I wish I knew how to stop

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Chicckoo, Nov 6, 2007.

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  1. Chicckoo

    Chicckoo New Member

    Cutting is the only way I know how to deal with anything. I keep telling myself that I'll stop, and there are large stretches of time in which I do stop, but something always triggers me to start again.

    Recently, this boy whom I am basically infatuated with was on the phone with me. He knows more about my cutting than anyone else in the world, and he's extremely against it but he doesn't go out of his way to tell me to stop because I guess he feels its one of those things that I need to realize on my own.

    Anyway, we're on the phone and he brings up his best friend Jessica, who also possesses the same habit. And he went on and on about how he could never marry Jessica because cutting is such a destructive habit that he wouldn't ever want to be a part of. He went on and on, like, "Can you imagine coming home and finding your wife under the covers, cutting herself? I mean, what's she going to tell the kids when they ask 'Why does Mommy have scars on her wrists?' And how would that make me look as her husband? I don't want to be part of something that self-destructive."

    And, on the other end, I'm breaking apart, little by little. I mean, why would he tell me that? He knows how over the moon I am about him, he knows the extent of my self-hatred and cutting and he just went on and on.

    Not only that, but he brought up so many good points. I mean... I've been so fucking selfish about this, haven't I? What would I tell my kids and my husband and oh god oh godd

    The funny thing is, all of this just really makes me want to cut. And I'm sick of feeling disgusting and weak like this. I'm sick of this. And I just really want someone to care.
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear Chicckoo,I'm so deeply sorry to hear about your cutting I really care and althought it may sound like some stranger on a computer who doesn't even know you I really do care.I could understand that it won't be easy to stop if you would like to talk about anything I'm free anytime and as I said from the bottom of my heart I do care sweety.
  3. Sashi0

    Sashi0 Well-Known Member

    Oh gosh I know how you feel. :hug: My boyfriend kind of did something like that with me, I didn't understand why he would purposely make me feel even MORE guilt about my problems. I ended up feeling more self destructive, guilty, selfish and stupid. Hating myself even more made me sink into so many negative thoughts - Is he trying to tell me he thinks low of me? Does he hate me? Does he enjoy hurting my feelings? Why would he do this? Does he want me to just get rid of myself? After some time, I calmed down and finally got the guts to bring it up, my feelings towards what he did.

    I am usually very stubborn and don't bring things up calmly, but this time I was deeply hurt and near endangering myself over someone that never particularly made me feel so horribly. So, I brought it up to him, asked him what the hell he was thinking and why he didn't care about the sensitivity of the matter. He knows me better than anyone, so why would he hit me below the belt basically you know?

    He ended up explaining to me, that he just didn't know what to say or do anymore. He wanted me to stop, not due to embarrassment, not due to future reprocussions like family or children, but because he didn't want to lose me. He thought that possibly saying things like that to me might make me think, Oh my god, I have to change, IVE SEEN THE LIGHT! :MAD:

    Yeah, well he explained that he didn't think it all through and just went with it, spoke without thinking and just tried a new way to make me see that he wants me to stop because he cared about me. He was deeply hurt and actually felt horrible for several days about the matter.

    I dont know you're guy and I don't know you, but I will let you know that sometimes things happen in a positive light. Maybe he didn't think of his actions in advance like my guy did. I could be wrong, but please don't drown yourself in negative thoughts like I did. I sure did waste a lot of days being even more down than usual over someone I cared about.

    I know it's hard, but try talking about what he said to him. Make him see how it affected be because frankly, it shows him you cared about his opinion- and that comes with responsibility on his part if he is truly a friend. :hug:

    I don't really think I helped any, but please cheer up. :smile:
  4. Chicckoo

    Chicckoo New Member

    Thank you for your kind words.

    I did bring it up with Alex, but he said a few words about it and moved on. He doesn't care, and I don't think I do either.

    I just feel so dark and awful right now. Why am I like this? I want to stop but I can't and I think I'm going to cut again fuck.
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