i try to keep posting even i just want to quit

    depression is an insidious creature that you have to keep fighting

    honestly i may lose the battle one day - but it's not gonna be without a fight

    "Do not go gentle into that good night
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light"
  11. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    no theres nothing left. just a hole in my chest that sucks in everything good around me. it hurts :cry: but maybe when im gone itll close and the good feelings it stole can go back to everyone else
  12. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi Cuttle I'm sorry to hear your feeling so bad right now and I know its not easy to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it will be there, it sometimes just takes a while to find. You would be very truely missed I'm sure. Do the people around you, like your family, know how bad you are feeling at the moment and the thoughts you are having? Please if it gets too much for you to handle, call someone for help - call a local crisis team or as mentioned before you could call the emergancy services. It sounds like you could use some support, do you have any support around you? :hug: x
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    talk to me, hon

    i've been fighting this for over 35 years

    i may have a few tricks left that you could use

  14. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    pebble, every time ive found that light its been a train :(
    i live at home. no one here knows anything. they all think everything got better 6 years ago. only 2 people at uni with me know to some degree but i wont talk to them i dont want to get them any more involved in a battle thats already lost. i should really just stop talking period. irl. on here. i shouldnt have started here to begin with. getting to know you all is only going to end up causing more pain....
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to start talking more. You need to let your family know just how bad it is. Talk to someone a doctor a teacher a coucillor. Get on new medication okay. There are so many new meds out there with less side effects that work.
    Talk to a psychologist a professional that can help your thought patterns change Please keep talking it is the only way to keep going. Stay here where people do understand do care okay reach out and get more help you parents will miss you and they have a right to help you then need to know okay. I know i would be totally upset if my daughter or sister did not reach out to me.
  16. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i care. i know that seems strange but i actually do.
  17. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    i tried getting an appt with a counselor on campus but theyve got nothing open, said theyd call if they do, but i hope they dont.
    last time someone reached out for me bc i refused it only made a mess. my parents didnt know what to do and it just caused them pain. better they not know anything and be blissfullly ignorant when i die. i can make it all look like it was an accident, some "tragic" event. ignorance is bliss so they say.
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you're trying to keep your parents ignorant but i don't think they're stupid, do you?

    if they already know there's a problem nothing will look like an "accident" even if it really was

    don't do this liz - if it gets really bad please call 911
  19. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    they know nothing. they dont need to. theyd never know the difference nor would they care.
  20. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    i cant call anyone. then other people would get involved and i cant have that. im sorry :cry:
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