Hi all, I haven't been active on this forum for months but here goes.... Last year, I was brave enough to get help for my depression and self harming issues. I was put on medication and I have received therapy. But that didn't help me much. I didn't know how to tell my Doctor that all I wanted to do was hurt myself. At the time, I felt that I didn't deserve anything in this world. So I got bored of cutting myself, overdosing etc. I was so empty inside that I was craving to feel anything physically and mentally. So I downloaded this dating app. And immediately, I started to chat to guys and told them that I would like to lose my virginity. I lost my virginity to a fairly nice guy. But I still didn't feel any pleasure feelings or happiness. After that I hooked up with different guys but they all left me disappointed and sexual unsatisfied. So I messaged different guys asking for a hook up. I know it's dangerous to meet guys randomly but at that point, I wanted to put myself in a dangerous situation. I wanted to get hurt, I wanted to feel anything even if that include pain. So I would message guys and hook up with them, in their cars, homes etc. I didnt care if it was past midnight or early in the morning. I was so out of control. I didn't care if i ended up hurt or dead. Eventually one morning, I messaged a guy to have a morning hook up. I dont even remember his name. He picked me up and we drove to his house. On our way there, he told me that he was single and lived alone. Once we arrived at his house. I noticed that there were kids toys everywhere. I tried to block it off, knowing that he was married. He started to kiss me, then take my clothes off. At that moment, I know this is not what I wanted. I froze. I couldn't speak. He turned my around and pushed me on the couch. <mod edit - graphic details> I remembered that it hurt so much. I remember just looking at the couch, trying to cry silently. When he was done, he just said "are you ready to go". He drop me at a gas station close to where I live. I remember going to a public restroom, feeling the blood dripping through my underwear. I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to hide in shame and I did that. For the next few days, it felt like it didn't happen. It was so unreal. I don't know if I am making sense. Maybe I am not a victim. Maybe I deserved what I got. I can't cry. I'm still emotionless. I haven't told anyone. Thank for listening.