I Will End This Life, I Just Don't Want to Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JDW, Dec 16, 2012.

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  1. JDW

    JDW New Member

    I will start out by saying, I have no intentions of physically ending this life. I want to end it, move on and cut ties to everyone I knew in the past. Sorry for the long post, I'll make it easier to read by separating the question from the boring story.

    • I have been suicidal for about a year now. Almost everyday I think about it. Just today I was thinking of how I was going to do it, I can't drive down the road without thinking of ways <mod edit - methods> end it.
      It scares me. I am sick of it. It makes me feel like a giant hole is literally sitting in my chest and it is sucking everything positive into it and destroying it.

      My whole family disowned me when my parents divorced. They are all insane. There isn't more than that, for that small reason they literally hate seeing me. Insult me and spread rumors about me. As a result all of my old friends think I am volatile and angry all the time - that is what my family told them. They don't want anything to do with me. I grew up with a girl who liked me for 10 years. I was always nice to her, after the divorce and me moving out of state, she doesn't reply to my messages she doesn't talk.

      My dad is a jerk, I live with my mom and have to deal with her boyfriends, I hate that; they aren't abusive like my dad - I just hate seeing my mom out there while I'm stuck being a freaking loser. My brothers drive me crazy and my friends have dropped out of school. When they were here all they talked about were how suicidal they were, or how much they would drink and get high off of every illegal drug you can name. Hard ones too. My best friend, the girl from my old town, isn't there anymore and all my "new" friends have gone. I hated being with them. I haven't ever had a girlfriend. I'm a senior in high school.
    Now for the question: :dry: sorry for the essay.

    I want to feel like I have roots somewhere. I've moved 9 times and it looks like in the next year I will hit the reset button again. I will start college, but I just can't stay in my house anymore.
    How do you keep suicidal thoughts out of your mind every day? It is something of a routine now. I can't go through the day without it, its a habit. It always hits when I get happy. I can't have a good moment without it ruining it. I can't develop friends because I know that in a few months they will be gone. I miss my old life. I miss that girl that I grew up with, I miss my family. They are still here, but they live hundreds of miles away and they hate me. For no reason. I am full of anger.

    Should I try and repair the crap thrown on me from my family? Or should I say screw them, and move off on my own and try to restart again? I don't want to drag this on anymore I have to change something. I've been legitimately scared I will kill myself more than once, and I have a plan, the only thing keeping me from going is the idea that somehow it can get better. What do you do in a situation like this? Sorry if it seems stupid, I'm not looking for attention or sympathy I just need want advice. It is seriously jacked up that I would ask some random strangers for help because my friends and family wouldn't listen.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2012
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    The situation and the moving have naturally been difficult - it would be strange not to feel uprooted and a little lost at losing all friends and connections in such a situation.

    In response to your questing - I have no answers - the answers that are right for you are impossible foe me to decide - that is on you. That being said - if you are in a toxic environment with your family my advice would be to remove yourself from that situation. I was in a difficult situation and upon graduating from high school - and the fact is I did not even wait for the graduation ceremony and never really looked back not maintained contact with family - as soon as I had completed classes and exams I left. That is on the extreme side for most but go away for college and separating your self from day to day dealings with family may be an excellent idea for you to consider- set up roots and mae friends there and you can have four years or so of relative normalcy. My daughters that are in college work part time jobs during the school year at college and full time over the summer as waitresses simply so they can have their own apartments as opposed to staying in dorms; that is without family issues but simply a choice to begin their adult lives. If you are in the US then you can take out education loans to pay for not only college but for a large part of living expenses while at college- I am unsure or other countries policies. If you do that you will likely need to maintain some contact with on somewhat amicable terms to get financials from them to apply for aid and loans so some contact is required but you can control that to some extent.

    I hope you can find answers that work for you but in the end my advice is if you are in a situation that is bad for you and causing suicidal thoughts the best course of action is to be proactive and distance yourself from that situation at the earliest reasonable opportunity.

    Take Care and Be Safe

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