i seriously want to just die. the only thing that is keeping me here is the belief that suicide is a sin. i am scared shitless that i will go to hell. i guess i am probably just being stupid to believe in something like that, but that stupid thing is the only reason i am here. isn't that pathetic? it is almost certain that there is no heaven or hell. i don't even care about my family anymore. i don't care how they would feel if i just killed myself. i am so pathetic. i know my family probably cares about me, but I just don't even care. my life is going to amount to nothing. i will never have a girlfriend, a wife, or kids. i will never have a good job. i will never have any friends. i will end up being 60 years old, living alone, working at a minimum wage job. the feeling of being unloved is overwhelming. i just can't do this anymore. when i go to sleep i pray that i won't wake up. i can't kill myself but if there is really a god out there, i wish he would just take mercy on me and end my useless life. when i am out driving, i always hope that someone will swerve into my car and kill me. i want to die but i can't even do it myself. if i knew that we started another life when we died, or it was just like going to sleep forever, i would kill myself right now. i have already screwed this life up beyond repair. i would give anything in the world to start over again with the knowledge i have now. i wonder if it is considered suicide to do something that doesn't directly kill you, but ultimately ends up with you dying.