i wish everything was diffrent...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by heartlessfaceless, Oct 11, 2008.

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  1. heartlessfaceless

    heartlessfaceless Active Member

    ive been a member on here for a few months now,an ive found comfert in reading other peoples posts,an left the odd one here an there myself.its nice to no that im not the only person in the world who has problems an who feels alone.
    I thought id done well to get this far,even for a few weeks i thought it was getting better,my sons father even started being nice to me unexpectedly.
    That kind of gave me some hope for a while,but the truth is that he wasnt really being nice,he has told me he just needed to have sex with someone an i was the only person he knew he could get it from.Im so devasted,his friend raped me last year an he knew how difficult it was for me to trust him,he was the only person i did trust,but now hes even worse that the man who raped me,he took advantage of my outsides,but the man i loved has taken advantage of my insides,and betrayal doesnt even compare to the feeling i have.
    an now for the past day or so hes been talking to me on the phone,telling me i should jump in front of a train with my son,cause its all we both deserve,or telling me to hang myself,basically to just do everyone a favour and get it over with cause im worthless and an irratation on everyones life.He said even my own mother doesnt like me.
    The worst part is-hes right.She doesnt love me,she doesnt even like me,she never has,i dont have anyone.Im living in a house thats causing damage to my 2 yr olds health and no one can help,hes getting sick cause of the house he lives in with me,an its my fault,if i hadnt of moved here he would be fine.
    He tells me im not a good mother,and ive convinced myself that he's right.I love my son so much,hes an amazing little boy,but im just not good enough for him he deserves so much more.
    It hurts when i breath,it hurts when i look at him,i wish so badly that everything was diffrent,that i was good enough to be his mum,that i was worth spending time with,i wish i could remember the last time anyone said "i love you" to me..or even just "how are you" ...ive been alone all of my life,theres got to be a reason for that.Im just not worth the effort or the time.if i was someone would be friends with me,someone would have loved me.
    So now im just tired,i dont even cry anymore,all im going to do if i carry on is ruin my sons life,ill be a burden to him like i am to everyone else.And that is one thing i cannot stand to do.I love him to much to destroy his chance at a good life.I could care less what anyone else thinks , but him..he needs a better chance,i couldnt stand it if when he grew up he hated me as much as everyone else does,so i need to go now,why i no he loves me.
  2. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    The way it sounds you do seem like a good mother, though... just because you live in a shitty house doesn't make you a bad mother. I bet you just don't have a choice. Some probably would say that you're the one who's put yourself in the financial situation you are in, but of course that's not true. Even if one has depression with no particular reason, it wouldn't be one's own fault. Depression is NOT a choice, regardless what some idiots say. The father of your son evidently is completely heartless, too... don't listen to him. He really sounds like a complete creep and definitely is one, as well.

    Don't let him break you down... your son needs you, not him... because, after all, it'd be he who would take custody over your son if you'd be gone.
  3. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    You're going through so much more than a lot of us here.. I don't know what to say but..

    Don't ever let HIM bring you down. It's all HIS opinions, (what he wants you to believe, not facts) so he can have his way with you and manipulate you to do what's in HIS best interests.

    I know nothing about you or him but he sounds like a cold-hearted bastard who has no remorse whatsoever. It's a mental disease.. I think he's no more than a psychopath.

    You may have made mistakes here and there, but every one of us has.
    We all let ourselves down sometimes but don't let HIM bring you down anymore.

    Success will be the best revenge.

    Well, there you go.. I don't mean to sound condescending but.. in my opinion, yes he's probably a sociopath who doesn't know any better and his assessment of your life doesn't contain an ounce of truth. Why? 'cause if he's a man who knew his friend abused his girl and did nothing about it, then he's just a worthless man and a sad human being.
  4. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    As hard as it may seem you really can't let him get to you. That's letting him win. You need to show you're stronger, that you can move on and up. And i know you can. Just focus on other things. Hobbies maybe? Read a book, write, sing. Keeping yourself busy will help take your mind off things i am sure :hug:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You need to file a restraining order against him so he can't come near the two of you. Also I don't know if this happens in your country but have the phone company monitor his calls, if they deem it abusive they will warn him once and after that if he persists they will turn his phone off!!Please think about your son! He will not be better off with out you!! Every male and female need there mothers when they are growing up. You should take that asswipe to court and get child support and also have to pay to get you better living accomidations. You are doing the best you can so don't put yourself down!! And cut off all communications with him. If you need to have contact with him , have a police officer there so things don't get out of hand. Do you have social services there? if you do then file for help, even if it is only to provide food. That will give you a little xtra income for other bills. You are not alone!! We are here for you and want to help so keep posting!!Take Care and I hope this gives you some Ideas!!!!~Joseph~
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