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I will not survive this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by donnaDONNA, Feb 16, 2008.

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  1. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    One of the people that I loved most in the world has died. I am not very strong and I don't think that I am going to survive this. I have no interest inthe future. I have no romantic relationship and no prospect of one. I have allowed myself to be used as an always-available free source of casual sex by a manipulative uncaring man for over a year. I am an idiot. I have fulfilled none of my dreams. I have drifted through my life aimlessly. I'm not good at anything I do. I probably won't be asked back to my current job when my contract is over. I am about $50,000 in debt. My sisters and my mother would lbe hurt by my passing, but I don't think I will be able to bear the pain much longer. I have wasted my life up to this point and I can't see how it can improve. I'm not strong or smart and no man wants me for anything but sex. I'm a fuck up.
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Hi Donna! The key to relationships is that people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you don't take any shit and demand more, then the scumbags won't waste their time and the good guys will come to you because that's the kind of girl a good man looks for.

    Your past is your past. The only thing you can do now is move on and forget about it.

    Debt sucks, but it's not worth ending your life over. You can talk to a financial advisor, consolidate, etc. There are programs that can help you.

    Re: your job, well, if you are not asked to stay, then you can still get another job and just promise yourself to do better this time.

    Your family will be devastated if you kill yourself and they will never get over it.

    Just wake up every day and be the person you want to be and your life will change for the better.

    Take care :)
  3. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I don't know how long ago it was that this happened, but I know from experience that it can take a long time to get over the loss of a loved one. You will never forget, but the pain will grow less with time and the good things about them will remain in your heart.

    Please try and find somebody who will respect you for who you are and not for what they can get out of you. I'm sure that your a lovely person with a lot to offer the right partner.

    I hear you say that you've not fulfilled any of your dreams, sometimes our dreams can be unrealistic and we need to set our goals at a realistic level... so that when we atain them, it gives us a sense of confidence to move forward and not feel like a failure.
  4. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I have decided to go ahead and kill myself. It's all I think about. I know how I'm going to do it, and when. If I wait until the end of June, I can save enough money to pay for the funeral expenses, so it won't be a financial burden on my family. I'm not sure where to do it, because I don't want to risk a child finding me. But I would like to just take sleeping pills by the edge of the lake. I read the reports about Heath Ledger, and it seems as if with sleeping pills there's no mess, so it would be less traumatic for whoever finds me. I want to prepare my family, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
  5. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I would prefer to make it look like an accident, but I can't figure out how to do that and make sure that it works, and that doesn't involve anyone else. So I think that the kindest thing is to try to prepare my family.
  6. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to be of much help, but I rather think the kindest thing would be keeping on living
  7. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I have fought depression for so long and I'm just tired. I have done therapy and medication and I just don't want to live anymore. Maybe some people just aren't strong enough.
  8. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I don't want to hurt my family, but I have to have some control. I have failed at everything in my life. In many ways, they would be better without me, because then they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.
  9. Zodi

    Zodi Anitiquities Friend

    Hugs to you.

    My whole life has been a failure and I just don't have the energy to try anymore.
  10. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    zodi you're not supposed to encourage her, DonnaDonna... my idea may sound very weird but try to take some shrooms and see if you still wan to die, i heard some ppl get all spiritual and all after they take them, like ppl who get near death experience. that should sheer you up!( if it works...) o well just me promoting illegal activities on this community.:tongue:. Like most ppl here have told you, if you really don't want to bother your family you should stay alive. Hangon and take her
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2008
  11. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Hi Donna. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with.

    How about opening up to your family and talking with them honestly about it? Your mum and sisters sound caring. I am sure they would be devastated and desperate to help, maybe having a big cry and hug together is the best thing that could happen.
  12. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    You say "I don't want to hurt my family" but do you not realise that your death will do just that, it will leave them devastated.

    I understand you wanting some control over your life, but death is not control, it is giving up control whatever that means, for few of us really have any real control but are bufferted about by life.

    "I have failed at everything in my life" Have you? Or are your's and others expectations set too high, it is so easy to judge ourselves on how we see others; one small thing that we do is a success, even if that means just getting up in the morning or even just staying alive for just one more day.
    Sometimes that is all we can do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 20, 2008
  13. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I have bounced around from one stupid career idea to another all my life. Now I'm about to bounce again. I'm not qualified to do anything. I start things and a never finish them. I'm going to be 45 this year, and I have accomplished nothing and now I'm starting over again. I'm a loser. I wish I had never been born. I think maybe depression is like cancer. You can keep fighting it, but eventually it is going to kill you. If I had a terminal disease, my family would be sad, but they would have to accept that I was going to lose the fight eventually. I wish that I could explain suicide to them like that.
  14. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I loved my nephew more than anything in the world for twenty years. He was the main reason that I always fought my depression. Now he's gone, and I have only pain, and the person who gave me a reason to live is gone.
  15. New-Hope

    New-Hope Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through Donna, I know what it's like to lose a loved one - my grandad passed away just the other day...

    Try to hang in there Donna. There's always a chance that things could turn around for the better - it really helps to just set yourself a target of making it through the next 24 hours.

  16. Please believe me when I tell you that sleeping pills are NOT a foolproof way to die. In fact, they fail most of the time and then you just end up in hospital, where things REALLY suck. If you are locked up in hospital, you can't look for a new job, go on a date with someone who might turn out to be a nice guy, or get a burger in a drive-thru or eat a snack when you want, etc. etc. Trying to kill yourself will only make things worse.

    I'm so sorry you lost your nephew. Loss is one of the hardest things for me to deal with right now too and it's the worst because you can't do anything about it, you can't argue with it, and you can't change it. I wish I could tell you how to live with it. I wish we had those futuristic clinics you see in the movies where they could erase memories and parts of your brain you didn't like :smile:

    Please hang in there for just a little while longer. If it makes you feel better to save money for your funeral then do it but maybe you will turn a corner before you have enough saved and find that money is better spent on going on with your life. And stop seeing that guy! And any other guy who isn't treating you like a complete princess and makes you feel great about yourself!
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2008
  17. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    I can tell you from being a family member of someone who took their own life that it will be absolutely devastating - much more so than if you went to them for help. Suicide is final, and no matter how much "prep" your family for it they still will not understand. They will not feel relief you are gone - it will only bring grief.

    Family is there for a reason, please use them to help you. If not them then reach out to some one here, or find a good counselor. I think you still have much to live for and I hate the thought of you giving it up...

    If you feel your past is a mistake, then try to learn from it and make changes moving forward. It is not impossible to move forward, just take small steps... and realize every one makes mistakes.

    I bet for every guy you meet who wants only sex, there are 2-3 others that want a girl who they get in a relationship with. Maybe just need to change the places you look?
  18. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I really don't want to hurt my family but I just can't bear the thought of the future. I need to find a way to do it so that it looks like an accident. I was thinking of just walking into the sea and letting myself drown. The only problem with that is that if they don't find me for awhile, then my family has to go through the trauma of trying to find me. I also don't want them to have the expense of having to fly my body home. I hate myself so much and I just can't face another day. I don't think I can wait until June.
  19. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I just need to go ahead and do this. I don't think I can get through another day.
  20. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    donnaDONNA, don't do it.
    there are supports out there for this exact moment - reach out to one of them? suicide help line, or counsellor or even your family doctor?

    i do believe that you when you say your pain is overwhelming, and in the middle of this pain it can be hard to see other solutions. but they are there. another day you can do the hard work necessary to see those other options; but for now, get somewhere safe. if you are scared you will attempt call the crisis line or go to the emergency room, let them keep you safe until you are ready to live again.

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