I was SO Fucking Wrong!!!

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by poisonedresistance, Jul 23, 2011.

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  1. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    ok,, well me and my partner have been having some trouble for a while, ive thought he was all sorts of things and hadn't listened to him but just lately we have been talking.
    i think i finally understand him and where he is coming from. He has been struggling with finding the energy to work, the desire to do things,, i had seen it but i hadn't SEEN it, if you understand me
    so he told me he has lost all sense of himself and needs to find himself again, that i am a cushion for him so he doesn't need to and feels too safe, loves me but yet has a need to leave to sort himself out.
    I guess the things ive been doing havent been helping, the way ive been paying the rent i guess for one,, the fact i needed other guys around me giving me the attention i wasn't getting from him,,,
    i do understand this now i do but i'm so selfish
    i told him i would stand aside and let him go if he could look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't love me and didn't want me.
    he cried and said he could never do that
    so i said unless i know he doesn't love me anymore, ill always have hope for us and i wont be able to let go so it would be for my own good.
    then last night we had sex... it wasn't just sex though,, ive always kinda rushed it or used it for stress relief or fun, anything than what it is because of what happened when i was younger i wasn't able to enjoy it properly. Last night we actually made love, Ive been with him 6 years and it has never felt so good.
    we kissed and touched for what seemed like an age.
    i had asked him for sex before hand and he said he just wanted to kiss me, so i had no idea we would,, besides we haven't bothered for so long it was me living on a hope. although i rush it or use it for other things i dont feel wanted unless i have that aspect so i was feeling unwanted and unloved.
    so last night was a real eye opener for me,, i felt so alive, so tingly, so connected it was unreal, there are no words to describe it, it was simply amazing.
    now i want it again, i want to feel it all the time, its so addictive, even thinking about it makes my whole body tingle.
    we were talking again today and of course his mind hasn't really changed, he says he wants to hang round for a bit and help me get the debt sorted and the house back on track and then take it from there, see how he feels. but I dont want him too, i'm scared now that my feelings for him will smother him completely,, make him feel worse.
    How do i give him space to find himself yet keep a relationship with the one person in my life i truly love?
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well, how about a time limit?
    All well and good finding oneself and can see the need to do it on his own, but you don't want to end up waiting for someone who never comes back :unsure:
     
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    no i dont,,, hence i dnot want him to go lol im selfish i know that. i want to try and figure a way we can do both. time limit is ,not really set, just want to see some steps forward,, anything would be good but in a few months if nothings changed then obviously we have no choice i guess,, figure its long enough.
    thanks though for replying,, :D nice to know someone keeps a track of my absurd existence xx
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Have a really adult conversation on this one, before he does a disappearing act.
    No bame alloting or ultimatums, but try to find out exactly what the "finding himself" entails, if he actually knows :laugh:
    I went off to find myself and found that all I did was swop one lot of shit for another pile.
    It maybe that he just needs some distance, but unless you ask you will never know.
     
  5. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    I think I have to work on it, your about giving him some distance though,, not sure how im going to manage that one but ill sort it out.
    I dont want to hurt him, thats my only worry and sometimes i feel all im doing is prolonging the issues,, but you never know I will always have hope and he knows id stick by him regardless,,,
    at the end of the day i have done what he feels he must do,, you said you swapped one bag of shit for another,, i came out the other side with a wider perception and a better understanding of me. I am a much stronger and more resourceful person because of it, so how can deny this to him?. But sometimes i crush others around me now while heading towards my goals so i have to be careful.
    I have been described as a rottweiler with an attitude, relentless in my pursuit of whatever I choose. so i have to choose carefully and make sure no one gets hurt.
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    With that attitude of mind I don't think you will go far wrong.
    I wish you both a happy ending, sounds like you have something worth working on. :smile:
     
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