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I wish dying were easy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LynnD, Feb 20, 2013.

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  1. LynnD

    LynnD Well-Known Member

    I wish it would be easy for me to die. My life has been nothing but a fuck up, I have a criminal record due to a shoplifting charge (I stole three cans of soda), plus other personal legal stuff in my life which make it hard for me to just get a job. I have tried University, found that too difficult, and quit after trying a couple of semesters since I was not doing well. I would be studying everyday and doing the assignments, but found the end result always to be poor: In the 50s or low 60s.

    Then, I went to college. I had been finding some courses at my college difficult to do (and could not find a tutor for one of them) and we had midterm exams this week. I decided to bring in some cheat notes, since I did not care if I got kicked out or not, I wanted to get caught and then kicked out, since the punishment is usually being kicked out if you are caught doing something like that. This invigulator caught me with the notes, and took the notes, and the exam, from me. This happened at 9:10 a.m. At 3:30 p.m. I met with the head of the college, who told me that I was forbidden to go back to the college until May of this year because of what I did. I told mom, who screamed at me in the car on the way home, and in the house as well, calling me a "deceitful,manipulative,lying,cheating bitch" and how I'm "nothing but a monster" and how I have not brought any pleasure into her life at all, the only thing that I bring into her life is trauma, grief, and heartache. I try to be good but just end up being bad, sometimes the badness is just impulsive. This time was planned because I wanted to leave the college, and I talked to mom about leaving the college a few weeks ago but decided to stay, but the stress just overpowered me Monday so I decided to do up a little set of cheat notes and bring them in and hope to get caught.

    Now I will not be returning to any schools at all, and may end up living on the streets or something if I am kicked out of the house. I have someone who is dating me but I feel that they shouldn't because of all of the wrong choices I have made, and, like I said before, no matter how hard I try to be good, I just end up being bad somehow. I want out of this life since there would be no more grief caused by me for my family or friends once I'm gone, they may be sad once I'm gone, but a few weeks later they will see how much better it is that I'm nnot around, since I won't be causing any trouble or making anyone worry. I have attempted suicide many times, and I sometimes wish that we had what was in that book "The Giver" by Lois Lowry, the ability to just go and release ourselves with this simple injection, I know I would have done it long ago because I can't take this anymore. They say everyone has a purpose in life: Well it seems that my purpose is to cause nothing but unhappiness to people and cause stress for people, since that's what I always seem to do to people, even if I don't mean to.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry things are so hard for you. I, for one minute. will not believe that your purpose in life is to cause unhappiness and stress for people. But I would believe that no mother, no matter what, should talk to their child using the words and thoughts that your mom did. Which makes me think that you deserve counselling and help from someone who is kind and can help. I am very sorry that your mom said those things to you. I am a very old person. And I see things as a grown up. Words that your mom used would harm any kid. Especially if you are a girl. My mom used mean words that caused damage to me. My brothers were not as harmed. Because, well, they are boys. So often its the same sex parent who has the most damaging effect if they say damaging things.

    I do not think you are bad. I do think you deserve help though.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you struggle so hard hun to do good but you have a learning disability that hinders you to do so. You are not bad hun you aren't ok You just need help and support and perhaps medication would help you to learn better to not be so impulsive YOu are good hun you are don't let anyone take that away from you hun I hope one day you can move out away from all those harmful words hun and learn that you are so special and you can with help be whoever you want to be. hugs
  4. LynnD

    LynnD Well-Known Member

    Thanks flowers and total eclipse. I am seeing a psychologist now, though she is not very good, and there are no other psychologists available accepting new patients at this time, I checked with my physician a while ago. I also seen a psychiatrist who had put me on Paxil last year, I was following the dosage but I found it had no effect. I told her this and she decided to wean me off of it, and we planned at the next appointment that I had with her to switch to a different medication that she thinks would be better (I don't recall the name). I was supposed to see her October 30th, 2013 and when I went into her office, we talked for a little bit. I just said how I was finding school stressful and she asked me if I followed her instructions with weaning off the pills and I said yes, I even showed the bottle to her, I brought it with me. She then said how she does not think that she can prescribe anything else since she is afraid I will become addicted, I did not get addicted to these pills, nor have I gotten addicted to anything I have been on in the past, I would follow the directions written on the bottles of any medications that I would be prescribed. I had also not gotten Paxil from any other doctor (according to something I read, some people go to various doctors looking for the same medication, although I do not do that). After me insisting that I was not misusing the drug and have not misused anything else and she should look through my medical file (she refused to look at my file history) I left, and have not come back to see her since. I am not on medication for anything "psychological" and if and when I see my psychologist next week, I will tell her what happened at the college.

    She also knows what happened between me and the psychiatrist; I told her, not the psychiatrist, and she thinks that is wrong since the psychiatrist could see that I was not misusing the Paxil since I brought the bottle in with me, and she had full access to my medical file, so if she had any suspicions over that she should have gone through that and called any physician listed that I had seen over the last few months, they would all say that I never went for anything like Paxil. Also, she disagrees with the psychiatrist saying that Paxil is addicting since I did not develop any addiction to it.

    The fact that I was mislead by a psychiatrist to think that I would be getting full help (the psychologist says the psychiatrist should have lived up to her end of the bargain and tried me on a different medication) makes me weary about seeing psychiatrists, since they may be like the one I seen. And after I left the psychiatrist's clinic, I did not get a call asking me to come back, we did not even officially say goodbye. She told me she would not prescribe me anything else since I may become addicted, and when I asked her to look through my medical file to see what my full history said and she refused, I said "Well I don't think there is a point in me staying if you are not going to try to help me." I said this since this is part of their job, to look at your file to see your past history!

    That may not have been the most appropriate way to handle the issue at the time, but I spoke with some people, including an older man I know who a long time ago was the minister of justice (and is a good friend of the family right now), and he said that if she cared at all and was good at her job at all she would do what I asked and call me in to discuss this issue.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think your psychiatrist is wrong.. I have been on all the meds and the only one I found that somewhat helps is Effexor at a high doseage..I'm a big guy thats why he prescribed so much for me..As far as home goes you should look for other rescouras..(spelling).. I have been on my own since I was 17.. The first couple of years were rough but things changed and I landed a job in management.. I was happy for ten years..Then I had my breakdown and ended up on SSI.. If it wasn't for them I would be dead..They make me feel as I contribute..Please don't give up there are always options..Take Care....
  6. LynnD

    LynnD Well-Known Member

    My psychiatrist had said that Effexor would have bad effects on me before she prescribed the Paxil. But since she refuses to do anything else and I am not on anything nor getting any help from her, that is something I can do nothing about now. Since no psychiatrists are taking any new patients, I am on my own. If I could, I would live on my own but due to personal circumstances that I cannot get into right now, I can't.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hiyas..sorry you are being treated so poorly by your family. But I think they just say those things out of anger, don't believe they actually want to cause you misery and pain.

    Also-is it possible you could change your psychiatrist? I do agree on one aspect of what your psych said-that many psychiatric medications are addictive. I am currently trying to wean myself off the very popular anti anxiety drug xanax. It is very hard. Maybe a road you don't want to go down-but whatever you choose to do, good luck. :)
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hummm, sorry the psychiatrist was so terrible about even wanting to hear you. Perhaps she would have done more harm than good. and you were fortunate to have her being disinterested in your real truth. But still it leaves you needing meds. Is it possible that your regular physician could give you pills? I sure do wish you had another psychiatrist available to you. Does your psychologist know of any other way you can get medication you need? I really am sorry this has happened to you.

    FYI, once I told my regular physician that I became addicted to klonapin ( that she prescribed) and I got off of it. What I meant by that was that it is an addictive substance. Anyone who takes it every day, as she prescribed, would be addicted. Its the nature of the drug. At no time did I abuse the substance. I didnt even take as much of it as she prescribed. Yet what stuck in her mind for years was that I had been addicted. Shes a great person. But this is what she assumed I meant. And by the time I realized what she had heard, it was already in her mind. I am not positive she to this day really understands that I would never abuse a drug or take it in a way that was not prescribed. But she is a kind good and respectful person. Far from what the psychiatrist you went to sounds like. She refused to even try to hear your truth. I AM sorry :hug:
  9. LynnD

    LynnD Well-Known Member

    Thank you CocaCola and flowers. There is no way to change psychiatrists, as I said before, no other psychiatrist is taking new patients so that is not possible. I had tried Xanax once and it worked fine the first time I took it, then the second time, I took the same dose and nothing else, it made me really "out of it" - I even lost consciousness in class! The instructor did not call the nurse or anything, when I regained consciousness class was finished so I just left and waited to be picked up by my mom so I could go home. The psychologist I am seeing does not know of any other way for me to get medications to help me, she, like my physician, both think that the psychiatrist should be the one to prescribe things to me, they both say they don't have any jurisdiction to decide what I should be prescribed, which doesn't make sense, since my physician should have some jurisdiction, she waas the one who put me on Xanax before I stopped seeing the psychiatrist, it was in early October when I was given Xanax, then, two days after the psychiatrist refused to do anything else for me, I took Xanax once again, the same dose I took before, and I lost consciousness; so it could be because I was no longer on the Paxil or it could be because of the Xanax, or it could be both. I never went to the doctor after losing consciousness, maybe I should have, but from my past experiences, hospitals are crap so I didn't see the point in even going; it wasn't even suggested that I do that.
  10. listless

    listless Banned Member

    LynnD, not sure how your laws work there, but in Canada if you're under 18 when you committed your crimes, usually they wipe your record. Or you can apply for a pardon which does the same thing (if you were over 18 when you did it). Also you can be upfront with potential employers. I know someone who got into trouble as a kid, had a record but the employer didn't care and still wanted to hire him because he had a good resume and cleaned up his act-so don't lose hope.

    Also I think you're living in a very destructive situation at home so you'd be best off living on your own if you could, which means getting a job. Things are usually not as bad as you think and there are always ways out of it. You shouldn't internalize the nasty things people say to you. It's easy to be mean and cruel to others and people can be hurtful to feel good about themselves. Don't take their shit, stand up for yourself because no one else will.

    As long as you know that your purpose isn't to cause grief to others, than it doesn't matter what others say-they're scummy people. You sound young so you have a long life ahead of you-but focus on becoming independent so you're own your own two feet. When I wasn't working and dependent on my family, people had nasty things to say about me, usually behind my back. Once I got a decent job and moved on my own, I regained my reputation and respect and didn't put up with anyone's crap.

    So don't let yourself be defined by others, become self-sufficient and seek out the happiness you desire in your life.
  11. LynnD

    LynnD Well-Known Member

    I'm 23 years old so I won't be able to whipe my record for ten years, according to the lawyer. I fucked up big time and know that if I am even able to get a minimum wage paying job I won't be able to afford a place, even though I don't eat much or spend money on many things, and what I spend it on now I would not be bothered anymore in order to save money. I have been doing research on homelessness so I know what to be doing for that, though things that I have found seem to be from years ago, nothing very recent on how to live homeless and getting a job in this current time to be found online.
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