I will never forgive myself

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by I Miss You, Mar 16, 2007.

  1. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    on the moring of august 12,1989.i woke up and called my best friend Diana.a family member told me she was dead.i didnt think anything of it a first so i went back to bed

    Later that night i took a shower.as i was washing my hair.i got this horrible feeling that something was wrongwhen i got out.i heard the phone ring...It was Diana's father.he told me that he came home that evening and found his 18 year old daughter hanging from a noose in the garage.i was on the phone with him for 45 min.i couldn't stop crying.my best friend was dead.

    i will NEVER forgive myself for what happened.its my FAULT that she is dead...

    she is dead because of me.i would give up my life in one second just to have her here for one day.....:sad:

    i just cant take it anymore.i dont want to live another day without her
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I know that we don't get along for the most part but I felt compelled to answer this. Listen:

    What she did was not your fault. When someone is in so much pain that they feel the only way to solve it is to end their life they don't think about much other than that, ending it. I don't think she'd want you living your life like this. Not that i'm a strong believer in God and everything that follows but if she is looking down on you she wouldn't want you living your life like this, blaming yourself, hating yourself for her choices. She would want the best for you, would want you to be happy, and would want you to move on. I'm sure that she wouldn't want you to be filled with such blame that you yourself feel the need to go down the same route. Be happy that even though she's gone, she's not suffering anymore, not that I agree with the ways he went about it at all. Just know that she does love you and I'm sure she regrets how much sadness she has caused you. Best of luck.

  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    It isn't your fault hun. When someone makes there mind up they are going to kill themself.. there's honestly nothing you can do... in the end you can't stop someone and it's their decision. You didn't tell her to kill herself, you didn't hurt her or kill her... hense it's not your fault.

    I know what it's like to lose someone, and wish it was you. I know what it's like also to blame yourself fr anything that happens, you feel it inside that it's your fault, but when you look back and think, it's really not logical that it's our faults. It's hard though. I still blame myself for the abuse and treatment I got from my husband, and I never talked back to him, did what he wanted.. he controlled everything... I didn't nothing but take care of him... but yet I still feel I am bad and it's my fault my marriage is over, but it isn't. And it isn't your fault that she died.

    Diana wouldn't want you to do this to yourself, she wouldn't want you to hate yourself and blame yourself for this. You say I am a lot like her, I know if I committed suicide I wouldn't want you to blame yourself, and no one who cares for the other person would want that. :hug:

    Hang in there hun, i'm here for you. :) :hug:


    --All my love,
  4. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    I Miss You - There is absolutely no link between her death. Your guilt is irrational. You simply feel it because it's the only way you can justify her passing. None of what happened is your fault. Ultimately, it was SHE who made the decision. And there is no stopping somebody who was as determined as she.
    All that remains now: Keep her in memory, but don't let her obsess you. It WILL drive you mad. Don't be afraid to let go.
  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    TRUE!!!!!!!!! Listen to us hun! :hug: :(
  6. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    i know.but its my fault.her anniversary is in August and i dont think i am goning to make it betwwen now and then....:sad:

    i dont want to go through another one alone...:sad:

    mabye you would be better of if i wasnt here anymore.im not worth the effort
  7. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Sorry, but I have to dissagree. :eek:hmy: :sad:
  8. Zueri

    Zueri Well-Known Member

    I Miss You - YOU HAD NO CONTROL! None of this was your fault. Think about Diana...Would she have wanted you to be like this? EVERYTHING lies in your own hands...You can change if you want to. Yet I sense reluctance in you...Give it up and live life to its fullest!

    But of course my words always fall on deaf ears...
  9. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    i miss her more than you can imagine.what did i do that was so wrong that she had to leave me....?...:sad:
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Wasn't you that she was leaving, she was in a bad state of mind and probablt felt trapped in pain. But I really doubt she killed herself just because she was mad at you. It's not your fault, no matter how many times you like to yourself by saying that it's still not true.
  11. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    i want to join her so BAD right now.i just cant fight it anymore.....:sad:
  12. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You can fight it hun. You have before. I know how hard it is. Keep talking to your friends, keep posting. Strength can be found in numbers. Remeber we are all in this together. :hug:
  13. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    im not worth it.i have struggled all of these years .but i just cant fight the urge anymorei let her down in so many ways...(do you see what an awful and horrible person i am.ii dont think i can hold on till Aug.i will probably be dead before then.its over for me.
  14. Crimson_Remorse

    Crimson_Remorse Active Member

    No, I don't see what an aweful or horrible person you are! You know what a caring, sensitive guy I think you are. And you know how strong I know you are. As Carolyn and others have said, Diana made a decision - it wasn't your decision, and it isn't your fault. You've stuck by me and I know you would have done everything possible for her, but you feel this desperation. And she must have known it, too, or else she wouldn't have made the decision to leave the world. She didn't want to leave you, she wanted to leave all the pain she was feeling. I'm sure that having you around as her friend gave Diana many good memories before she left this world, and you maybe even kept her here for longer than she would have stayed without you. I know it is hard, but please stop blaming yourself for Diana's death and start crediting yourself for the good times you gave her in a sad life.

    I'm sorry to have rambled..I hope that all made sense.

    Please take care.
  15. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    thanks michelle.i really needed to hear that.but i miss her too much.when August rolls around i probaly wont be here.....:sad:

    you mean a lot to me michelle.but at this point its hopeless.i have tried to hang on...but i just CANT.everday i have to fight the urge to die.i just cant fight it anymore:sad:
  16. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I miss you--

    It is hard for me to want to live without my son!! I hang onto a small piece of hope.

    You can hold on. we are trying, you MUST try. Please stop only looking at it one way. When we are in crying pain depression, we cannot see out into the light. There are other ways to see it now.

    You are sitting here missing her.....that is normal to be grieving, hurting and in pain everyday.
    Do you think she would want to come back and be with you again?
    Maybe she thinks she made a mistake and does not want you to blame yourself?

    Please stay safe!!! :eek:hmy: :sad:
  17. BrooklynRider

    BrooklynRider Well-Known Member

    Hey Buddy-

    Suicide is a desperate act. This had so little to do with what you could have done or should have done. It was about Diana seeing no way out.

    I hope you step back and recognize how hurt you are. I doubt you'll admit it, but I bet you have a lot of pent up anger too. I mean, look, how could she do this to you? People don't understand the impact suicide has on friends, family and loved ones.

    It is a shocking, sad and horrible act that those left behind must clean-up and rationalize. It might not help, but Buddha says, "No one dies one minute before or one minute after they are supposed to." It was her time. It was a horrific way to go.

    As you talk about wanting to die and kill yourself, give a thought. Who's going to be left in the situation you now find yourself in? Who's going to feel responsible for not "helping" you? Who is going to want to die for failing you? It's a really tragic and maddening pattern you would perpetuate.

    I chatted with you. You are a kind, caring, friendly guy. I know, and I think you know, you are not capable of hurting another person. You didn't do this to Diana. However, you are tormenting yourself and making yourself miesrable. That is a choice you are making.

    The one thig we do have in life is choices. We can make ones that serve us or ones that hurt us. You are worthy of happiness. Make choices that serve that goal.


  18. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    wow!..i dont know what to say to that
  19. BrooklynRider

    BrooklynRider Well-Known Member

    Sometimes it is best when we say nothing and just feel. I sense a lot of your desperation and frustration is an inability to simply be with the sadness and hurt. Totally understandable. I might be wrong, but it seems you expressed your immediate grief in the situation but have yet to mourn the loss. Mourning is an open-ended process. If you open to it, it will come over you in waves. Tidal waves at first and eventually down to ripples.

    Peace, bro.
  20. I Miss You

    I Miss You Guest

    i just miss her so much......:sad: