I wish I had died instead of those 80+ people in Nice, France.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Emerald Hyperion, Jul 15, 2016.

  1. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not So Well-Known Member

    As much as I tried to deny it at this point, I know I've reached that last plateau of my life where I literally have no reason to live anymore. I've said this to myself years ago, but 2016 was another year to remind me that no one likes me, no one wants me, no one wants to listen to me, and that no one acknowledges my existence as a "human being". I have no real talent, no staying power with others, no long lasting impression in a crowd, in fact I'm as invisible as the element of air itself.

    I once thought I had a talent for writing but I know my style is fucking horrible and forgettable in an instant, and far from unique or memorable in any way, shape, or form. Everything else I've tried my hand at, I was terrible at it. Learning how to play instruments, writing poetry, skateboarding, basketball, volleyball, swimming, you name it, I was most likely bad at it. I was even awful at committing suicide because my instinctive "will to live" kicked in at the last minute when I didn't want it to.

    When I was 14 I was almost murdered by someone who was batshit insane. When I was 22 I was almost murdered again - and I considered letting them kill me but what stopped me was that I was with someone else at the time and both of our lives were in danger, so I chose protect his life instead of indulging in my own desire to die. 2 weeks ago I was almost ran over by a car early in the morning backing up at full speed, and it barely missed me by a foot, and the driver didn't even seem to realize I was even there.

    A few months ago my doctor told me that I may have been developing cirrhosis (inflammation of the liver) and that it would be irreversibly fatal. I actually was happy that I may have had it, but much to my disappointment after getting an ultrasound it turned out my liver was normal. 3 weeks ago I considered ingesting a certain oil with a high toxicity that would kill a human in a matter of an hour and that might be my final wake-up answer to everything.

    Case in point, I'm tired of living a life of smoke and mirrors. I'm tired of being strung along. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of people assuming things about me that aren't true. I'm tired of being misunderstood 24/7 and being told that "something is wrong with you". All I ever wanted was to be accepted and loved for who I was, not hated for it. I wanted to give hugs where all I got were punches.

    Every time I read about how innocent people are being killed it pisses me off. I always ask myself, "why couldn't that have been me? I actually WANT to die," and yet all I ever see are people that are probably content and happy with their lives. Next thing you know, boom, they're dead, being shot, blown up by an explosion, executed, etc. Why can't that be me? Why can't someone as useless and forgettable as me be the victim for once? I'd gladly trade all of those 84 people's lives in Nice, France for my own if they all get to live to see another day, and just let me be the sole victim of being run over and killed. Nobody would miss me, I'm not important in any way, shape, or form.

    I take all my sadness and redirect it through my own original sense of humor and morbid black comedy, and even then it only helps but so much as it can't completely wipe away my bottled feelings. I really do my best to be genuine with others but its pointless when we like to play the blame game or the cut off game. My own defense mechanism keeps me from killing myself and killing my dual soul, but probably my deepest desire is just to be normal and accepted for who I am like mostly everyone else. Even God doesn't love me, and Satan hates me, despite me being the offspring of them both. The world doesn't want me - the universe rejects me totally.

    I'm nobody. I'm a disappointment. I'm a letdown. I got turned down today for an application to a hospital for being a file clerk. Only requirement was that you needed to know how to read English and that you had a high school diploma. I met both requirements easily. I still got rejected. Not very surprising. The first of many, many rejections. Nobody knows how difficult is and they all laugh at me. I try to open up to others and they laugh. I laugh. I make jokes, I stop taking things seriously. I still remember when I was a teenager all anyone ever told me was "you don't laugh or smile, people won't want to get to know you if keep doing that." Well, I've changed. I'm a modern day Pagliacci and guess what? I still get overlooked.

    When I go to bed, I hope I don't wake up. When I wake up, I feel like dying again.

    I'm sorry for wasting your time world, and I'm sorry that I was ever born. I never made anyone overall happy or gave anyone a reason to say, "Emerald, I'm glad that I met you" without it being a temporary compliment. I don't enjoy being miserable. I like to make people laugh. I love to make people smile. But what they don't understand is that my "human meter" is running on empty and I have no fuel left - I'm practically running on 1% of nothing for the past 20+ something years and its broke both of my spirits down to the point where I don't want to bother anymore doing anything.

    I'm a waste if there ever was one. If you hate me too, I'm sorry. Nothing else I can really do about it. If you think I'm strange, then I'm apologizing for that too. I know I'm not worthy of anyone's time or concern anymore. I back away from others because I don't want to burden them with my bullshit. I feel even worse when I detect people are getting tired of me so I just back off and disappear. I *never* mean to make others miserable, ever.

    That's all I have to say. I'm done.
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You are actually not that much different to the vast majority of members here, myself included. No need whatsoever to apologise for that. The important thing is, you have found a place where others will respect you and wont laugh at you or judge you. They will only try to help and support you in whatever way they can.

    I certainly dont hate you or think you are wasting anyones time here. I am saying here and now, I am glad to have read something of your life and I would like to know more if you want to tell us about it. Theres nothing wrong at all with how you write and I am prepared to bet you write decent poetry as well. You are probably a perfectionist [join the club] and your own worst critic [join the other club].

    But hang around. Get to know some of us, read the forums, post comments, try to learn from the experiences of others. Even venture into chat if you feel like it, that can be a experience for sure.

    A little word of warning. Saying you want to die or commit suicide is ok here, but dont mention anything to do with methods, that is not allowed.

    But welcome to SF. I hope you stick around and become a part of this community, I doubt you will regret it.
    calvinandhobbs likes this.
  3. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not So Well-Known Member

    Hi SinisterKid, thanks for the reply and the welcome. I'm not actually a new member - I'm one of the oldest members on here, since late 2005 so I've spent many, many hours here reading about others and their experiences. I've been in the chat a few times in the past before. But even if I end up talking to anyone from here it all comes down to the same thing: I become alienated by them either very quickly or after a certain amount of time. I became very used to it happening, so I stopped pushing the envelope with it. I don't intrude. I don't mention suicide methods at all either, I know that rule too.

    Anyway - being a perfectionist can be frustrating, because everything I've done, no one's approved of, so it makes me think I've haven't done a good enough job. This is why I stopped bothering with different aspects of what requires actual talent, because all I'm going to hear is "this isn't good" or a quick compliment followed by an immediate rejection. Its kinda like spending hours creating a painting of a nature environment and then someone tells you "Its a beautiful painting BUT you made the trees too large or the sky is too blue or the birds are too small, this isn't worthy of getting recognition because of this." There's nothing more defeating than putting your effort into something just for someone to tell you they didn't approve of it.

    Time to join both clubs, hell I've think I was already a member of both as long as I could remember. Sad to say I'm a relic on SF, my posting days are long over so I just write in my diary, and I want to finish it before "that day" comes. I have three more volumes to go and its a long journey ahead of me, and that's the only reason why I'm still on SF and not dead (yet). I guess like everyone else, I gotta get my story out too.

    If I had the energy I'd type more out about my life on this topic but it would take me decades to do it here, LOL. Just know that in a crowd of millions, I'm the one person all the way in the back that nobody can see. Thanks for not hating me or judging me like everyone else has, though. I'm a old ghost foolishly wishing for a miracle that'll never happen.
  4. AlexiMarie7

    AlexiMarie7 Well-Known Member

    What have you tried writing, and what would you like to try writing? You write pretty vividle; I have not yet ventured into your diary-not sure if its public, if so I will have a look (share the link if you'd like) but maybe you should stick around to get your life story written, updated and shared with more than just us on SF.
    Have you looked into self-publishing, if you are interested in a novel perhaps? If you like writing, I believe you can do something with it. Letters in a paper, a column, an online blog with hopefully growing traffic, a screenplay? Not sure but you sound as if you enjoy writing so don't let that go.
    MisterBGone likes this.
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Emerald, I feel the same way some what walking through crowds not being noticed nor remembered through out my life. Too many get togethers and no one bothers to remember I am here. Kinda never had a close friend growing up. Facebook is kind of a painful reminder for me that I'm not being invited or being included in other peoples lives except the family. Heck even the Priest doesn't remember me when I was a kid, doesn't matter now that I'm not religious anymore. Somedays I'm the Cheshire cat here and there.
    MisterBGone likes this.
  6. Emerald Hyperion

    Emerald Hyperion Not So Well-Known Member

    When I was younger I've tried writing various short fiction stories (this was a time before the internet) and after that I tried writing actual manga series that didn't hold too well so I got into blogging in 2003, which I did all the way until 2011. It was fun at first but it nearly ended up being the death of me. I thought I made friends but they were all phony and ended up hating me and criticizing me without even really trying to understand that I was suffering from depression, you'd think after writing about it so much people would get the idea I couldn't be happy-go-lucky 24/7 like they expected me to. Anyway, here's the link: https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/the-diary-of-a-complete-idiot.43842/

    I thought about publishing it but its going to be a very long time before I can do it, and knowing my horrible luck that's if anyone wants to publish it to begin with. LOL, if my life could be turned into an actual movie... my god, imagine! I wouldn't even mind The Diary of a Complete Idiot: The Video Game even! Provided that if I ever finish all five (or six volumes) before I die, I would try to get it publish. Thanks for the idea, Alexi. I had considered it a few times before.

    I'm truly sorry about all of that, Drowned. Trust me, I can relate to what you've said. I was always the "last person in line" when it came to everything in life, even when people hurt me, I wasn't even worth a decent apology yet I had to bend over to take everyone else's crap. Not many understand what its like to be ignored or forgotten about, or barely even to be acknowledged as a person. I always remember people's birthdays but they never remember mine, or people don't even remember what my name is or who I am to begin with. Its like a "fool them and forget them" kind of deal I get. I don't which is worse - not being remembered at all or people pretending that they like you only to treat you like a ghost later on. It hurts like hell when it becomes so ridiculously commonplace.

    I used to have Facebook myself a few years ago and deleted it once I realized how superficial the interaction was. People only wrote on my wall to criticize me for simply trying to tell funny jokes or insult me, or just to ignore me. Once I deleted it I never looked back and I don't even think any of my "friends" (at that time) or relatives even noticed I was gone. I was never invited to anything either myself, and the one time I was, the person couldn't be arsed to even call me by phone, he claimed he left a post on Facebook to tell me, but when I checked, I saw no messages whatsoever. I had a close friend on SF but she passed away in 2010. Now these days if I ever end up talking to anyone I can't tell if they're being genuine or phony with me or just using me for a quick laugh. I hate grinning and bearing it but at my age, but I no longer have a choice in the matter, and when I'm honest with others it only comes back to hurt me later. Even my own family/relatives don't acknowledge my existence.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.