i will never be enough

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, Jan 15, 2008.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I will never be good enough. Nothing I ever do will be satisfactory. There is always something, even if I did it perfectly, there will be something wrong. I almost burst into tears today. I just feel like if I can't be good enough for anyone what's the point of carrying on.

    I got the screaming in the ear that he can't afford shit anymore, he's going to have to charge room and board and I said fine, do it. I told him so many times that if he needed money to tell me and I'd help. The funny thing is, he just redid three rooms in the house, just bought a new dining set even though the table and chairs we have are fine. YET, he has no money. Well, stop spending it on shit we don't need.

    Then there's HER. She moved in so they could "help" each other out with bills and she hasn't helped one bit. Hasn't paid one single fuckin' bill, yet nothing I do is good enough. I brought him to the hospital, sat there for 6 hours worried, came home and did everything he said. He was in pain I brought him ice, medicine, his crutches, etc. I went and bought him food, made him food, ran his errands but I will never be perfect. I am not angry at him nor do I feel any hatred. I feel sad. I feel lost. I feel empty. How much more do I have to do to make it good enough? How much more do I need to cry, to bleed, to hurt, to ache to meet his ideals of perfection?

    I know I fucked up my life. I know I'm going nowhere but it's getting to the point now that I don't even want to fight for any of it. I would rather lie down and die. I'm so stressed out and so tired, I feel like I'm being split down the middle. Constant headaches, backaches, panic attacks. I can't do it anymore, I just can't!

    I will never be enough for anyone and it breaks my heart in two
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Stop trying so hard to be perfect by everyone elses standards. You're perfect just being who you really are. Just being for YOU!:hug:
     
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: Kewwy. Have you tried telling your dad that she isn't paying for anything? Or rather, isn't helping him out around the house, especially after his surgery?
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It's cold comfort but I bet half of that tirade was pain, he's getting ratty from it I bet. doesn't make it any easier to take tho. :hug:
     
  5. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    its not the pain terry. he wants to go back to work. it's the fact that he doesnt have money but he buys wasteful things. It's irritating. Did you know I got in trouble today for taking a 10 minute shower instead of a 5 minute one? How am I supposed to shower and shave in 5 minutes? :blink: They moved in and now it's all nazi this and nazi that..b/c of her
     
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Plots Edies' demise :dry:

    Perhaps a straight out no holds barred conversation with dad is on the cards. This is ridiculous, does she stand there with a stop watch? :mad: