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I will try to be brief

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Guestor, Feb 18, 2015.

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  1. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    I have no friends anymore. I have no intention of pursuing university studies or working.

    My family is emotionally detached from me. Not intentionally, but they are too busy with work. I still live with them.

    I have many anxiety issues. Horrible moments from the past torture me daily, in my head. Sometimes I am the torturer of others. Nobody knows about it.

    I have trouble leaving home. In fact, most of my latter years have been spent at home.

    My life is dull. I find it hard to relate myselfs to other people or even animals. I am beginning to hate almost the entire world.

    I am already dead. My body has just not caught up yet. I am too cowardly to remedy this.
  2. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Are you me???

    I could've written that word-for-word, accept for where you wrote your family is emotionally detached from you unintentionally; my family is/has INTENTIONALLY detached themselves from me.

    I'm sorry, I have no advice for you, because I'm in the same boat pretty much.

    Do you see a doctor?

    I hope things improve for you/us somehow...

    Sorry if that was no help to you.
  3. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    There is probably one more difference I forgot to mention - I am asexual. This means that I will never try to reproduce, since I lack sexual attraction.

    Sad thing your family is doing. I hope they understand they are not, in fact, acting like family right now.
    Eh, no worries.
    Currently, no. In the past I went to three (two psychologists and one psychiatrist) but they could not see what was wrong with me, so it all ended up "OK, he is fine".
    Thank you. Same here.
    It was still good to get a reply.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    Take it from me, the more you quit leaving the house the worse the problem will get, I spent years isolated from the world, it was hell.
    I think you should go back to the professionals and get help before your situation/feelings get worse.
    Just wanted you to know I read your post and care.
  5. when

    when Member

    I can relate. Even when I try to the best of my abilities to improve it seems I'm constantly going to dead ends.
  6. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    Too late, it has been years now.

    And the last time I tried to take a walk around the neighbourhood it ended up with random strangers asking me for directions resulting in rather awkward after-moments.
    If only it were that easy...
    Even if you do not mean it beyond the text... Appreciated.
    Indeed, that is what happened when I tried to familirize myself with the neigbourhood a little. Or that other time I tried doing sports and martial arts.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi guestor,

    I would not have replied if I did not care. I spent 4-5 years in home not going out at all. It is never too late, it's really not. Anxiety still creeps up on me sometimes and I feel I can't go out but I do anyway 'cos I don't want to go back to my old ways. Yes of course it is easier said than done, I never thought I'd leave the house again but I did. Just please keep trying. As they say if you are going through hell keep going.
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I find that detachment is a good thing personally. I am not sure exactly how to help you. I find that being around those who depress you makes things worse. It might help to get out on your own.
  9. VLSI

    VLSI Member

    This is exactly what I'm going through, except in my case I can't afford mental help and neither can my family. I haven't had an opportunity to get help. My anxiety makes it extremely difficult to relate to people. Less isolation has helped a little.
  10. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    I am sorry if I came out as lashing out at you.

    I just do not believe you can care about someone you do not know. You can emphatize, however.
    I still live with them. Them being detached from me means I have nobody to converse with.
    Of course.
    I tried. But the question arises: Where to go? There are no parks nearby and I am not good at socializing. Also, places that require socializing (i.e.: Clubs, etc.) are not to my liking.

    I could take a walk through the neighbourhood. But there is always the chance that some random stranger comes up to my and asks an awkward question I do not know how to answer. Believe me, it has happened before.
    I do not know what to do anymore. Going out leads me nowhere. Staying home leads me nowhere. Every. Single. Action. Leads me nowhere.

    At this point it is not a matter of suiciding or not, it is a matter of finding a method that minimizes pain as much as possible.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    No need to be sorry at all. I guess I just felt that I could relate so much(not many people understand what it's like to be totally isolated from the world) and wanted to give you some hope. I hope you will stick around this forum as it's been a godsend for me. Good luck battling your struggles :hug:
  12. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    LOL...even that is not all that different. I'm an abstinent homosexual, so I have no intention to reproduce either. I don't know, I might be asexual as well, who knows (or really cares) plays little part of my depression/loneliness/sadness.

    Its OK, I don't fret over the loss of family - they were self-absorbed and I don't miss them at all; seriously.

    I think we are going to have to find a way to love ourselves or something, but I hope you stay and talk to us, and agree with Petal, you/we should try a doctor again. Just because we have had be experiences with doctors in that past shouldn't cause us to "give up"
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2015
  13. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    I understand. It is just that I find it so easy to write a post on a forum - specially one such as this one - that compared to talking to anyone in real life the feelings do not feel real, even if the intentions are.
    Well in my case it was part of what led to thinking about suicide from an earlier age. At the time I could not relate at all to my classmates because, while they were either females interested in males or males interested in females (and trust me - that was almost all of what they talked about) I had not such interests. As a result, as soon as the topics came up and everyone started talking about it I was effectively cut off. I could fake interest and I sometimes did, but that is not how you make friendships. Not true friendships at least.
    The issue I have with mine is that they demand that I do this or that, but they never actually try to understand me or help. Neither of them believe that I am asexual, and they just want me to study something to make money or just get a job and make money.

    Money is of no interest to me. Specially after all that I have read.
    It is not that I gave up; it is that I can longer afford to go to one (I am now legally an adult - 22 - so insurance no longer covers it and I think I already mentioned that I do not have a job).

    So far I am alone. I have been expecting for a long time for things to change, but by themselves they rarely change and I do not have the willpower to change them anymore.

    I appreciate the empathy however.
  14. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    having faced similar things in past
    i must add that the last thing that keeps one alive is instinct
    and it feels like just existing until you open up to possibility you aren t alone in a lot of your problems and relate to others
    for we aren t the people we knew at school
    and people are maturer

    so say miller said he s homosexual but in same position, you came off as shutting him out just bc his whole situation doesn t fit yours. we must find small things

    and so in life as well as relationships
    if this is not the case then to improve still start with the small
    small things lead to bigger
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 22, 2015
  15. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    For those who want to try going out but don't want social interactions, try coffee shops or even more anonymous, cafes within stores - ie department store coffee stops, grocery stores coffee stops, target, whole foods etc. It's a small break.
  16. Guestor

    Guestor Member

    Actually, I came off a lot worse than when I got in. My anxiety - which I started getting around that time - does not prevent me from ignoring the past, it regularly rubs it in and I have no other option than to get angry at things I cannot change. And even if I ignore it, it is a bad moment I cannot do anything about.
    Small things do not lead to bigger ones. A colony of ants is nothing without it's queen. Squash it and the entire colony is as good as done. Conversely, no matter how many worker ants you kill if you do not get the root of the problem (i.e.: The queen) you will not affect the colony significantly.

    That is why I explained that when I tried to change my situation it blew up on my face. Perhaps not spectacularly, but certainly unceremoniously.
    I do not have money. Besides, such a public place would make me uncomfortable. Something stupid could happen and attention be drawn to me.


    I know everyone is trying to help but I am not sure this is exactly helping me. And no, I do not know "what" would help me.
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