I wish I had the "courage" to attempt.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, Apr 22, 2010.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I'm just too much of a coward. All of my suffering has only been in words. Thus, nobody takes my depression seriously, they think its a joke. I just went to a doctor today for her to increase my dosage of my fluoxetine. She and my dad were just laughing and joking with each other while I'm sitting there, suffering and feeling like crying but I had to hold it in. That bitch laughed when I answered her questions like the fact that I stopped taking my current dosage of floxetine, laughing like why I would do that. Or also just laughing and saying that things will be alright, I'll get a job after graduating college, maybe pursue a masters and all will turn out fine. Hey, maybe try out some yoga. Their both Indian, they don't understand depression, its taboo in their damned, fucking backwards-ass culture. I wouldn't expect them to understand. Then my dad says she's a really good doctor and to follow whatever she tells me. Fuck you too.

    I wish I could attempt suicide so they could all know how seriously I am hurting inside, how much I am paining. They think my depression is "minor", they think that because I am young, about to graduate college, that I have my whole future going for me, why should I be depressed then huh?

    Its because you mother-fucking retards, I have completely and absolutely ruined my life with all my years of being sheltered in my home, on the computer and TV, doing nothing interesting at all while my peers where all getting ahead in life. They all have hobbies, dreams, aspirations, etc. I have none of those. I never went out, never went to clubs, joined clubs or organizations, did anything normal. So, then who would want to be friends with a boring, empty loser like me, who would want to be my girlfriend, my spouse, my children even?

    I'm not happy about graduating college unlike everybody damn else. I have no motivation, no drive, no spark, any desire to live and enjoy life. I don't feel like going out now and looking for a job. I wish I could be the loser I've been since a child and just stay home on the computer screen all day.

    These fuckers just don't understand my pain, I don't know if really anyone can. And they wonder why I'd had depression for 4.5 years. I have no support network. My dad claims to support me but I've realized now he doesn't know two shits about

    Sigh, I wish I had the courage to attempt. Maybe I will finally attempt if I finally move out of my parents house and I become more depressed when I'm truly living all alone and by myself. I wish anyone else in my damn circle of people I know and know me would have depression so they could understand my fucking pain. But none of them understand at all. :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2010
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: I'm sorry you're feeling so low and misunderstood. It's especially hard when the people we feel ought to know us are the ones who seem the farthest away in their understanding.

    I think you're judging yourself very harshly. College is a huge achievement. You're not a loser. I suspect you're maybe quiet or a bit reserved - but those qualities would make you a thinker and a listener (as opposed to a reveal-all-in-the-first-five-minutes talker :smile:)

    There are still loads of ways to meet people and make friends. Maybe you could join a community group or some clubs, learn a sport, take interest courses, or do some volunteering.

    I hope you push past this low spot. You have lots to offer and you will meet the right people to be friends with. Just be yourself and get involved in something, and it will happen. (And yes, I know it's easier said than done, but I know you can do it!)
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I have a large supply of pills to last me for a while. Right after coming back from that bitch doctor, I looked up to overdose on it and its effects. It can cause lots of sickness and coma and even death. I wish I had the courage to have gone through with it. :(

    I feel very livid and hurt that my own personal doctor and father can't understand jack-shit about my depression, and wonderful strangers on this wonderful website and also in a support group I occasionally attend really understand.

    I feel that if you never had depression, then you will NEVER know fully how much pain it causes, you cannot understand fully until you have had it. That's why they can't understand at all and you guys can. :)

    I really wish I had the courage to make an attempt. My parents now are absolutely sick and tired of me verbally talking of my depression and my thoughts of suicide but not doing anything about it. I'm just blowing annoying, hot air in their eyes.

    I guess now I need to take it to the "next level", take some action and stop making talk.

    My mom just told me to stop talking about it and attempt suicide if I want to do it so darn badly. I don't want to be stuck in this horrible limbo, in my disgusting pathetic life. Why can't I go through with it? :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 22, 2010
  4. PokerDonkey

    PokerDonkey Active Member

    Don't overdose :/

    It has a very slim chance of working and when you wake up, they will put you down because they will think it's a cry for help. Also your life will be worse with damaged organs.

    Yes it's true, if you never had depression then you can't understand. They will just think you're weak or pretending. Why I self medicate and don't tell anyone.

    Sorry to agree with them, but you should graduate college, get a job and see what happens. You will be forced out when you can afford it, then you can start making friends and get a girlfriend.
  5. Theseus

    Theseus Well-Known Member

    Can you not consult another therapist/doctor? If you feel your current one isn't taking your condition seriously?
    About your parents, I understand it can be hard for people from certain cultures to take the concept of mental disorders seriously. Which is all the more reason that you should have a doctor who does.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey you don't give anyone that power over you okay so your therapist is a biotch don't let her take your life like that. You need to find someone who cares and listens more to you. Can you find a different therapist sometimes thats all it takes is a switch in therapist to help I am glad you came here for support keep venting that pain and anger out here okay don't turn it inwards
  7. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Hey Rahul,

    I can relate to a lot of what you said about your childhood - being so sheltered and not doing things that normal kids did. I don't know about your parents, but my parents pushed me so hard in academics, that when I eventually was mature enough to realize that there was more to life than getting the highest score on a test, I felt too far behind socially to relate to people. And now, its like I'm just stuck.

    I don't know if that's at all the reason your parents sheltered you, but it reads to me that you feel really stuck too. Are you seeing a therapist at all? I don't know how much time you have left at college (are you graduating this spring?) but a lot of schools have a counseling department on campus where you *might* be able to get free therapy. I'm pretty sure you'll at least get a referral.

    *hugs* If you ever want to talk, you can send me a pm. I feel ilke we have a lot in common. I just graduated from college spring of '09, and I'm working on my masters now.. so we're in a similar phase of life.
  8. I felt exactly the way you did through out my teens (13 - 19) I had no friends, I was ugly, I never went out, ever.. I was always in the house in front of the PC. I would try and sleep as much as possible so I didn't have to face the day.. I just wanted to leave but as you said, never had the courage. Just remember if you're not happy with your current situation, no friends, no life. It's only you that can change that, before doing anything drastic try and 'change', get some courage in socialising, get yourself a friend, go out dating, go out to bars.. try and be a little more social, your life always seems a million times better when you're around friends, better yet, have friends.. just give it go and the best of luck to you.
  9. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    you could look out for local groups or meetings for people in your situation.thats what im in the middle of doing.it is easy to feel alone if you are alone ive realised with help that i need to put myself out there if im going to get anywhere.:wink:
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