I told him I can't continue living trying to be normal, it tears me up. I KNOW there's something wrong with me, I need to fix it or I don't know what I'll do, I don't know what I'm like or who I am anymore - all I have is invasive thoughts. He asked me how I feel. I feel volatile, that's all - I feel like something's about to snap. I decided I was going to <Mod Edit: methods> near me, but it was closed, there were fences around it and workers inside so there was very little chance of me getting past them. I'm not stupid enough to <Mod Edit, Methods> just so I can become a quadriplegic. I'm not stupid enough to think getting run over by a car will kill me at the speeds they travel here. I've tried <Mod Edit> a few times, but all I ever found were things that moved when I bent my fingers (which I assumed were tendons). I remember the nurse asking me a rhetorical question 'how deep did you cut!!?'. Are you serious? I'm hardly going to attempt to do that again when the result may simply be losing the use of one of my arms when I am a fanatical gamer. I feel so cold. My brain feels cold - I mean thermally cold. I don't know if this is relevant but a few days ago my brain just started to feel like it was cold, and it still is. I can't eat much, I'm so hungry but when I so much as smell a nacho, some cheese, it doesnt' matter, I wretch, feeling sick is horrible. So I don't eat, and I have lost a lot of weight. My chest hurts. Its been hurting all day. I'm not one to tear up but when I left the doctors I was crying in public as I was walking... but I didn't care. I don't care anymore. Everything is messed up. I'm not normal, something's wrong but when I asked the doc to help me find out what it was, he said it's not important, sometimes you just have to live with it. Well I'm telling you now I can't. I'm going to do something. Something has to change. I need to effect something. Someone needs to know how I feel and I don't know how to express it. There has to be someone similar to me. I know a lot of people get depressed, I know a lot of people have psychosis, but that's not even it - I can't do anything. I can't see the point in anything. I need to not feel this way. I asked for a change of medication, I asked to try something new, I asked what options I have in terms of that, and apparently there are none. The only thing that has helped in the past are.. lets call them alternative medicines, you know what I mean but I don't want to get in trouble. I will not do well if I'm taken somewhere. I'm going back to them, I stopped for a week but how I am right now is not something I can cope with. This isn't right, this isn't fair. I just want a job so I can live in my flat forever. I miss companionship but I can't stand to be around people so different from me. This is not right, I'm telling you how I feel is not right. Something's broken. I've been in therapy for years now and I appreciate talking to someone helps you rationalise thoughts, but I am perfectly rational right now. If someone was in physical pain, like their leg was shredded or something and they <Mod Edit> - would this be irrational? No they just want to escape the pain. It may not be the best decision if this person wanted a long life. But they aren't thinking about the future, they are thinking about now. Same scenario, but what if this persons leg had been shredded for years, in pain for years, what if they don't see an end to it. What if they went to a doctor and said 'don't bother fixing the cause, learn to live with it'. How do you think that person would feel. I spoke to the people online, they said I should talk to the samaritans. I spoke to them, they said go to your GP. My GP said, read a book by this comedian. Are you serious. ARE YOU SERIOUS. I'm a very sensitive person and a very fearful person. I want to cut myself so bad again but I have all these scars and they don't help. I wish I could cut myself and not have scars. My family don't realise I have them. Its quite funny. 'Yo I wear long sleeves cause its cool bro'. People are so gullible. I used to be gullible and impressionable, but after what I've seen on the deep web took that away from me. I want to stand on a rooftop and scream. I want everyone to know that they are so fucking different and far away. I just want people to be like me so I'm not alone. I am not a bad person. I have never stolen, I have never hit someone back (I have been hit many times by a number of different people). I feel like I'm about to die because of loneliness and pointlessness. Ok I'm going to stop writing because I've felt pretty bad before, but writing this is actually making me feel worse and I legitimately don't know what's going to happen. I'm trying to think of the future, like a minute in advance of now, I see nothing. I don't know whats going on right now. Why is this happening? I wish I knew the cause. That would be so nice. At least then I would have something to fix. Right now I'm just waiting and getting worse on this shitty medication that does nothing for me. I'm done with 'coping', whatever 'coping' is supposed to mean. I don't know, I'm going to self medicate. This seems like the best option right now seeing as no one else will help me with it. I can't go on just talking to people. Something needs to change.