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I wish I had cancer

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#1
my godmother died of cancer three months ago. I still remember watching her final moments of life: she was physically destroyed by the disease, she look like a mummy, it was horrifying... Even though I wasn't too distraught by that(I've seen way worse stuff in my life), I vividly remember her physical aspect and how much she suffered...

three months have passed and my life is still the same piece of shit it has always been: no girlfriend, no good grades, my parents basically gave up on me, future's looking darker than ever, my motivation is virtually dead. On the upside, I made excellent friends at college and they the funniest dudes I've ever met. When I'm with them, I always feel happy and motivated to do something.

I fucking hate that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I develop as a person, my life hasn't improved a fucking bit. I wish I had cancer and died instead of my godmother. Fuck, she was an angel, the most pure person I've ever met, she LOVED to live, she was motivated as FUCK, she had a good life. Why didn't I get cancer instead of her? I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE! I believe that not even cancer would make me suffer as much as my life has made me. The thought that my life could end at any moment would be WAY FUCKING BETTER than living in constant failure and despair. Why is life so unfair? Why do the ones that don't want to live get to stay here and the ones with all the "joi de vivre" get to go?

and I know that people are going to call me selfish: "think of your family!", "their world will end!". I KNOW THAT, BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? CONTINUE TO SUFFER JUST BECAUSE OTHERS ARE HAPPY THAT I'M ALIVE!? I FUCKING HATE STUDYING, MY GRADES ARE HORRIBLE NO MATTER WHAT STUDY METHOD I EMPLOY, NO WOMAN LOVED ME OR WILL EVER LOVE ME, I HAVE NO MARKETABLE TALENT WHATSOEVER, I'M TERRIBLE AT ALL MY HOBBIES. FUCKING HELL! PLEASE, GOD, GIVE ME A FUCKING CANCER AND MAKE IT QUICK, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
 

may71

Well-Known Member
#2
Sorry to hear that you feel this way.

I might be able make some suggestions that would help make things better, but I don't want to offer that unless it's something that you want.

Right now it sounds like you are experiencing some intense emotions, and dealing with that may be what you need most right now.
 

Lashes

Active Member
#3
Hi rogerfeldman,

I'm sorry to hear that things feel so hopeless and impossible for you right now. Losing anyone is hard, more so when we feel we deserve to be in that position instead of them, but the sad fact is that life is a bitch. People are taken too harshly, good people, honest people, and I know I've often felt as though it's unfair, that it should have been me. But then ... the world isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people all the time and vice versa.

Also, and please don't think I'm trying to belittle what you have said or that I'm being contrary, there does sound like there has been some change, that not everything has stayed the same. You have really awesome friends by the sounds of things, and that's so important and essential for anyone to have a healthy sense of mind.

Not once did I read through your post and think you 'selfish.' I was reminded of me, of how overwhelming pain can be and how hard it can be to find even the smallest ray of hope. You are not selfish, you are hurting which is why you're here and posting in the first place. Can you talk to your friends? Your family? Your doctor? Carrying this heavy burden by yourself isn't fair, and you shouldn't be expected to continue to do so.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself and keep posting.
 
#4
Roger,

It is not at all selfish to feel that way. I know how it feels to get caught in the mindset that nothing will ever improve in your life. Let me know if you want to talk.
 
#5
Sorry to hear that you feel this way.

I might be able make some suggestions that would help make things better, but I don't want to offer that unless it's something that you want.

Right now it sounds like you are experiencing some intense emotions, and dealing with that may be what you need most right now.
Go ahead, I'll use whatever help I can get
 
#6
Hi rogerfeldman,

I'm sorry to hear that things feel so hopeless and impossible for you right now. Losing anyone is hard, more so when we feel we deserve to be in that position instead of them, but the sad fact is that life is a bitch. People are taken too harshly, good people, honest people, and I know I've often felt as though it's unfair, that it should have been me. But then ... the world isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people all the time and vice versa.

Also, and please don't think I'm trying to belittle what you have said or that I'm being contrary, there does sound like there has been some change, that not everything has stayed the same. You have really awesome friends by the sounds of things, and that's so important and essential for anyone to have a healthy sense of mind.

Not once did I read through your post and think you 'selfish.' I was reminded of me, of how overwhelming pain can be and how hard it can be to find even the smallest ray of hope. You are not selfish, you are hurting which is why you're here and posting in the first place. Can you talk to your friends? Your family? Your doctor? Carrying this heavy burden by yourself isn't fair, and you shouldn't be expected to continue to do so.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself and keep posting.
I'm currently in a psychologist, I started a week ago but I haven't exposed all my worries yet. This has been going on for a decade now, I fear that it will kill me eventually...
 
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