I wish I were a dictionary...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by inkdrop, Aug 9, 2013.

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  1. inkdrop

    inkdrop New Member

    I don't have the words to describe what I feel, all I know is that it's horrible and it's too much for me.

    My parents see me as a burden, or at least it how they make it seem, always complaining and stating how much they "do for me" when in reality there's so many things that they should have done and should be doing. When ever something happens it turns into a play the victim game with them, so regardless of what happens with me they become the bigger victim... I got in a car crash and my dad started to blame himself... yet would make no effort to help in fixing my car when there's so many things that are wrong and is an accident waiting to happen. They yell about me going out and not wanting me to drive but are unwilling to drop me. It just seems like a never-win situation with them. Our house is chock full of crap; my mom seems to be a legit horder :/ and my dad just doesn't seem to care. They're always complaining about the state of the house when it's their fault it's the way it is.

    When I come home for vacation I have no space to put my stuff but I get yelled at for having my room 'messy'. When I get depressed my mother becomes adamant about God and prayer, both of which I no longer believe in. She's very much against me taking my meds which is strange because she works in the medical industry. I hate that she just doesn't f**king listen ever. No matter what I say they never hear me n then when I say "I just said that" or "I told you so" I get the meanest look ever or get yelled at for being rude.

    I have several acquaintances and I thought I had a couple friends... turns out I have no friends, I'm just used as the support system for their problems. Apparently my problems are an 'ankle weight'. Which is why I hardly get close to anyone anyways; so I don't have to be a burden.

    My brother... one of them doesn't even talk to me for reasons unknown to me, the other is recently married, has a very demanding job and is trying to do his PhD.

    So I'm pretty much alone. A.L.O.N.E with no one to have my back or to give me a hug when I feel down which just gets the cycle spinning.

    I've wanted to die for so long that when I wake up, before my eyes even open I start crying when I realize I'm alive, my first thought every day is I wish I were dead. No one gives a sh!t about me so it really wouldn't matter if and when I died. I've tried time and time again to say to myself that I have responsibilities at school and I need to live to do them, but even the other members of my executive don't seem to care about what they have to do, so why should I care anymore?

    No one cares about me, I no longer want to take up space or oxygen on this planet, I no longer want to see anyone or speak to anyone I just wish I could disappear forever.
  2. gubby

    gubby Active Member

    I'm sorry you have to go through all of that. Do you ever talk to your parents about your depression and how you've been feeling? Some people really need to open their eyes and face their own problems instead of just complaining about them. I used to do that a lot until I finally got up and organized myself (at least tried to). Even with a buttload of shit going on in your life, there are people who care about you and want you to stay alive. I hope you find the help you need and build the strength to carry on.
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    sorry you have to go through so much. parents can be a nightmare- mine are like that, plus they don't care about other people's problems... just their own

    hang in their
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