I Was Wrong

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by White Dove, Apr 1, 2008.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    WAS WRONG.. IT DID HURT TO READ THEM POSTS

    placebo reply:

    Did you not read the part where I said "I'm done with this topic"?

    I grow tired of explaining myself, but here goes... once more:

    I do not doubt Dove is a depressed individual, but posting a huge rant that she is going to commit suicide, then lurking in invisible mode, so as to scare people and make them think she is hurting herself.... is very inconsiderate & cruel. I'm sorry, but that is how I see it. If you know anything about her posting habits, you should know this is just one of her many fiascoes.

    It is because I AM sensitive to the feelings of those are are truly suicidal, that I took offense to her latest meltdown. Threatening suicide is not funny or amusing, or something one should do when they want attention. Many people have expressed concern about her (such as yourself), and it is taxing on everyone's emotional state of being to worry about whether someone is actually going to off themselves (especially when those said people are struggling with their own issues). I feel that is very selfish of her to put so many people in that state of mind... especially if she's not serious.

    If she indeed needs someone to talk to, it might be a good idea for her to discard the "F*ck you" mentality... as I am reluctant to help anyone who expresses themselves in such an unsavory fashion. Much of what I said to her (especially the comment about waking up the next morning and realizing how drunk she was) was said in a light-hearted, jesting way... in hopes that it might make her laugh and think about how ridiculous the entire situation was.

    Lastly, there is something to be said about stimulating debates. Depressed people need something to focus on, aside from themselves. By offering myself up as a target, I quite possibly may have prevented a few suicides. Also, you're incorrect about my statements being the type of thing that would push someone "over the edge". Not true. I know what the triggers are... ruffling someone's feathers is not one of them and, in fact, it can assist in preventing self-harm

    AND YOU NEED TO KNOW PLACEBO "

    you know nothing of anyone who attempts their life for good.. i have attempted my life more times then you would even imagine. Anna had this forum on her screen when she offed herself, i even sent a letter to the minister giving him the day, and time, and even place i would attempt my life , he did nothing.. i attempted my life and now because of that stupid attempt and because i called someone and chickened out right after i did it i now have cancer that eats away at me, i cant stop the cancer, it is there, it is a consequence of my actions to end it.. i took enough that my heart stopped litterly, i left my body.. i seen what it is like.. and for the record i am a female and 35 years old. your statements diffently pushed me to take one bottle before i passed out, now you dont know how bad i am hurtinmg, you dont know my pain, and as far as saying i was in invisable mode, sometimes when i post it automatically goes to invisable but yet i am still on, then when i see it i go in and put it that i am online..

    calling me an attention seeker is a trigger to me, calling me a liar is a trigger to me.. i put with that shit a lot but right now i am so hurt that i dont think anything more could effect me until i read the posts you made, you dont know me so stop pretending you do, you dont know what its like for me.. i came here for comfort cause i was at the edge and you pushed me. YES YOU PUSHED ME RATHER you want to believe that or not.. so what i passed out and i am not a drunk.. i dont sit and drink all the dang time , i did that night because i was hurting and you did not help...

    and to this reply""

    Please don't do this yet. Please know that Mr. Dalton is innocent. You know why? He doesn't have love to give. He is hurting so bad, and that's why it feels like he doesn't care about you. That is a lie; a BIG FAT LIE. Don't let your life end without knowing the truth. At least give it a little while longer to try to understand how the hurt of one generation becomes the hurt of the next generation. Until we can forgive those who have hurt us, we will continue the cycle whether it is anger and hatred, or premature suicide because we never addressed the root of the problem.

    AND MY REPLY TO YOU DEAR :

    about him hurting??/ if he is also hurting then why dont he help me to ease my pain?/ easing my pain will also ease his, he could have stopped me? he could have talked with me that day then maybe i would not have taken the OD and ended up now dying a slow painful death, Why did he not freeking care enough to talk with me??/ why??? i tell you why because he was too busy in his life to even bother with me, he wanted to push it to the side, yes my niece hurt him and i did not know it.. i wondered why he was so angry with me , WHY DID HE NOT JUST COME TO ME AND FLAT OUT ASK ME?? I am not that bad of a person.. so hes hurting,, welll

    my crisis right now is that i caused nothing but hurt for everyone, WHY DID YOU ALL NOT JUST LET ME DIE?? WHY BRING ME BACK?? YOU say give it time, time will heal all wounds, no it wont, the only truly thing that will heal all wounds is if i just die, just finish the dang job and get it over with.. then it will be just a memory, i will be just a stupid memory.. i dont want him to hurt anymore.. i dont want anymore hurt from others but me being here still and being alive is killing and hurting others then i would rather be dead..

    CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?? WHY IN THE WORLD IS THAT SO HARD TO NOT UNDERSTAND??

    me being alive is causing pain.. i cant live with myself causing more pain for others.. i just cant.. you say give it a little while longer but i cant.. i WILL NOT ALLOW MORE HURT TO HIM OR HIS WIFE ANYMORE AND IF THAT MEANS I AM CAUSING THIS THEN I WILL END IT .. it that is selfish then i really would like to know just how it can be selfish..

    look everyone i am sorry, its all my dang fault, okay, take everything and blame me for everything, including what my niece did, release the daltons from anything they may be caught up in, my life means nothing to me anymore anyhow, give it all to me and i will take it with me when i go..

    MY DEATH WILL BE THEIR FREEDOM...

    SO LET THEM GO PLEASE???

    AND LET ME GO AND FINISH THE DAMN JOB WITHOUT ANY FEARS OF SOMEONE TRYING TO STOP ME..

    I have surgery april 9 at 9 am.. i will make sure something is done either by voodoo on myself or another way to make sure i never wake up even if it means going in with the thoughts never to wake up again.. i will confess everything i know to the minister that is taking me then i am out of this life..

    my life deserves nothing but death.. and no one and i will REPEAT IT NO ONE STOP ME THIS TIME, YOU HEAR ME, DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP ME THIS TIME, JUST LET ME GO.. JUST LET ME GO...
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Jeez, fuck the minister off. Do your own thing hun. You seem to be stuck in someone elses world when your a grown woman. At least try and see if you can't go somewhere else and start afresh. The best thing I ever did was to stick two fingers up at stuff and start biting back, hard.
     
  3. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest


    Dove,

    Pls do not end your life over some arguments in this forum. I'm not taking any sides as I don't know what happened between the two of you but no one need to take their life in this forum due to disagreements with any forumner.
     
  4. Patch

    Patch Well-Known Member

    No one can make someone do anything. If you do *anything*, you have to understand that you are choosing to do it, no one is making you do it.
     
  5. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Speaking strictly from my own experience... many years ago I was very suicidal, and made no bones about letting everyone know, friends and family. Much later I realized that my repeated cries for help (attention, you could say) were just that: cries for help, as I didn't really want to die, but only wanted the pain and misery to end and to know that I was indeed loved and wanted by someone, anyone. So when I read of your repeated cries for help (your suicide threats) I can only think that maybe, just maybe, you want someone to care. Anyone to care. Just my opinion, for what it's worth...

    I'm sorry you're in such pain. But do'nt give up. As long as there's life, there's hope - that's what I believe anyway.

    xoxo
     
  6. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for all of the replies.

    This is my choice because i have come to understand that it is right now the only way to do it or go about it.

    you know there was a friend of mine who contacted the minister in question here in many of my posts, and simply put he told my friend that he did not know what else to do, but he DOES KNOW..

    THE TRUTH, THAT IS ALL I HAVE EVER ASKED FOR FROM THEM..

    but I have did something and I know that others here and the Daltons
    will think badly of me maybe?? but I have prayed to God that I
    die on April 9 and believe it or not he spoke with me and the only word said
    was " soon " See what you do not know was my last attempt upon my life I
    actually left my body and went to total darkness I then begin to pray. it
    was so dark that I could not see my hands then I felt such a warm loving
    feeling and a bright light coming toward me. it had many colors surrounding
    it and in it was a being of some sort.. I could not see it because it was
    too bright and the power it admitted made me fall to my knee's, this being
    who I could not see simply asked me is this what you really want? I said
    no, then it said go back, bring my sheep home, I will come for you soon, the
    floor then gave way and I fell, when I hit the bottom I awoke.. this same
    being told me in a deep prayer to God a simple word " soon "

    I want to die this April 9, and I have prayed to do so. David will not let
    on to you or anyone else that he hates me.. but he does, he says he knows
    not what else to do for me? but he does.. God tells me he knows it in his
    heart but is afraid to tell me or give in to it. you know what he could do
    for me? honestly?? he and his wife could speak with me and tell me what
    really happened because they have been keeping it a secret for fear it will
    hurt me deeply which is totally the opposite of what it would really do. And what it is doing to me right now
    They are keeping me in this pain.. They are the driving force that pushes
    me.. now before everyone goes and jumps on the wagon here and tells me they are not doing nothing to bring about my pain, then you need to listen and understand just where it is i am coming from.. I pleaded with them online and they flat out ignored it. That is not
    the Christian way to be. I know it, the Daltons know it and God knows it. I
    am leaving this world soon, very, very soon.. and they don't have much time
    to speak with me one on one.. not over a freaking telephone, not over the
    internet or email, but I am talking person to person, face to face, but
    their fear is keeping that from happening. God says the truth will set you
    free.. I just need to know the truth of what happened, that and only that
    will fully set me free to even begin to heal.. He don't know what to do??
    then you need to tell him these exact words that I wrote here that will help
    me heal.. that is the only thing that will.. that is what I have pleaded
    with for a long, long time.. here is what I do know..

    1 = I know my niece hurt them somehow by using my computer maybe just one time or it might be more when she stayed here with me.

    2 = I know that it involved paperwork on him = I know this to
    be fact because I had a scanner going and turned on when his full name and
    the church he preached at was told on the scanner at the time along with my name.- this much I know is true.

    3 = I know the church did something either for me or against me because when I was at the nut house after my attempt the doctor told me or rather come out and plainly said " THAT CHURCH MUST REALLY LOVE YOU A LOT "

    4 = I know several other things because I heard my full name mentioned along with warrants and things like that before they found out I was on the other side of the wall then they hushed about it.

    now if it involved me.. I have a legal and full right to know what took
    place and happened.. they are trying to keep it from me and keep it secret.
    how do I know this? because they are refusing every effort I put forth into
    asking what happened but yet simply refuse to tell me not to worry about it
    and it was not about you, etc.. when they are not telling me this it was
    defiantly about me.. if it was not about me, they would simply say.. it was
    not about you, do not worry about it and that would be that, but when they
    deliberately ignore me, time after time, and still try to keep it a secret,
    it keeps me in pain.. TRUTH WILL SET ONE FREE ..

    THAT IS WHAT I SEEK.. THAT IS WHAT I NEED.. THAT AND ONLY THAT WILL STOP MY
    PAIN.. UNDERSTAND???

    Now you want be the great person who helps bring peace and love between
    three hurting people ( me, David and Elaine ) then you read this letter to
    them. or send it to them or whatever cause my time is running out and its
    running out fast. I will not stay here in this pain anymore.. when I go
    this time.. I will go for good, no second chance, no third chance.. I will
    just be gone. I have a true , tried, and proven method with no failure
    option. I will back off from everyone on April 7, this way no one can
    convince me otherwise to stay understand??? After April 7, i will no longer be attainable, ever..

    my heart is so cold and I do not have any fear of any attempt at all.. I am
    fully capable of doing it but do not be fooled in David telling you he knows
    not what to do when he does.. I truly think he is being controlled by
    others, possibly FBI?? or who knows that they are telling him to keep quiet,
    perhaps until after my dad passes away?? I know? you will tell me like
    everyone else says, just forget it and go on, well I cant do that you see??
    there is too much hurt there for me and them, for all concerned.. its time
    this gets to a close. either it will be closed their way or my way??

    I have the guts to complete my assignment and fully prepared to go through
    with it.. THE TRUTH.. THAT IS ALL IT WILL TAKE.. GOD KNOWS IT , I KNOW IT AND THE DALTONS KNOW THAT.

    If it does not involve me, then for Christ sake tell me so I can stop
    hurting thinking my niece hurt them.. so i can stop this freeking worrying what all happened and how..

    Now if you knew without a doubt that your family member had hurt someone deeply, someone that you loved and cared for would you not want to resolve it so no one is hurting anymore? including not only you and your family but those that got hurt, or would you just be cold and forget about it and move on??

    UNDERSTAND?/ UNDERSTAND WHERE I AM COMING FROM?

    NOW IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?? IS IT???
     
  7. Kimi

    Kimi Well-Known Member

    Please don't rush..

    I have also decided the date for finishing. But I started to feel a little calmer as I won't live anymore after that day. I started to treat myself a bit until I finish every thing. Every day I really wish not waking up the next morning, but I just bear not to be hurry.

    Please don't hurt yourself so soon.
     
  8. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Hi White Dove, just wanna send a (((hug)))
    Were you talking about issues in your church? (not sure on your previous posts) can you change your church?
     
  9. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    May I email / PM you? If so, please PM me. Are you in the UK?
     
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