Ever get the feeling like you're in a cold dark place, upset and angry, and no one cares but you? I feel as though that everyone in my life depends on me but I can't depend on them for anything at all. I constantly make myself out to be a strong supportive kind of guy. To tell the truth, I sort of like helping others in a big way. I feel that it gives me spiritual favor as well as a boost in confidence. To be, well, a leader I guess. But in truth I'm not that strong or indestructable. Of course I'm male so I don't want to come off as a wimp either and tell people the way I really feel or I think they would just take advantage. I'm just hurting for true companionship and I want so badly to have ties with people who really care. My parents ask for money on a constant basis. I don't have any problem helping out my family, it's just who I am. But I've given so much at one point that I didn't have enough to buy myself lunch! I'm 21 years old working full time (mostly 40+ hours a week). My family is just broke as hell and aren't able to support me through school. Almost every little damn thing I have I have to earn by myself. I come from a family of 8. Only one sister older than me and she got married to a sailor in a bar and left to another state. My Mom is deeply hurt by it despite 2 years or more having gone by. I have 4 other sisters and 2 brothers all of which are under 18. Sometimes my Dad gets overpowered and runs out of money...that's when I pitch in and buy several hundred dollars worth of groceries or maybe pay a utility bill or something. It's just so hard because I feel like none of the money I make is really mine or really goes toward me in my own favor. And it seems to me that there's extra pressure because of my sister. They're afraid I'll just up and abandon them in their most dire time of need. But what about my needs? I want my own place, a woman that loves me and kids of my own. I can't do that while I'm constantly giving my all for this family. But if I break away and just decide to do my own thing, it'll crush my Mom and rehash the hurt she's already gone through. So what the fuck am I supposed to do about it? I would say I'm a moderately attractive guy. As of late I've spent a lot of time in front of the mirror keeping my teeth whiter and my face nice and clear since it improves my confidence. On the other hand I'm completely clueless when it comes to approaching women. I kind of feel like Spider-Man in that every time I think about asking out a girl I'm interested in something else always comes up and the opportunity is lost. Suicide threatens my thoughts every few weeks or so. I don't know if I'm afraid or if it's because so many people in my life depend on me I could never abandon them that way. But it hurts! I'm so tired of dealing with the same issues everyday. I'm a simple man and all I want is a simple kind of life.