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I wish I could trust somebody

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Veclord, Jan 23, 2008.

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  1. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    Ever get the feeling like you're in a cold dark place, upset and angry, and no one cares but you?

    I feel as though that everyone in my life depends on me but I can't depend on them for anything at all. I constantly make myself out to be a strong supportive kind of guy. To tell the truth, I sort of like helping others in a big way. I feel that it gives me spiritual favor as well as a boost in confidence. To be, well, a leader I guess. But in truth I'm not that strong or indestructable. Of course I'm male so I don't want to come off as a wimp either and tell people the way I really feel or I think they would just take advantage. I'm just hurting for true companionship and I want so badly to have ties with people who really care.

    My parents ask for money on a constant basis. I don't have any problem helping out my family, it's just who I am. But I've given so much at one point that I didn't have enough to buy myself lunch! I'm 21 years old working full time (mostly 40+ hours a week). My family is just broke as hell and aren't able to support me through school. Almost every little damn thing I have I have to earn by myself.

    I come from a family of 8. Only one sister older than me and she got married to a sailor in a bar and left to another state. My Mom is deeply hurt by it despite 2 years or more having gone by. I have 4 other sisters and 2 brothers all of which are under 18. Sometimes my Dad gets overpowered and runs out of money...that's when I pitch in and buy several hundred dollars worth of groceries or maybe pay a utility bill or something. It's just so hard because I feel like none of the money I make is really mine or really goes toward me in my own favor. And it seems to me that there's extra pressure because of my sister. They're afraid I'll just up and abandon them in their most dire time of need. But what about my needs? I want my own place, a woman that loves me and kids of my own. I can't do that while I'm constantly giving my all for this family. But if I break away and just decide to do my own thing, it'll crush my Mom and rehash the hurt she's already gone through. So what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?

    I would say I'm a moderately attractive guy. As of late I've spent a lot of time in front of the mirror keeping my teeth whiter and my face nice and clear since it improves my confidence. On the other hand I'm completely clueless when it comes to approaching women. I kind of feel like Spider-Man in that every time I think about asking out a girl I'm interested in something else always comes up and the opportunity is lost. Suicide threatens my thoughts every few weeks or so. I don't know if I'm afraid or if it's because so many people in my life depend on me I could never abandon them that way. But it hurts! I'm so tired of dealing with the same issues everyday. I'm a simple man and all I want is a simple kind of life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2008
  2. zoebaby

    zoebaby Well-Known Member

    hi, you sound like a great guy. You helping your family is wonderful, one day all of your brothers and sisters wiil be on their own, and they wont need u anymore. and they will look up to you as their big brother who was there for them, that means a lot! , but for now it sounds like you are holding everything together, which, when u are the oldest, tends to happen. you keeping your family together is HONORABLE, and shows great CHARACTER, be proud of yourself ! When you have your own family, you will probably be the type of person who will make it work, and stick in there for the long haul. and i know your parents love u to death for being a great son, i would be very proud to have a son like you! this wont be forever, your brothers and sisters will grow up and they will have to be responsible for themselves. Dont let them use you, but never feel bad for being a good brother/son. On the other hand, with the girl issues, when your young, as you are, those things will just work themselves out, and sometimes when your not looking, they just happen......:smile:
  3. Nobody's a saint. Except for, well, saints but that's different... Heh, let me start over.

    What I mean to say is, you sound like an exceptionally good person. Putting others before yourself is a truly wonderful trait which doesn't appear nearly as often as it should in people. You're a very special individual and it would be an awful shame for the world to lose you. However, you're also a human. As much as I wish I could say otherwise, we humans can't live our lives entirely for other people and still survive ourselves. We all have to realize when the right times are to be selfish.

    Although it's admirable to want to help people as much as possible, you can't help others without first helping yourself. Can you really give reliable support if you're thinking about suicide? You have to find a way to stabilize yourself both for your own gain, and for the sake of the people you want to take care of. And besides, there's nothing wrong with letting yourself be happy and doing what you want to do with your life. It's not saintliness, but it's not pure selfishness either. It's entirely human.

    I think the time has come for you to start saying no. It's possible to offer support without offering your entire life, isn't it?

    As for the girl thing... To be honest, I'm the same way, haha. Actually, I think everyone is to some extent. But hey, we still manage to get together somehow-or-other, so it's possible. I think if you allowed yourself more "you" time, dating should also come easier.
  4. Veclord

    Veclord Active Member

    Despite how few replies this thread got (as opposed to how many views), those posts meant the world to me and I want to let both of you know that they helped my thinking feelings tremendously. Thank you.

    I only want to say that even though I don't feel I'm necessarily "wrong" for going so far out of the way to make sure my friends and family are alright, balance is definitely a keyword in this situation and it wasn't until I came here that I realized that. As much as I love seeing a smile or sigh of relief from my efforts of helping someone, there is a point where that enough is enough and they have to straighten out their own problems instead of pressing me so hard to the point that I'm sacrificing my own time and energy at an unhealthy pace.

    But I'll say this in my defense: When someone makes a huge sacrifice in my favor as compensation for the good I had done to them, it strikes me with feelings of euphoria. I can't even describe it. I never EVER forget it either...

    Thanks again!
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