I wasn't feeling so bad until recently.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by caliban, Sep 29, 2011.

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  1. caliban

    caliban Active Member

    I've been getting extreme panic attacks lately. Seems as thought I'm going further down the spiral with no seeming way to escape. Let me talk about my story a bit to help me process things. 1 year ago I suffered a severe back injury which caused paralysis and severe pain in my leg. The economy is hard as it is, extremely hard to find work even if you give it your all and put your best foot forward to try and impress, let alone trying to do this when you are unemployed and in severe pain and scared because of such a horrible thing transpiring over your previously very healthy body. You can tell by my writing how anxious and scatter brained I am now. I just can't rationalize anything anymore and I feel like the worst person in the world. But I started off doing everything right. I worked hard, had a good job, had industry connections and people wanting to hire me, and that all went to hell when I injured my back. I was smart and handsome. People liked me. Girls liked me. Girls would approach me because they found me so attractive. I never had to worry basically. I lost everything when I had my injury. I went to social services because I needed the help. I thought I could actually get some help that way (big mistake). 6 months of addiction to pain medications, a failed surgery, becoming a full blown deathly alcoholic (literally trying to drink myself to death) my mom has finally kicked me out of her home. I'm 30 fucking years old. Time goes by so quickly. Worked hard in my 20's and it all went to hell at the worst possible time. I have no friends anymore. No more resources. I am literally here squatting in an abandoned building on free wi-fi waiting to die. I have nothing left anymore. The only thing keeping me from killing myself is this damn horrible anxiety i'm having. can't sit still. can't think straight. I want to make things right again but everything is such a mess now and I have no hopes. I'm trying to avoid alcohol. I just want a good life. I worked so hard for it but it all ended up in the gutter. I don't want to die but i'm tired of this suffering and constant fear. I'm so alone. So fucking sad. I've tried to kill myself in the past when I first injured my back. They found me <edit moderator total eclipse method>. I was put in the hospital but they didn't treat me or anything. nurses just called me an idiot because I tried to kill myself again in the hospital and they just released me the next day. my life is so fucking worthless. nobody loves or cares about me. i tried working hard and taking care of myself but it was all worthless. i should have killed myself long ago because it never fucking gets better. I just want to die so bad because I know deep down it's the best thing for me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad you are reaching out here hun because we do understand and i am so sorry people are not helping you. If you think you will harm you hun go to hospital okay call crisis line Keep talking here okay noone will judge you here hugs
     
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