I will start out by saying, I have no intentions of physically ending this life. I want to end it, move on and cut ties to everyone I knew in the past. Sorry for the long post, I'll make it easier to read by separating the question from the boring story. I have been suicidal for about a year now. Almost everyday I think about it. Just today I was thinking of how I was going to do it, I can't drive down the road without thinking of ways <mod edit - methods> end it. It scares me. I am sick of it. It makes me feel like a giant hole is literally sitting in my chest and it is sucking everything positive into it and destroying it. My whole family disowned me when my parents divorced. They are all insane. There isn't more than that, for that small reason they literally hate seeing me. Insult me and spread rumors about me. As a result all of my old friends think I am volatile and angry all the time - that is what my family told them. They don't want anything to do with me. I grew up with a girl who liked me for 10 years. I was always nice to her, after the divorce and me moving out of state, she doesn't reply to my messages she doesn't talk. My dad is a jerk, I live with my mom and have to deal with her boyfriends, I hate that; they aren't abusive like my dad - I just hate seeing my mom out there while I'm stuck being a freaking loser. My brothers drive me crazy and my friends have dropped out of school. When they were here all they talked about were how suicidal they were, or how much they would drink and get high off of every illegal drug you can name. Hard ones too. My best friend, the girl from my old town, isn't there anymore and all my "new" friends have gone. I hated being with them. I haven't ever had a girlfriend. I'm a senior in high school. Now for the question: :dry: sorry for the essay. I want to feel like I have roots somewhere. I've moved 9 times and it looks like in the next year I will hit the reset button again. I will start college, but I just can't stay in my house anymore. How do you keep suicidal thoughts out of your mind every day? It is something of a routine now. I can't go through the day without it, its a habit. It always hits when I get happy. I can't have a good moment without it ruining it. I can't develop friends because I know that in a few months they will be gone. I miss my old life. I miss that girl that I grew up with, I miss my family. They are still here, but they live hundreds of miles away and they hate me. For no reason. I am full of anger. Should I try and repair the crap thrown on me from my family? Or should I say screw them, and move off on my own and try to restart again? I don't want to drag this on anymore I have to change something. I've been legitimately scared I will kill myself more than once, and I have a plan, the only thing keeping me from going is the idea that somehow it can get better. What do you do in a situation like this? Sorry if it seems stupid, I'm not looking for attention or sympathy I just need want advice. It is seriously jacked up that I would ask some random strangers for help because my friends and family wouldn't listen.