I wish I could kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nogo, Jul 27, 2008.

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  1. Nogo

    Nogo Member

    but I don't have a good way to do it.

    I guess I'll start with a summary of myself.

    I'm 20 year old male with no friends. I've never had a car for a sense of freedom. I live with my dad, step-mom, and younger step-brother, there's two older step-brothers that no longer live at home. I had seasonal job when I was 15, nothing since then. I've got no social skills and no personal relationships with anyone including my dad (my mother has never been in my life).

    I'm usually alone all day, sleeping, playing games, watching tv.. whatever passes the time. I stay in my room all day and my parents stay in theirs when they're home. I can't recall any real conversations I've had with my dad. I don't have a relationship with my step-mom, besides getting along we don't really converse. There's really no one I feel comfortable talking to.

    I had cancer a few years ago. My step-mom's sister, who is social and active, unlike my family, had beaten breast cancer a three or four years before I was diagnosed. She contacted me when she heard I had it and she's about the only person I could have any sort of comfort talking to.. but her life is pretty much perfect and I don't want to scare her. Her kids are all soon-to-be valedictorians and/or pro basketball players, and herself and her husband are both in well paying jobs. I've never brought my problems to her or anything, I'm just saying that if there was a scale of 1-10 of who I could talk to my dad would be a 0.1 and she'd be like a 3. She's like across the US though.

    My problem is that I'm scared to pretty much even leave my house (no it's not agoraphobia). I was friendly with about everyone of my classmates in high school, and I'm scared to see any of those acquaintances now. I don't want to have to answer the "hey what's up, how's life" question. Yes, I know I can just lie.. but my attitude is too shitty right now to make myself come across as happy. I'm scared to even take the garbage out to the curb every week. My neighbor across the street was an acquaintance in high school and friends with the clique I was with my senior year. I wait until it's light enough so I don't need a light, but dark enough so I couldn't be seen before I go outside. I duck under windows or hide if I see activity at their house during the day. I don't want anyone to know how big of a loser I am.

    I'm even more scared to go into town. Every time I've ever been there I see someone from high school. I'll check the alumni on myspace just to get an idea of who still lives here and it prevents me from going even more. I can never see myself getting a job here.

    I had a therapist like a year ago, I stopped going because my dad had to drive me and he was getting pissed since he'd have to spend 3 more hours once a week or two of doing something outside of work.

    There's probably a lot going on in this post, I can try to clarify anything if you would like me to.
  2. Nogo

    Nogo Member

  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    perhaps you could find another therapist, maybe someone who specializes in social anxiety? and set yourself a goal of getting your driver's license this year so that you have a little more freedom to get yourself to and from appointments.

    i'm sure your step-mom's sister would want to help out if she knew how much you are suffering. do you email with her? maybe you could start to open up a little bit at a time so as to not overwhelm her. she sounds like a caring individual.
  4. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    Suicide is never an easy way out. You do have social skills. You just used them when you wrote your message. It takes guts to tell people how you feel. Guts to risk being rejected or be accepted. Fear is a good thing. It keeps us from going over the edge.

    I walked in your shoes at your age. Tell you what helped me most, ask your father if he will send you to learn karate. You will develop confidence and teach you to manage your fears. Karate made me face people and I am no longer afraid of what people think about me. I do my own thing. Karate is a whole lot cheaper than therapy too. It is a skill you can be proud of.
  5. hare

    hare Active Member

    i think you're in dire need of confidence. you're not a loser. you just need to find a way to believe in yourself.
  6. Nogo

    Nogo Member

    I got my driver's license a year ago, the therapist helped me get it. My dad won't let me drive his car. It's new, he won't even let my step mom use it.
  7. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    I never was able to drive till I was 22. Offer to pay the car insurance premiums for your role in driving the car. Maybe you can work hard and get your own car? Driving makes parents nervous... and rightly so. I knew 2 kids who were twins and their parents let them drive on their 16th birthday. They partied and got drunk and slammed into the back of a semi on the freeway and both got their heads cut off.

    Those parents are grieving the loss of their only two children. Cars are serious business... in a split second you can die in one of them. When it is time you will drive eventually... if your living under your parents roof and your parents are paying the bills and feeding you... you got to follow their rules. If you really want to drive that bad... work hard and get one of your own. This is what I had to do.
  8. Nogo

    Nogo Member

    All three of my step brothers got cars when they were 16, the younger one is driving his mom's while she carpools and he's getting a new car next year for free. I didn't say I wanted to drive, I was stating why I couldn't go to the therapist anymore. No offense, but I really don't care what you had to go through to get a car when my three siblings get theirs handed to them. I wouldn't do anything with a car anyways, I've got no friends to hang out with and I'm scared shitless to spend time downtown to get a job.
  9. Dead Alive

    Dead Alive Active Member

    You know... you sound like you got a real attitude problem. You need to grow up kid. Maybe just maybe your parents learned a few lessons from the previous experiences and don't want to repeat the mistakes with you? Or maybe just maybe they realized that they spoiled you kids and you are living on the silver spoon?

    Cars are expensive and they carry responsibilities. Maybe just maybe your parents are right and you just have to suck up to them.
  10. Nogo

    Nogo Member

    Or maybe just maybe I don't like being called spoiled by someone that doesn't know me? I'm like a socially retarded Cinderella, I'm anything but spoiled besides having a dinner most days of the week.

    I appreciate it if you're trying to help, but trying to speculate my parents motives without knowing them and getting it all wrong isn't the reason I came here.
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