my godmother died of cancer three months ago. I still remember watching her final moments of life: she was physically destroyed by the disease, she look like a mummy, it was horrifying... Even though I wasn't too distraught by that(I've seen way worse stuff in my life), I vividly remember her physical aspect and how much she suffered...
three months have passed and my life is still the same piece of shit it has always been: no girlfriend, no good grades, my parents basically gave up on me, future's looking darker than ever, my motivation is virtually dead. On the upside, I made excellent friends at college and they the funniest dudes I've ever met. When I'm with them, I always feel happy and motivated to do something.
I fucking hate that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I develop as a person, my life hasn't improved a fucking bit. I wish I had cancer and died instead of my godmother. Fuck, she was an angel, the most pure person I've ever met, she LOVED to live, she was motivated as FUCK, she had a good life. Why didn't I get cancer instead of her? I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE! I believe that not even cancer would make me suffer as much as my life has made me. The thought that my life could end at any moment would be WAY FUCKING BETTER than living in constant failure and despair. Why is life so unfair? Why do the ones that don't want to live get to stay here and the ones with all the "joi de vivre" get to go?
and I know that people are going to call me selfish: "think of your family!", "their world will end!". I KNOW THAT, BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? CONTINUE TO SUFFER JUST BECAUSE OTHERS ARE HAPPY THAT I'M ALIVE!? I FUCKING HATE STUDYING, MY GRADES ARE HORRIBLE NO MATTER WHAT STUDY METHOD I EMPLOY, NO WOMAN LOVED ME OR WILL EVER LOVE ME, I HAVE NO MARKETABLE TALENT WHATSOEVER, I'M TERRIBLE AT ALL MY HOBBIES. FUCKING HELL! PLEASE, GOD, GIVE ME A FUCKING CANCER AND MAKE IT QUICK, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
three months have passed and my life is still the same piece of shit it has always been: no girlfriend, no good grades, my parents basically gave up on me, future's looking darker than ever, my motivation is virtually dead. On the upside, I made excellent friends at college and they the funniest dudes I've ever met. When I'm with them, I always feel happy and motivated to do something.
I fucking hate that, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I develop as a person, my life hasn't improved a fucking bit. I wish I had cancer and died instead of my godmother. Fuck, she was an angel, the most pure person I've ever met, she LOVED to live, she was motivated as FUCK, she had a good life. Why didn't I get cancer instead of her? I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE! I believe that not even cancer would make me suffer as much as my life has made me. The thought that my life could end at any moment would be WAY FUCKING BETTER than living in constant failure and despair. Why is life so unfair? Why do the ones that don't want to live get to stay here and the ones with all the "joi de vivre" get to go?
and I know that people are going to call me selfish: "think of your family!", "their world will end!". I KNOW THAT, BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? CONTINUE TO SUFFER JUST BECAUSE OTHERS ARE HAPPY THAT I'M ALIVE!? I FUCKING HATE STUDYING, MY GRADES ARE HORRIBLE NO MATTER WHAT STUDY METHOD I EMPLOY, NO WOMAN LOVED ME OR WILL EVER LOVE ME, I HAVE NO MARKETABLE TALENT WHATSOEVER, I'M TERRIBLE AT ALL MY HOBBIES. FUCKING HELL! PLEASE, GOD, GIVE ME A FUCKING CANCER AND MAKE IT QUICK, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!