As much as I tried to deny it at this point, I know I've reached that last plateau of my life where I literally have no reason to live anymore. I've said this to myself years ago, but 2016 was another year to remind me that no one likes me, no one wants me, no one wants to listen to me, and that no one acknowledges my existence as a "human being". I have no real talent, no staying power with others, no long lasting impression in a crowd, in fact I'm as invisible as the element of air itself. I once thought I had a talent for writing but I know my style is fucking horrible and forgettable in an instant, and far from unique or memorable in any way, shape, or form. Everything else I've tried my hand at, I was terrible at it. Learning how to play instruments, writing poetry, skateboarding, basketball, volleyball, swimming, you name it, I was most likely bad at it. I was even awful at committing suicide because my instinctive "will to live" kicked in at the last minute when I didn't want it to. When I was 14 I was almost murdered by someone who was batshit insane. When I was 22 I was almost murdered again - and I considered letting them kill me but what stopped me was that I was with someone else at the time and both of our lives were in danger, so I chose protect his life instead of indulging in my own desire to die. 2 weeks ago I was almost ran over by a car early in the morning backing up at full speed, and it barely missed me by a foot, and the driver didn't even seem to realize I was even there. A few months ago my doctor told me that I may have been developing cirrhosis (inflammation of the liver) and that it would be irreversibly fatal. I actually was happy that I may have had it, but much to my disappointment after getting an ultrasound it turned out my liver was normal. 3 weeks ago I considered ingesting a certain oil with a high toxicity that would kill a human in a matter of an hour and that might be my final wake-up answer to everything. Case in point, I'm tired of living a life of smoke and mirrors. I'm tired of being strung along. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of people assuming things about me that aren't true. I'm tired of being misunderstood 24/7 and being told that "something is wrong with you". All I ever wanted was to be accepted and loved for who I was, not hated for it. I wanted to give hugs where all I got were punches. Every time I read about how innocent people are being killed it pisses me off. I always ask myself, "why couldn't that have been me? I actually WANT to die," and yet all I ever see are people that are probably content and happy with their lives. Next thing you know, boom, they're dead, being shot, blown up by an explosion, executed, etc. Why can't that be me? Why can't someone as useless and forgettable as me be the victim for once? I'd gladly trade all of those 84 people's lives in Nice, France for my own if they all get to live to see another day, and just let me be the sole victim of being run over and killed. Nobody would miss me, I'm not important in any way, shape, or form. I take all my sadness and redirect it through my own original sense of humor and morbid black comedy, and even then it only helps but so much as it can't completely wipe away my bottled feelings. I really do my best to be genuine with others but its pointless when we like to play the blame game or the cut off game. My own defense mechanism keeps me from killing myself and killing my dual soul, but probably my deepest desire is just to be normal and accepted for who I am like mostly everyone else. Even God doesn't love me, and Satan hates me, despite me being the offspring of them both. The world doesn't want me - the universe rejects me totally. I'm nobody. I'm a disappointment. I'm a letdown. I got turned down today for an application to a hospital for being a file clerk. Only requirement was that you needed to know how to read English and that you had a high school diploma. I met both requirements easily. I still got rejected. Not very surprising. The first of many, many rejections. Nobody knows how difficult is and they all laugh at me. I try to open up to others and they laugh. I laugh. I make jokes, I stop taking things seriously. I still remember when I was a teenager all anyone ever told me was "you don't laugh or smile, people won't want to get to know you if keep doing that." Well, I've changed. I'm a modern day Pagliacci and guess what? I still get overlooked. When I go to bed, I hope I don't wake up. When I wake up, I feel like dying again. I'm sorry for wasting your time world, and I'm sorry that I was ever born. I never made anyone overall happy or gave anyone a reason to say, "Emerald, I'm glad that I met you" without it being a temporary compliment. I don't enjoy being miserable. I like to make people laugh. I love to make people smile. But what they don't understand is that my "human meter" is running on empty and I have no fuel left - I'm practically running on 1% of nothing for the past 20+ something years and its broke both of my spirits down to the point where I don't want to bother anymore doing anything. I'm a waste if there ever was one. If you hate me too, I'm sorry. Nothing else I can really do about it. If you think I'm strange, then I'm apologizing for that too. I know I'm not worthy of anyone's time or concern anymore. I back away from others because I don't want to burden them with my bullshit. I feel even worse when I detect people are getting tired of me so I just back off and disappear. I *never* mean to make others miserable, ever. That's all I have to say. I'm done.