I will change my life for the better in 2012, or end it in 2013.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sam3039, Feb 11, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Sam3039

    Sam3039 Member

    As the title says, I have made a plan.

    I'm not simply posting this for the hell of it. It's quite nice to have somewhere to vent. A way to get things straight in my head. Basically I have felt depressed for well over five years. I couldn't say exactly how long. I have never been diagnosed with anything properly, because I am concerned for my job and I don't want to make what could potentially be the last year of my life any harder by worrying about my job (i am a medical professional in the navy).

    I know the mental health teams, I know how they work and strongly believe they will not be able to help me. I have approached them carefully in the past, but have not had a positive experience with them, if anything I've felt a little patronized. The bottom line is, I have tried self help, I have tried professional help. It hasn't worked.

    For a long time I have felt like suicide is the only real option and the only reason I have not gone ahead with it, is because I have not wanted to hurt my family. The trouble is that I think they are already worried about me, but I have become very irritable and we have recently had a small falling out. I haven't spoken to them in a few weeks now and it simply proves that they would be better off without me in their lives.

    I have made a decision to improve my life. I will do everything I can to make a significant and positive change in my life this year. I don't care if it's that I make a significant improvement to my fitness (not that I'm unfit at all), or if I learn to play a new instrument. I could learn a new professional skill, or get a girlfriend. So long as it's significant and positive, I don't care.

    If I don't succeed, I have decided that I will end my life in 2013. I have one year and no more, because I have delayed this for too long. If I can't change my life in one year, I will never be able to.

    I honestly think that if I go on the way I am, I will simply cause more problems for the people around me, but now I feel a little better.

    Hopefully it won't come to that.

  2. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    It won't come to a chosen death...

    You answer is already in your post...

    - venting gets your head straight....it's self-healing....what you need is to figure out why you need to keep venting...what is the source...but the venting is part of healing...good! :)

    - you're depressed but not diagnosed....who can know better than you? What is depressed? What part of you is depressed? Your pinky finger? :) Your mind is depressed, right? It's having a hard time controlling life. "Letting go" means to let go of your ideas of how life is supposed to be...you think that letting go of life is the solution but life is fine...it's the ideas that are the problem....life isn't logic, right? That you have a "plan" is to think that you have control...let go...

    - you know the MHP's don't help....good...they are just trying to put new ideas in your head but don't speak to your experiences, right? Refer to the "venting" realization....being yourself feels good...trying to live according to an idea doesn't feel good....you're doing great!

    - you say that suicide is the only real option, but that's assuming that your mind can know all, but if it knew all, you would know the art of living instead of wanting to die. Your mind doesn't know but others do know the art and can point to that inside you which is false so that you can stop trying to make the impossible come true. You can solve this puzzle but not alone.

    - that they haven't spoken to because they don't want you is a guess....ask them for the answer...the guessing then reacting to the guess like it is truth is a huge part of this situation. Whatever you don't know, ask. Assuming is driving you to your death...no, please don't assume...

    - Yes, find something new to learn that you're interested in...that is one of the beauties in life...so many possibilities! First health for the body...that's job one....then with a happy body, the soul can play in this garden of eden. :) That it doesn't seem like a garden is because everyone is imposing their ideas on themselves and everyone around them including you. You don't have to live this way...and this is exactly why you don't want to live.

    - The idea of dying makes you happy because you can imagine this struggle being over. The thought of dying is drug, a morphine. Keep repeating that idea, and you become a suicide junkie, taking hits of the suicide pipe but one day you will find that the idea no longer gets you the high, that to do it is the only way to feel the relief....and it's not necessary at all.....the way to win this mind game is to stop living in the ideas of your mind and start living from your heart, at all costs.

    It's in your nature to live....when you hungry, you search for food...when you're scared, you search for safety....when you're thirsty, you search for water....and when your body is happy, you search for love.....right??????

    "Aloneness is the joy of being just yourself. It is being joyous with yourself, it is enjoying your own company. There are very few people who enjoy their own company. And it is a very strange world: nobody enjoys his company and everybody wants others to enjoy his company! If they don't enjoy he feels insulted -- and alone he feels disgusted with himself. In fact, if YOU cannot enjoy your own company, who else is going to enjoy it?" Osho
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2012
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.