I was sexual assaulted.

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Hi all,

I haven't been active on this forum for months but here goes....

Last year, I was brave enough to get help for my depression and self harming issues. I was put on medication and I have received therapy. But that didn't help me much. I didn't know how to tell my Doctor that all I wanted to do was hurt myself. At the time, I felt that I didn't deserve anything in this world. So I got bored of cutting myself, overdosing etc. I was so empty inside that I was craving to feel anything physically and mentally. So I downloaded this dating app. And immediately, I started to chat to guys and told them that I would like to lose my virginity. I lost my virginity to a fairly nice guy. But I still didn't feel any pleasure feelings or happiness. After that I hooked up with different guys but they all left me disappointed and sexual unsatisfied. So I messaged different guys asking for a hook up. I know it's dangerous to meet guys randomly but at that point, I wanted to put myself in a dangerous situation. I wanted to get hurt, I wanted to feel anything even if that include pain. So I would message guys and hook up with them, in their cars, homes etc. I didnt care if it was past midnight or early in the morning. I was so out of control. I didn't care if i ended up hurt or dead.

Eventually one morning, I messaged a guy to have a morning hook up. I dont even remember his name. He picked me up and we drove to his house. On our way there, he told me that he was single and lived alone. Once we arrived at his house. I noticed that there were kids toys everywhere. I tried to block it off, knowing that he was married. He started to kiss me, then take my clothes off. At that moment, I know this is not what I wanted. I froze. I couldn't speak. He turned my around and pushed me on the couch. <mod edit - graphic details> I remembered that it hurt so much. I remember just looking at the couch, trying to cry silently. When he was done, he just said "are you ready to go". He drop me at a gas station close to where I live. I remember going to a public restroom, feeling the blood dripping through my underwear. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to hide in shame and I did that. For the next few days, it felt like it didn't happen. It was so unreal.

I don't know if I am making sense. Maybe I am not a victim. Maybe I deserved what I got. I can't cry. I'm still emotionless. I haven't told anyone.

Thank for listening.
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I am so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve to be hurt and/or traumatised and I really hope you can get some counselling to address what you know to be dangerous behaviour meeting random guys for hookups - it isn't safe and your safety is important - you are important - and you are not treating yourself like you are important. The guy who hurt you was clearly an asshole and, in my opinion, should have asked if you wanted to do what he did with you, if it wasn't already agreed that it would be part of the hookup. Honestly, if you froze and could not speak - and had already messaged him for sex - he had no way to know that you had changed your mind as you didn't express that to him in any way - and I think counselling would help with that too... you need to understand why you were unable to say (or indicate) that you didn't want it to happen. He is a dick who hurt you and clearly is not a good person - but he also isn't a telepath and you messaged him for sex, then didn't say you changed your mind, or said no or stop or indicated you didn't want to - so it isn't unreasonable for him to believe he had consent. Doesn't mean he isn't a grade A dickhead though.

Please please get some therapy - to deal with what happened and the trauma but also to deal with treating yourself like this. You need to advocate for your safety and treat yourself like you are important and worth protecting - because you are *hugs*


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Hi @lanasummer You totally did not deserve what you got. Maybe he thought you wanted it as it was a hook up and you didn't say no? This still must have left you traumatised. I am sorry for everything you are going through and have gone through. Please seek some counselling to help you deal and cope with this. Life is so cruel sometimes. Really fucking cruel. I am so sorry that this happened to you and please know you can talk to me about it anytime you want. I really feel for you. I hope you have stopped hooking up with strangers, it is way too dangerous honey. You're precious and you need to keep yourself precious, you wanted to feel something and there's nothing wrong with that but for future instances, I would meet a guy in a public place and take things slowly. I hope you are okay and are able to talk about what happened with people close to you. SF is here for you too 24/7.
Dear lanasummer,

I can only imagine the emotional and physical pain you are going through. I am very proud of you for opening up about it and seeking support during this tough time. The first thing that I want you to know is that you are a wonderful creation. You really need to understand that your life has such a great value and meaning in this world. I know all the puzzle pieces don't seem to fit in the right places right now, but I know they can soon. You've already received some good wisdom about seeking counseling through this. <mod edit - religious pushing>
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So sorry! And when society tells us that those who have families are angels and sb to look up to. Family man...Mr. Rapist. This is why I trust almost no one. Rapists are subhumans.

Nobody deserves to get raped...except rapists themselves. You sure are victim, the idiot could've easily noticed your distress.
Ugh, I believe this man knew he was raping her. I disagree with the other posters, I believe he could because her description is violent. lanasummer please, please, please reach out to someone and tell them what happened. I think you need to see a counselor, therapist and also find a support group for sexual assault survivors, read literature. Before hand, you were putting yourself into dangerous situations and that's a red flag. Also, I hope you will alert the website about your rape, because that man has probably done it before. Please take care of yourself. You are worthy. Don't blame yourself, it was 100% his fault. I apologize for what happened to you.
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