This will more than likely be a drag to read and I apologize if you decide to but it would mean the world to me since, well, it's my life all out here...if anything, you could even just skip to the last section. Growing up, I lived in a poor family and full of alcoholics and drug addicts. so it's safe to say that I've always been on the depressed side. However, I'm now an adult and just not interested in living anymore. Sure, I've cut and toyed with pills but never really anticipated a true death. Now I'm really scared and wonder if anyone can offer words of wisdom or have experienced what I'm going through. I just feel utterly alone in my circumstances because, really, they are idiotic. I won't get into my childhood and just stick to my current life as an adult... My first college It goes that when I hit 18, I had to go to college. My dad said I go or I'm out on the streets. He didn't even have the funds to pay for the $50 application at the time but, hey, logic never suited the man. I had relatives 4 hours away who took me in so I could attend a university. You'd think I had it good but it was hell. That was when I started the cutting. They treated me like crap, my cousins treated me like crap, I was pretty much a maid and all they did was talk about how bad my parents were and how trashy we all were. I even paid for my own groceries and cab fees to get home because they didn't want to wait 10 minutes for me to be done with a class. At this time, I also chose a major: Early Childhood Education. Why? Because I was always the babysitter of my family so it felt necessary. But really...I hated it. And I was a terrible person to work with the kids. The only real thing I enjoyed was a Japanese class I took. Anyway, I ended up moving out from my relative's place and into the dorms after my first two college years. My third year was spent taking some ECE classes and other classes to figure out just what the heck I wanted to do. I decided I wanted to transfer to a different school that offered a Japanese major. Now, my family was dead set against this because I wouldn't get a job with it and transferring was a waste and I've already been in college for so long..etc. I then had my friends all saying I had to follow my heart and choose what I wanted so that's what I did. I was accepted during my fourth college year and ended up taking classes that would transfer over toward my new Japanese major. The big problem happened when an old friend of mine moved into the dorm I was at. This was a friend way back from my high school days. She was very overweight and terrible with people. I mention that because she got into fights with the dorm people and they starting to tease her and maker her upset. I then also received some of this treatment because I was her friend. We dealt with it as best as we could and the RA was of no help because he was best buddy with all of the people. We decided to move into another dorm and as we moved our things and no dorm mates were around because of a basketball game....my friend snapped. She took some water and poured it into a laptop on the table, ruining it. Then made a whole mess of the area. I came out and was like HOLY $&^!!! A mate came back and the campus police came. I didn't know what to do! I was called in first to give my side and being stupid, I said we BOTH committed the act. I had no idea about the consequences of saying that..I just couldn't see my friend go through everything alone. I won't get into all the details but my friend was super depressed, I was depressed, and she decided to flee. she dropped out of college and left me alone. This was a VERY big issue in my life. The people from that dorm harassed me and I was scared to leave. I locked myself up and never attended classes and lost both of my jobs. I was also under stress from the police because they kept saying court would maybe happen and if my friend didn't show up, it would be an automatic felony charge. I didn't even know what a felony was. And my friend never got into contact with me at all after leaving. I was so alone. I couldn't believe I got myself into the mess to help my friend and all she did was leave me and not care. My second college In the end, no charges were pressed and I went home for the summer. My family was really angry at my decision and some things happened and my dad decided to disown me. The reason is because my grandma wanted to buy some stuff for my place and my dad wanted me to have nothing. He said if I went shopping then I was disowned..and that's what happened. I mentioned before he had no logic. I could write a frickin book and that guy. So I went to my new university in the city. It was fine at first but then I realized something: Japanese was really hard! And somehow, I didn't like it. I was confused and thought this was what I always wanted. But I understood then it wasn't the language, but the atmosphere. Because at my other university, I made my friends and had a good time in that class. I fooled myself pretty good. I struggled with the language and eventually dropped it and felt like I just F'd up everything. Here I was with a new major I didn't like, again, and a very tough one. Then that old friend came back into my life again. She suddenly had a change and wanted to try college again. I found out her grandpa died from cancer and she went through a lot. Since no charges had been pressed and I was already depressed, I said fine and she came to get a room at the place I was staying. Another big mistake. She said she would do the Japanese major with me but would have to wait until the next year. I thought I could do the major with her there since I hadn't made any friends at my new university. I continued to take courses for the major, just not the language since I dropped the first one I couldn't take any more for the year anyway; they are a sequence. My second year came around and my friend wasn't accepted to the university because her grades stunk. I still took classes but again, not the language. I decided, VERY stupidly, stupid, stupid, stupid, that if it was sooooo hard, I would finish all other classes and take the language last. It would be a total of 9 classes and at worst, I'd pay out of pocket. Well, I found out from the university that hey! I have a whole hella lot of hours under my belt and they won't give me anymore federal aid unless I put in an appeal. WOW! The university had told me BEFORE I transferred that I had plenty of time but then they changed the script. I wanted to do the appeal and be like hey you sobs said I had time and you KNEW I was transferring in..but no, my new adviser said I was SOL because I didn't have good enough "circumstances" and I didn't take my language classes so wtf was I doing. I was pissed. My circumstances were that I changed my major and transferred. They obviously didn't care. I was scared and couldn't tell anyone. How could I tell my family that I messed up everything when I put everything on line to get here? I never said anything and kept lying. Thankfully, no one ever asked me to speak in Japanese. My third college (yeah, the last one) I bet your sick of reading and think I'm a big idiot. I am. I won't deny it. And I made another stupid move. My high school friend applied to community college and was accepted so I also applied and went there. The community college said I had enough hours for one year, and then I would have to appeal for another and get some of my hours that didn't count to my current major taken off record. The major I decided on was Business Office Applications, basically secretary/administrative assistant. I chose it because I had previous secretary work from a business incubator and some classes I took already counted to the degree. The big problem here is I can't type. My high school never taught it. (I'm 25). So, that added on an additional 4! classes to take. So, I started this out and enjoyed it. I met a lot of great, down to earth people and felt like I finally fit in. I thought wow...I should have gone to community college to begin with! Now starts where my life took the worst turn...... That friend of mine, we were sharing one room in the place with rent split. Yeah. One. Room. We were very poor and had to save as much as we could. We never had trouble getting along until community college because I had to take MORNING classes. The university offered so many classes that I could take them in the afternoon. but not community college. I have to get up at 6AM, get on the bus, and get there by 8AM. The reason why this was such an issue is because that friend, she dropped the one community college and picked some online thing and took online only classes. I don't know how to describe it...maybe some of you know of people like this, but she became a net addict. she denied it completely but I truly believe she did. She never wanted to go out and stayed on the computer all day. I kid not. Never did anything and she gained way more weight and started to get much more unhealthy and health problems. We got into big arguments because I said I needed sleep at night but she wanted to stay on the net until 4AM in the room; we paid for net. I could NOT sleep with the light on, her typing and some IMs making noise all night. Even with headphones, it was so loud because she'd bast it and typing was so loud. Well, we went through hat but then the net wad cut off. She stopped paying it for months. I had given her money and she was taking it and spending it on fast food/candy. I was highly pissed and the net was cut off while she was away for two weeks and as I was taking a quiz! She came back and didn't even care there was no net or it was cut off when I was doing college work. She wanted to get a new net company and I refused. Our place had a net connection in one room and I said if we needed the net, we go in there. So, I used net at my college and she became glued to that one room with net. She was never in our shared room. She then started staying on the net until 5AM. But then she got all pissed and blamed me saying that the room we shared was no longer 'ours' because I forced her out. She came there to sleep, hell she'd sleep until 1PM and I couldn't do anything in the room and had to leave. It was a terrible living situation. Current What currently now happened is she moved out. She said F everything and didn't care, and left me stuck with a lease and a lot of rent. This is what is happening right now. I've had to sell off everything, deal with the credit person at the rental office, borrow money, etc to make it. She said she didn't even care if I were homeless. I have pretty much paid off everything but I have no money to eat or anything. I just have an empty room and my cell phone only because I'm on a shared plan for $5 per month. It doesn't really matter anyway because I am just not interested in eating or anything. I have even lost close to 20 pounds already from not eating and walking around aimlessly just to get out of the room. Even if I eat I feel like I wanna throw it all up and I usually do. I was scared one day because I didn't drink water because I just didn't want to, sat outside for hours in the hot sun and got very sick. I just wasn't thinking about how bad the sun can be. I felt scared only because I thought to myself, well, that's what I get for being so stupid. Also, the college is now pulling an attitude with me about this appeal. It's like deja vu. Before they said the appeal was no big deal but now, all of a sudden, I just don't have good enough circumstances. It doesn't matter that 98% of everything I've taken at every college has been an A or that I transfer, or anything. I just have a lot of hours, stupid choices, and no one wants anything to do with me. Why I just want to give up I can't afford to live on my own anymore and want to finish the college but need to save a couple thousand for my last year. I thought I would go home but it's not so easy. I have a lot of student loan debt. About 27k. A payment is due every month and all I have to my name is $400 and I still owe for people I borrowed from to pay my room mates part of the rent she left me with. I want to do an IBR payment (they let you pay a little amount from how much your income is instead of a full monthly payment; my monthly payment otherwise would be $300) but my families probably all make too much and I wanted to live with my mom, but she's on shelter care plan and more than likely, they won't let me live with her. She's trying to see but even she said herself, well, if I'm not approved I'm not so I'll live somewhere else. It's kinda like she doesn't care too much either way. I can't blame her since I'd never want to mess up her program or her SSI. Also, living with anyone else it would be VERY hard to get a job. Near impossible. There is no public transportation and they live around nothing. Only my mom does and there's a bus. I do have a driver's license but no car since I could never afford one. And I REALLY suck at driving. Oh, and I still haven't even told my family I'm going to a community college. I've still never been able to admit my utter failure. So, everyone, I feel like I pretty much got nothing to go on and I just feel like I don't know what I could ever do and there's no point in anything. No college wants my butt, jobs don't even like hiring me anymore and that's even IF there's anyone hiring, and I can't afford to live on my own. Did I also mention the rent has nearly gone up in double?! I can't even concentrate on my classes or anything since you know, it's pretty hard when you're thinking well I'm going to be homeless or just not around anymore. so, who cares? I really don't know what to do. With my friend leaving me with a ton of rent to pay, all this college for nothing, debt...what can I even hope for? Oh, and I also have one credit card at $2.8K debt. Yay. It's like as soon as I leave and even lived with anyone, they'll all find out I'm stupid and worthless. and then I won't be able to make my loan payment and then I'll default and then the gov't will not be happy. It's really, like, what is there to do...has anyone gone through this? I feel like I'm the only really stupid person here.