Cutting is the only way I know how to deal with anything. I keep telling myself that I'll stop, and there are large stretches of time in which I do stop, but something always triggers me to start again. Recently, this boy whom I am basically infatuated with was on the phone with me. He knows more about my cutting than anyone else in the world, and he's extremely against it but he doesn't go out of his way to tell me to stop because I guess he feels its one of those things that I need to realize on my own. Anyway, we're on the phone and he brings up his best friend Jessica, who also possesses the same habit. And he went on and on about how he could never marry Jessica because cutting is such a destructive habit that he wouldn't ever want to be a part of. He went on and on, like, "Can you imagine coming home and finding your wife under the covers, cutting herself? I mean, what's she going to tell the kids when they ask 'Why does Mommy have scars on her wrists?' And how would that make me look as her husband? I don't want to be part of something that self-destructive." And, on the other end, I'm breaking apart, little by little. I mean, why would he tell me that? He knows how over the moon I am about him, he knows the extent of my self-hatred and cutting and he just went on and on. Not only that, but he brought up so many good points. I mean... I've been so fucking selfish about this, haven't I? What would I tell my kids and my husband and oh god oh godd The funny thing is, all of this just really makes me want to cut. And I'm sick of feeling disgusting and weak like this. I'm sick of this. And I just really want someone to care.