I wish I didn't exist.

Soo....basically.... I'm a 20 year old failure at life.

I can't even write out why without writing a book. Just trust me when I say that I failed already.

I suppose I'm here because I don't know what to do. I have a mental illness that I can't admit to, therefore I can't get help for it.

I used to think I was just introverted and that I didn't like people but as the days go by I'm thinkin its worse than that. Not all introverts want to die.

And I can't bring this up to anyone because I don't know how to talk about it, how to even talk about anything concerning myself, really.

I'll tell you how bad it is:

I used to self harm, I've been out of the hospital for 3 years now and I still havent spoken to my family about it AT ALL, I'm so scared they'll ask why I did those things, or if I think about doing it still. They've asked once or twice, but all I could do is muster up a lie for them.

I just want to die. But I don't want to kill myself. Just not to have ever existed, really. Is that so much to ask?

 

Welcome to SF,

Yes it is to much to ask for, because your here and asking for you life to wiped out like it never happened isnt fair to you.

Living a life that is unsatisfactory to you is unfair, please get the courage to reach out, youve made the start here, now all you need to do is pull someone you can confide in to the side and say:

Hey can I talk to you, Ive been having a hard time and these bad thought have been coming to mind telling me to, saying that...................

You did a great job posting here and Im glad that you are looking for ways to turn your thought process around. Maybe a trip to your family doc is a good idea, just to get the ball rolling, plus they have confidentially laws to follow by.