I will if I'm left alone...or maybe the opposite

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Samsara, Jun 5, 2009.

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  1. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    I'm in a confusing state right now. There is only one thing that's certain, and that's that I want to leave this world behind. I feel nothing but pain and resentments and anger, and any love I have to give is refused at everyturn. That's all I really want is the opportunity to freely give love to another person, and maybe, just maybe, they will love me in return.

    MY mother resents me. She wishes I was never born, that way she wouldn't have any reason to stay in the situation she is in now, she could move in with her friend and they could be bachlorettes again.

    My father resents me, although it's not as much of a blow, since he's an alcoholic. He just wants to be left alone so he can drink himself to death, completely drained.

    My brother is the lucky one. He already killed himself. He's the only person I've ever really looked up to. Not the only one I take cues from; I always let people push me around (fuck you, pot commercials) But he was smart enough to leave for a better place, maybe I should, too, so I can be with him again. People may miss me, but it will be fleeting. I never meant a whole lot to anybody. I just graduated anyway, so it's the perfect time. People are forgetting about their old lives, and I havn't started a new one yet.

    I still maintain some hope...but it's mostly overshadowed by despair and rage. If I'm left alone long enough I will die...but maybe the reason I want to die is my exposure to people. People drain me, they make me feel cursed. I can't find comfort in myself anymore. I've held on for too long, but even the mightiest soldier must rest. But I can't rest because my battle is to live day by day.

    I always feel like a fool for my reasons for wanting to die. They are never a very big deal. I'm just weak. So I suppose this is just a weaklings cry for help. I just want someone to reach out for me. It's pathetic, cuz I'm supposed to be a big strong man, but what I want right now is to be comforted. I'm such a fucking ****. I want to lay down next to somebody who wouldn't fucking be afraid of me, and cuddle with her without her being revolted. I don't deserve to live. I wonder if I could find any luck in the gay community? I'm xxx anyway, might as well suck cock like one. I'm sorry to anybody who's gay on this forum, I honestly have no problem with it, unless I am. I love gay people, and I can honestly say I'm not gay...but I have skewed persepectives on life, and I'm full of selfloathing. I can convince myself into believing things that I consciously know aren't true.

    For example. I just became involved with a girl, and she is madly in love with me. But I still convince myself that she is lieing, even tho that makes zero sense.

    I'm done, I'm drained. I just don't want to be alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2009
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I find that if I can recognize something I like about myself and act of the/those attributes, I feel less lonely...and about crying, cuddling. etc. I do not think comfort and intimacy is gender-specific...we all want to be held; some cannot access that part of themselves...some fear the connection...but deep down, we all want to be accepted in this way...big hugs, J
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